Money is one of the most thought-about topics in relationships. It’s also one of the least talked about. Most couples have had the same argument over and over again for years without ever having the real conversation underneath it. They might label each other: you’re stingy, you’re frivolous, you’re bad with money, you’re too generous. Then they either have a huge fight or they avoid the conversation entirely.

 

Right now, finances are at the top of so many conversations and the tension is real. I see it in my therapy room time and time again. Today I want to answer a question I hear a lot, usually something like: my partner and I keep fighting about money. What do we do? Let’s get into it.

 

[1:00]

Most couples I know are feeling it at the moment, and it’s not just couples. It’s everyone. Things that used to be automatic decisions, getting a takeaway coffee, going out for lunch, ordering dinner, now come with a bit of extra mental calculation. Can I? Should I? What if? There’s a lot of thought that goes into some of those decisions now.

 

How people talk about money can affect so many parts of a relationship, and it tends to get extra heated when things are actually financially tough. That’s not always the case. Sometimes couples who fight about money would still fight about it if you added a couple of zeros to their paycheck. It doesn’t matter how much money they have. But when people are under genuine financial pressure, when the economy shifts, work conditions change, cost of living increases, or someone has an illness and money is stretched thin, those conversations carry a lot more weight. That’s what I’m seeing at the moment.

 

I like talking about money with couples. It feels like one of those taboo topics, like sex. We just don’t talk about it. Both of those things, by the way, are fantastic to talk about in couples therapy. I cover them both in my Relationship Reset course because how we talk about difficult topics makes a really big difference to relationship satisfaction.

 

[2:30]

A recent report by Relationships Australia found that nearly 80% of Australians reported relationship pressure in the last six months, with cost of living named as the top driver for the first time. Nearly half of people interviewed said financial pressure had worsened their anxiety or depression. That shows up directly in the relationship. Job insecurity is its own layer too. If you’re struggling with employment, underemployment or a recent redundancy, that’s going to have a significant financial impact on you and your family.

 

About 58% of Australian couples say finances are a major source of conflict. That’s over half. If it’s not you and your partner, it’s someone you know. What I want to talk about today is how we have those conversations, how we understand what money means to us, why we fight about it, and why it’s so much more than just pulling out a spreadsheet and sticking to a budget.

 

[3:30]

Why is it so hard? One part is practical: sometimes there isn’t enough money. You might not have the budget you need for the day-to-day. Add in a child, someone reducing their hours, any number of things, and that financial pressure increases. That’s one piece: the actual dollars and cents.

 

The other piece, which is the focus of today, is the stories we have about money. The beliefs we carry, the assumptions that were there long before we met our partner, formed in childhood. I’m a therapist, not a financial advisor. The side of this that interests me is the emotions behind money: the feelings, how we think about it, how we communicate our thoughts and beliefs with our partner, how we stay curious about their perspective without criticising or judging, and how to have these conversations without getting defensive or shutting down.

 

When I see couples fight about money, they’re almost never fighting about actual money. They’re fighting about what it means to them. Safety, power, independence, fairness, love, control. Each person brings a money story into a relationship, and that story is shaped by how they grew up, what they witnessed, what they didn’t witness. Whether they’re doing what their parents did, or trying to do the exact opposite. What was modelled, what was hidden, what was assumed. All of those things shape how we see money and how we see ourselves in relation to it.

 

Nobody grows up in a neutral money environment. The tricky thing is you and your partner will have had different environments, different exposures, different philosophies about what money means and how it ties to identity, work ethic or self-worth. Most couples I work with have no idea what their partner’s money story actually is. Sometimes we think that if we love someone, or get along well, we must share the same beliefs. But these stories are deeply personal. Sometimes people aren’t even aware of their own money story until we start talking about it explicitly.

 

Your money story was being shaped long before you could do long division. Before you even did maths, you already had ideas about money. Whether you received pocket money, whether birthdays came with cash in a card, whether you saw your parents pay for things in cash or on credit, whether money was talked about or never mentioned. All of those things shape your relationship with money.

 

[6:30]

I want to share a story where money seemed like the problem, but it really wasn’t. A couple I worked with: one of them came home really excited one day with a brand new barbecue. He’d done all the research, found a good deal, came home with it. His wife was devastated. It caught him completely off guard. Instead of being excited with him, she was angry. He couldn’t understand why.

 

For him, he’d been saving for quite a while, not buying lunch out, not buying coffee out, putting away a bit each week. To buy this barbecue. He had a vision of setting it up in the backyard and having the family around it. Grilling burgers, cooking sausages, just being together. That barbecue wasn’t just a purchase. It was an investment in a version of their weekends he really wanted. He was picturing relaxed Sunday lunches, inviting people over, a kind of warmth and connection.

 

For her, it was a completely different story. She was standing in the supermarket stressing about whether to buy sourdough bread or the cheaper loaf. Feeling guilty about getting a chai on the way to drop off the kids. She thought they had to be really careful. And then he came home with an $800 barbecue. For her, it felt selfish and inconsiderate. He hadn’t consulted her. For him, he felt he’d earned it, he was doing it for the family, and he wasn’t stopping her from buying anything she wanted.

 

What we needed to talk about was where those stories came from. The belief that he deserved a treat. The assumptions about who was managing the household budget. Why there hadn’t been more transparency about what was actually in their finances. Through that conversation and a few more, they were able to find a way to have more transparency and set aside a discretionary amount each of them could build up for bigger purchases. If that conversation hadn’t happened, it would have been so easy for him to tell his mates she was micromanaging him, and for her friends to validate that he was inconsiderate. You can find so much evidence to make your partner the bad guy if you’re looking for it.

 

That fight wasn’t about the barbecue. It was about what had been happening in the household, about wanting to feel included and have some influence over the finances, about his need for autonomy and her need for transparency. Once they understood what it was really about for each of them, they were able to problem solve it together.

 

[10:30]

Research shows that money arguments are the top predictor of relationship breakdown. Not how much money you have, not how much debt you’re in. It’s how you talk about it. A study of over five and a half thousand couples found that the pattern of the conversation predicted the outcome, not the financial situation. Money conversations lasted longer and were more intense than any other kind of argument.

 

There is also something here about money and power. Who gets to have a say, who makes the decisions, who has to follow along. The person who earns more does not automatically get to own the financial decisions in a family, especially once children are involved. When earning capacity is disrupted through job loss or reduced hours, that disruption is often about identity, not just income. Earning money is tied to who someone is. When that is threatened, the conversation becomes about self-worth, not dollars.

 

[13:00]

Most of us were taught that it’s rude to talk about money. Particularly for women, the messaging from a very young age was around saving and cutting back, while the marketing and programs aimed at men were about investing and growing wealth. Those different starting points show up in relationships without either person fully realising it. It’s not just about money. It can be about identity, confidence, influence, being understood. All of those things can surface when we talk about something this personal.

 

[15:00]

Couples who never talk about money tend to discover the misalignment much later. By then there’s usually resentment, sometimes secrecy, and a power imbalance that’s been building for years. These conversations don’t have to happen on a first date. But they do need to happen as the relationship grows. Who pays when you go out. How you divide rent if one earns more. What happens if someone studies while the other works. What happens on holidays. What fair and equitable looks like for you as a couple, which isn’t always 50/50.

 

Avoiding the conversation feels safe in the short term. Over time, the other person starts to think you’re not interested, not invested. Even the simple suggestion of doing a budget can land as you’re spending too much if you haven’t done the work underneath first. The word budget alone is sometimes enough to activate a real defensiveness in someone.

 

I use a bucket system myself rather than a traditional budget. I’ve read a lot about money, followed podcasts, done workshops. Slowly built my literacy and my comfort around those conversations. It’s not about having it all worked out. It’s about getting less awkward with the conversation over time.

 

I’m not suggesting that after listening to this you sit your partner down and say: Marie said we need to do a budget. I did not say that. What I’m suggesting is that you work through some of the questions underneath that first. Lead with what you learned, not what they need to do differently. If you’ve messed it up before, own that. Last time we had this conversation I really put my foot in it. Can we have another go?

 

[18:30]

Some questions worth asking: What does money mean to you, not how much you want but what it represents? What are you most afraid of financially? What did you learn about money growing up? What does financial security actually feel like for you: is it a number, a feeling, a plan? If we had enough, what would we do differently? These questions open things up rather than shut them down.

 

Tone matters too. Why do you put everything on credit card is going to get a defensive response. I’ve noticed you pay for a lot of things on credit, can you tell me about your thinking behind that, will get you somewhere very different. Maybe they’re collecting points. Maybe they have a system. Maybe they’ve never thought about it and they’re carrying credit card debt they’ve never felt comfortable to name. You won’t know unless you ask in a way that makes it safe to answer.

 

[21:30]

What actually changes things? Not the budget. Not the spreadsheet. It’s doing the work of these conversations. Having the awkward ones. Reflecting on your own assumptions and beliefs. The goal isn’t to sacrifice what you want or hand over control. It’s to find something you can both agree to and collaborate on. That can only happen when you actually understand what it’s about for each of you.

 

Before you can create the budget, each person needs to feel understood. Not just heard. Actually understood. That’s not just saying yeah, I get it. It’s reflecting back what you heard. What I’m understanding is that you’re scared of not having a safety net because of what happened when you were a kid. Is that what you’re telling me? When someone hears that, everything shifts.

 

Curiosity before problem solving, every single time.

 

[24:00]

Shared financial goals build something a budget doesn’t. When you know what you’re working toward together, money becomes a conversation about your life rather than a fight about numbers. It creates a kind of closeness that managing things separately never quite does.

 

If you’re struggling to have this conversation with your partner, share this episode with them. Start with one of those prompt questions. Give it some context. There’s a whole module on money conversations in my Relationship Reset course and the link is in the show notes.

 

Money is not just about finances. It’s always about something deeper. Thanks for listening. If this one resonated, share it with someone who might need it. I’ll see you next Tuesday.