As a female practitioner, I realised there was a gap in my understanding when it came to working with my male clients. I knew that the patriarchy and the system negatively impact men and boys, shaming them from expressing emotions, encouraging a stiff upper lip and certain traits that are seen as ‘soft’ impacting them too [ the list goes on and on] and I was keen to understand it more and how it impacts men in therapy.
Focusing on men’s mental health is crucial because Australian data shows that men are disproportionately affected by mental health struggles, with suicide rates for men being three times higher than for women. In 2022, 75% of all suicides in Australia were men, highlighting the urgent need for better support, awareness, and intervention. Addressing men’s mental health can help reduce stigma, encourage early intervention, and ultimately save lives.
While I’ve worked with many men, I hadn’t fully grasped the nuances of their experiences, especially around shame, vulnerability and the pressure to conform to societal expectations. It was clear I needed to learn more, so I did what I usually do when I feel out of my depth or am simply curious about something. I dove into books, podcasts, and real conversations with men. I learned a lot and I wanted to share what I was learning, so I decided to do a mini-series around men’s mental health. As part of that, I interviewed six men for This Complex Life.
Each guest brought a unique perspective that challenged my understanding of men’s mental health. One of the first guests, Amal, shared a powerful analogy about emotions. He said, “If you take light and put it through a prism, it scatters and creates a rainbow. All the colours of the rainbow combined make light. The same way as human beings, we’re made up of a range of different feelings and emotions that make us human.” This struck me because it captured the complexity of emotions that we often overlook in men, especially young men.
We talked about the societal expectations that prevent men from expressing vulnerability, and Amal reflected on how “there’s this image of masculinity that stops young boys and men from opening up because they fear being made fun of.” I see this in my work with boys and men, it can hold them back and impact their ability to recognise how they’re feeling. This can have a detrimental impact on mental health and relationships.
I kept hearing this fear of vulnerability. Fear of being seen as weak. Which was shocking to hear. Especially when so many of the experiences were just being human. And being human can be painful and sad or overwhelming. And yet some men feel they couldn’t feel those things, and somehow, they were weak. Weak to be human? I couldn’t quite grasp it.
In my conversation with Michael, we dove deep into a topic he’s very passionate about, which is shame. We spoke about how shame holds men back from reaching out for support. He said, “Men love a good solution… but we don’t consider asking them to sit with their emotions as long as they can sit in an ice bath.” That imagery stuck with me [after I recovered from the chilly thought of sitting in an ice bath, I’d rather sit in my uncomfortable emotions any day than be that cold, but hey each to their own.]
Michael shared how we often focus on quick fixes for men, expecting them to toughen up and move on. Michael shared that “shame can stop men in their tracks. It tells them they’re weak if they ask for help,” which reinforced how hard it is for men to reach out and stay in therapy.
This theme of shame and pressure to “suck it up” came up again in my chat with Simon, who openly shared his experience with depression and anxiety. He described how anger often becomes the default way for men to express their emotional pain. He said, “Anger is the culturally accepted way that guys know how to deal with this stuff, whether it’s family, domestic violence, or workplace issues.” Simon also highlighted the barriers men face in therapy, pointing out how men often don’t return after their first session because “therapy doesn’t align with their expectations of what support should look like.” It’s hard when you expect a quick fix or want to take the emotions away and therapy can take time, and patience and get you to sit for longer in the very emotions you’re trying to avoid. His story reminded me that therapy spaces need to feel safe for men and therapists need to understand these cultural nuances.
Another powerful conversation was with Shannon, who spoke about his trauma and how it affected him. His book You Made Me This Way was so powerful I highly recommend it. His courage in sharing his experience with sexual abuse was deeply moving. He shared, “I swore I’d never talk about it, but then I met someone who helped me unravel decades of trauma I had buried. I realised I wasn’t alone in feeling like I couldn’t tell anyone.” Shannon’s story highlighted a common theme I heard across the interviews: men carrying heavy emotional burdens in silence, often for decades. He said, “There’s a real injustice in how men feel they can’t speak up, especially when society tells them they need to be strong and stoic all the time.” I wonder how many men I worked with or work with who have experienced this. Who carry such deep painful burdens alone.
Tim, also known as Dr. Happy, shared a deeply personal insight about his struggles with depression and the pressure to live up to his “happy” persona. He said, “I’ve been very unhappy for much of my life… I’ve had quite significant episodes of major depressive disorder, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and self-harm.” His honesty about his journey, while being a public figure in mental health, highlighted how even those who appear to have it all together on the outside can face immense inner battles. Tim added, “The more we let [these emotions] out, the more we can actually feel there’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
In my interview with John, a couples therapist, John took on a different perspective, focusing on how men can open up when given the right environment. He challenged the idea that men can’t talk about their feelings. “Men are very capable of engaging in conversation about what’s going on in their world, what’s going on around them, and inside them,” he said. “I think sometimes we don’t have the environments that encourage that type of conversation.” John also pointed out that men often feel isolated and lonely, but he emphasised how important it is to “show yourself,” especially the vulnerable bits, to build real connections.
Listening to these men share their stories changed the way I approach therapy with male clients. I used to think I understood the pressures they were under, but it’s different when you hear it straight from the source. Amal, Michael, Simon, John, Tim and Shannon all shared something in common: the burden of silence, the fear of vulnerability, and the deep-rooted shame that holds men back from connecting with their emotions. But they also showed me how crucial it is to create spaces where men feel safe to open up. As Shannon put it, “You’re not broken, you’re not defective. This is a reaction to what’s happened to you. It’s not your fault.”
Recording these episodes has been a game-changer for me. It has deepened my empathy for the men I work with and highlighted how important it is to support men in exploring their emotional lives without judgment. I learned that men’s mental health is not just about fixing problems [ oh the irony ] it’s about giving them permission to feel, express, and connect.
If there’s one thing I hope listeners take away from this series, it’s that we need to create more spaces for men to share their stories. As Amal said, “We always had a team, a tribe, a clan. As long as they know you’re on their team, they’ll find their solutions, but they need to know you’re there.”
Listen to them all here