Many couples believe that a good relationship means there is no conflict. This is one of the biggest myths, conflict is normal and healthy. It doesn’t mean you get free license to do and say what ever you like, there are some ‘rules’.Â
One of the books I often recommend in my work with couples is Fight Right by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman. Their work focuses on the impact of conflict and challenges the notion that healthy relationships should always feel smooth.
The key message is simple. Healthy couples fight; it is awkward, it is uncomfortable. It is part of being close to another person. Being able to share your inner world, have your feelings validated and come out the other side ok.Â
What matters is whether conflict erodes trust or builds understanding and connection.
The myth of no conflict
Some relationships look calm because difficult conversations are avoided, no one shares what’s on their mind, no one asks for their needs to be met, they just try to keep the peace and not rock the boat.
This does not create safety or closeness. Over time, it often creates distance. When people stop naming what matters to them, resentment builds up.
Conflict does not mean anything goes. Saying whatever you want without regard for impact causes harm. When the four horsemen pop up, criticism, defensive contempt and stonewalling the conversation can take a bad turn. Differences are unavoidable in close relationships. The issue is how people talk about them.
Perpetual issues are part of relationships
Gottman’s research shows that around 70 percent of what couples argue about will remain ongoing. These are called perpetual issues.
They usually reflect differences in personality, upbringing, values, needs, or preferences. They do not disappear with better communication or more effort. The work is learning how to live with these differences without damaging the relationship.
Many couples get stuck trying to eliminate conflict instead of learning how to stay connected while it is present.
Understanding conflict styles
This book offers a helpful way to think about conflict styles. The Gottmans describe three broad patterns.
Conflict avoidant people tend to prioritise calm and emotional steadiness. When tension shows up, they often downplay it, change the subject, or agree quickly to keep the peace. This can work when both people feel genuinely comfortable letting things go. Problems arise when avoidance turns into suppression. Unspoken needs build over time and often lead to emotional distance or delayed blow-ups.
In the therapy room, conflict avoidant couples often describe drifting apart. There is little open conflict. Nothing dramatic happens. The relationship slowly loses depth and connection.
Validators engage with conflict in a calm and respectful way. They listen carefully, acknowledge the other person’s experience, and work to understand why something matters. This style is linked with stronger repair and lower escalation. People feel heard even when an issue remains unresolved.
Validators are less common than many people assume. This style also has risks. Conversations can become overly focused on problem-solving, while warmth, humour, and affection fade into the background.
Volatile couples argue openly and with intensity. Conversations may be fast, loud, and emotionally charged. From the outside, this can look chaotic or unsafe. Intensity alone is not the problem. In healthy volatile relationships, positive interactions outweigh the negative ones. There is affection, humour, and repair alongside disagreement.
Difficulties arise when volatility slips into contempt, criticism, or personal attacks. Emotional safety is the line that matters.
Conflict often becomes harder when partners have different styles. An avoidant partner paired with a volatile one may feel overwhelmed. The volatile partner may feel shut out or dismissed. Both are reacting to the pattern rather than to each other.
Patterns that cause the most harm
Gottman’s work highlights four behaviours that strongly predict relationship breakdown. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
These patterns tend to feed each other. Feeling criticised often leads to defensiveness. Defensiveness can lead to withdrawal. Withdrawal can fuel contempt. Once the cycle starts, conflict escalates quickly.
Early in my work with couples, I spend time helping them recognise these patterns. Understanding what is happening between them reduces blame and opens the door to change.
How conversations begin matters
The book places strong emphasis on how conflict starts. Harsh start-ups almost always derail conversations. Criticism, blame, or arriving with a long list of past grievances overwhelms both people.
Kitchen-sinking creates confusion rather than clarity. When everything becomes the issue, nothing can be repaired.
Slowing down, naming one concern, and speaking with respect increases the chance of staying connected, even when the topic is difficult.
Accepting influence and practising empathy
A key theme in this book is accepting influence. Healthy relationships require openness to being impacted by a partner’s perspective. That means recognising that their view might make sense, even when you disagree.
When changing your mind feels unsafe or tied to weakness, conflict becomes rigid and repetitive.
Empathy and validation sit at the centre of this work. Agreement is not required. Understanding is. Recognising why something hurt your partner, based on their experience and history, supports repair and trust.
This often requires setting aside defensiveness long enough to acknowledge impact rather than intention.
Is FIght RIght worth reading?
This is not a quick solution. It asks people to tolerate differences and practise new ways of relating. Reading alone does not change patterns. Action does.
The book is accessible and practical. It is useful for people in relationships and for those who want to understand their own conflict patterns more clearly. These patterns often show up in friendships, families, and workplaces.
For therapists, it offers clear language and examples that translate well into clinical work.
Healthy couples fight. The difference is what those fights do to trust and connection.