[00:00:00] Marie Vakakis: The thing about red flags is it’s not just about someone lying or cheating on you. There are some subtle things, sometimes not so subtle things that you can keep an eye out for that might be red flags in a relationship. I’m going to walk you through 10 subtle but not so subtle things that you might not know are red flags, the kinds of things that show up in everyday relationships.

 

[00:00:28] Marie Vakakis: And sometimes they’re the things that people miss. Some red flags are easy to spot. Others feel like a gut instinct that you are not quite sure what to do with. In this podcast, I’m going to go through some of the small comments, the subtle shifts, the patterns that leave you feeling confused, uneasy, or not quite yourself.

 

[00:00:48] Marie Vakakis: You don’t need to overanalyze every awkward moment, but you also don’t need to ignore the stuff that keeps happening and doesn’t feel right. Welcome to this complex life where we unpack the messiness of relationship red flags. [00:01:00] We’ve all seen the red flag memes. We’ve probably sent them to our friends or posted them on our social thinking, is this my partner?

 

[00:01:07] Marie Vakakis: Is this me? Oh my goodness, what do I do? And sometimes they’re very harsh. It’s like if someone does something wrong, you should block them. If someone does this, you should cut them out of your life. But they’re not always that black and white, and they’re not always that easy to notice. And I think we’ve misunderstood what red flags are.

 

[00:01:24] Marie Vakakis: Not every red flag means that you should leave. Some are serious and need to be taken seriously, especially when there’s harm, control, coercion, or abuse. I. But others can be misunderstandings, communication issues, or past hurts that haven’t quite been resolved. These moments can actually be a chance to build connection, to reflect and to have sometimes difficult or awkward, but also productive conversations that can actually bring you closer together and build trust.

 

[00:01:55] Marie Vakakis: And if you missed last week’s episode on trust, you might wanna check that out. I discussed some of the. [00:02:00] Areas of trust and the elements that sometimes we get wrong in relationships. Another thing is everybody brings their own stuff into relationships. Every single one of us, I do, my partner brings it into mine.

 

[00:02:14] Marie Vakakis: All the individuals that I’ve seen therapy bring it into theirs, their relationships. We all bring our stuff, our way of seeing the world, our hopes, dreams, aspirations, what we think is normal, what we think is abnormal, and a way of being and, and doing life. And that’s different. Any two brains are going to have differences.

 

[00:02:33] Marie Vakakis: Even if you were dating your identical twin or your clone, you’re going to have differences. The goal isn’t to find someone who never gets it wrong or who you agree with on everything. It’s about getting to know the difference between what’s workable and something that is slowly eroding your wellbeing.

 

[00:02:50] Marie Vakakis: It’s not about one-off moments, it’s about patterns. Over time, if something keeps happening, that leaves you feeling confused. Or small [00:03:00] or leaves you second guessing yourself, that matters. You don’t have to put up with it and you don’t have to fix it either. Red flags can be used as a bit of a symbol or a sign to check in with yourself.

 

[00:03:14] Marie Vakakis: Do I feel safe? Can we talk about this? Can it change? The answers to those questions matter more than some posts from social media and they’re worth paying attention to. Here are 10 of the red flags that I think are important to recognise in a relationship. Do they have a disrespectful attitude? How do they speak to you?

 

[00:03:37] Marie Vakakis: In front of others, are they making jokes at your expense? Are they undermining you to get a laugh? Are they using sarcasm that leaves you feeling small? The second one is no accountability, and this is an important one. I spoke about it when I talked about trust in a previous episode. This is how they talk about other [00:04:00] people.

 

[00:04:00] Marie Vakakis: So think about how they speak about their ex. If they’re saying things like, oh, she’s crazy. Blaming her or him for everything. Avoiding taking any responsibility for past conflict, that might be a red flag of their ability to take any ownership, have any sort of reflection, and take accountability for the role that they played.

 

[00:04:22] Marie Vakakis: The third one is boundary pushing. How did they respond? I. When you or someone else says no. Remember, with boundaries, you can say no and someone be disappointed. Being disappointed is okay, but are they acting petulant? Are they getting passive aggressive or soy or trying to manipulate you through their behavior?

 

[00:04:45] Marie Vakakis: Are they respecting of you having a boundary or do they push through and not respect your need for time or for space? I. Are they pushing your limits and then calling you sensitive or saying you’re overreacting? [00:05:00] The fourth one is around unsafe disclosures. And I’ve talked about the importance of privacy and confidentiality in relationships and gossiping not being a good connector, that we might feel connected, but it’s a false sense of intimacy.

 

[00:05:16] Marie Vakakis: And when we’re gossiping about someone else or sharing private information, it leaves that person wondering what are they saying about me? So a red flag here would be. How much they share about other people, about their other relationships and friendships. Are they sharing intimate details that’s not theirs to share?

 

[00:05:33] Marie Vakakis: Breaking others’ trust to bond with you because these things create a false sense of closeness. And I don’t know about you, but it would leave me feeling like. I’m being used that somehow they might be telling things about me to somebody else and it would make me really hesitant to share anything or disclose anything because I would always be watching my back thinking they’ve shared these intimate, private details about someone else with me.

 

[00:05:58] Marie Vakakis: I. What are they sharing with [00:06:00] them? Or if we have a fight, what are they gonna be saying about me? So what they say and share about other people can be something that is worth exploring a little bit more and seeing how comfortable would you feel if they’re sharing those same details about something intimate or private with other people immaturity in family dynamics.

 

[00:06:19] Marie Vakakis: And there’s some old sayings about, you know, look at how a man treats his mother, and it might be the indication of the man he’s gonna be. I don’t know about that. I don’t know where that came from, but there is some value in looking at how somebody does treat their family. Are they speaking about their family or speaking to their family with constant blame, anger, or hatred?

 

[00:06:42] Marie Vakakis: Are they showing little to no signs of healthy regulation, healthy separation? And an ability to have some self-reflection. These things can often indicate poor self-regulation, poor differentiation, and might be a sign of [00:07:00] a lack of emotional maturity. The sixth one I wanna talk about is emotional manipulation, other using threats of harming themselves or harming others to get their way.

 

[00:07:10] Marie Vakakis: Now this. Probably fits in more of a coercive control kind of thing. Are they saying things like, I’ll hurt myself if you leave me? You’re the only reason I have for being here. Creating fear as a way to control you. That’s not love, that’s coercion. And they might need some proper mental health support.

 

[00:07:30] Marie Vakakis: And if you’ve got any fears of safety, please contact safety helplines in your area. Number seven is lack of emotional safety. How do they respond when you are upset? Do they dismiss your feelings? Do they make it about them? Are they getting defensive instead of listening? I. The eighth is an Unreflective past.

 

[00:07:55] Marie Vakakis: I find this one a really interesting one about reflection, and it’s come up in a few [00:08:00] of the different red flags that I’ve identified. But do they have the capacity to look at the role that they played in previous conflicts, in relationship ruptures, in issues at work, or are they saying everything bad always happens to me, or no matter how hard I try and never get it right, or that person always lets me down?

 

[00:08:19] Marie Vakakis: Have no ability to recognise the role that they play in those interactions. Are they laughing and bragging about things like cheating on a partner or cheating on an exam, or doing something sneaky or dodgy? Because sometimes without reflection and taking accountability and trying to do things differently, there’s a chance that those same patterns might repeat themselves.

 

[00:08:43] Marie Vakakis: The ninth one is poor frustration tolerance. How do they act when things don’t go their way? Do they give you the silent treatment act soy, passive aggressive? Are they punishing you emotionally instead of working through conflict? [00:09:00] Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around them? And the last one I wanna talk about is conditional kindness.

 

[00:09:08] Marie Vakakis: How do they treat people that they don’t need to impress? Are they rude to waiters, cleaners, or other customer service people? Are they warm and charming to people in power or who can give them something but cold or withdrawn to others? I really look at how people treat those around them. If I’m on a date with someone, I’m looking at how they’re speaking to the waiter, how they’re greeting the person who is taking our reservation information and checking that we’ve got a table.

 

[00:09:38] Marie Vakakis: I’m looking for all those signs that they are a nice, caring, kind, compassionate person with the people around them. Watch how they act. When nobody’s watching, it’s different to being shy and different to changing how you treat people, depending on what they can provide you. Red flags aren’t about being dramatic.[00:10:00] 

 

[00:10:00] Marie Vakakis: They’re about paying attention to the patterns that might leave you feeling small. Unsafe or like you’re constantly questioning yourself. You don’t need to wait for something extreme to take your discomfort seriously, and you don’t need to run at the first sign of something being hard. The real work is figuring out which one is which.

 

[00:10:21] Marie Vakakis: If any of this felt familiar, it might be worth thinking. What’s showing up for me right now? What am I tolerating that maybe doesn’t sit right? In the next podcast episode, I’m going to talk a little bit more about the red flags that you are not quite sure if they’re actually red flags or just discomfort because not everything that feels hard is actually unsafe.

 

[00:10:42] Marie Vakakis: And if there are any red flags that I didn’t include or you want me to talk a little bit more about, reach out to me. I’d love to hear from you. You can send me a DM on Instagram, on LinkedIn, or you can fill out the contact form below. Join me next week where I talk a little bit more about those red [00:11:00] flags that you’re not quite sure if they’re just red flags or discomfort.

 

[00:11:03] Marie Vakakis: Thank you for listening and I hope you enjoyed this episode.

 

[00:11:10] Marie Vakakis: Thank you for listening to keep the Conversation going. Head on over to Instagram or LinkedIn and follow me if you’d like to keep updated with episodes and other interesting things happening in mental health. Join my Weekly this Complex Life newsletter. Where I’ll share tools, tips, and insights. There’s a link in the show notes, got a question you want answered, ship me an email or a dm.

 

[00:11:30] Marie Vakakis: I’d love to hear from you and if you enjoy the show, I’d really appreciate it if you could leave a rating and a review. It helps other people find the podcast.