[00:00:00]  I keep hearing couples say the same thing when they sit down in therapy. We probably should have done this earlier, not, not just because something huge happened, although sometimes it does and that’s why people book an urgent appointment, but because there were little things that they just keep brushing past.

Things that built up over time that were swept under the rug, things that felt uncomfortable or awkward, or not bad enough yet. And so in today’s episode, I want to talk about that. I want to talk about the things that I wish couples talked about before coming to therapy and in ideal world. My job wouldn’t need to exist.

I would love it if it didn’t need to exist, and people had the skills, the tools, the support to have these conversations on their own. So I’m going to share with you some of the topics that come up time and time again in my therapy room and how you can maybe try and have those conversations in a different way with your partner so you can improve your relationship

I have been deep in this topic lately as I write the curriculum [00:01:00] for my relationship refresh workshop that is running live and then available on demand. By the time, this is by the time this episode. It will have already run. So if you’ve missed that and you wanna get involved,

check out the link in the description. It’ll be available on demand. One of the things that I wish people spoke about is their personal goals, and sometimes we have these amazing New Year’s resolutions. And sometimes it’s just goals. And so for example, going back to study, this is a goal that I actually see a lot of people have, whether it’s for the first time or advanced education or even something that’s a hobby.

They might go back and study art and design, or even doing pottery classes. They might have a desire to go back to school. And that’s a really great goal. I mean, I’m a lifelong learner. I love studying and this will probably be me going back to study because I just can’t help myself.

And often people make these decisions unilaterally or they say, yep, I’m going back to study. I’ve enrolled in this master’s program. Their partner’s like, [00:02:00] cool, I’ll support whatever you decide. And then that’s it. They don’t actually talk about. What that is going to look like day to day, how that’s going to change your routine.

I think of a story where someone I worked with was doing their MBA while they had a small child, and they didn’t quite figure out how do they do the pickup and drop off from daycare? What is their timetable going to look like? Who is going to do dinners? Who’s going to provide lunches?

What support do they need with childcare? In between the transition from one parent going to school and to work, they only had one cast, so that added extra levels of logistical challenge and it was causing a lot of conflict. And so we need to be able to share our hopes and dreams and our goals with our partner, and then figure out how are we going to make this work?

What support do you need from me? To help you achieve that goal. And how do we make this possible? And that can be everything from practical things around, well, if I’m [00:03:00] going to study two or three evenings a week, then I need dinner cooked for me, or I’m just going to have toast, whatever. Maybe it’s. You’ve got a dog and who walks the dog if you’ve got early morning starts because you’re trying to start your work day earlier so you can go to school after work.

Maybe you are using all your annual leave to do revision and to study. So all of these things will impact your relationship. And that’s okay. You’re allowed to have those goals. What I’m saying for people is I wish they would be able to talk about it, that you could be practical and reasonable around the impact and overt that so you’re not, your partner’s not left guessing, you are not left feeling unsupported.

So if you’ve got a big goal coming up, . Going back to study or, I know for me one, one year I want to do my yoga teacher training, and I know that’s going to be a big commitment. What does that look like? What support do you need from your partner? How do you prepare? What are the logistical considerations?

And how do you make sure you spend time [00:04:00] together?, Because this is where I see it get really painful For some people, when their partner takes on a new project or endeavor or study or something like that, they’re really stretched for time and that’s easy to do when you’re single. I know when I was single, I had two degrees overlapping at one point, and it was totally fine because I didn’t have anyone else I really needed to consider.

I could stay up late during revision and working on projects and I could spend my weekend studying. Nobody felt left out. Nobody felt like I didn’t care, or that something else was more important than them. There was none of that. Doing that same thing in a relationship can be really painful for another person, and so figuring out if you are adding more into your routine, into your life.

How do you carve out time for the two of you? What does that look like? Is it a shared lunch break together? Is does your date night switch to a date morning or a Sunday afternoon? Or does it switch to an evening walk instead of going out? Like how do you carve out time for each other with [00:05:00] these new commitments?

So talking about your goals and how you are going to make that possible in your relationship is the first thing I wish people spoke about.

The second is finances. And I’m not talking about a budget. I mean, I hate budgets. I think they’re boring, and even the word gets me anxious and I feel restricted. It’s actually around money stories and what money means to each person, because we all have a different meaning. And if someone’s out there saying, no, money’s just about dollar and cents.

I’m calling bullshit on that because money has meaning for some people. There’s never enough money. They could add a zero to their paycheck and they’ll always feel stressed about money. There’ll be scarcity about money. There’ll be anxiety about money, and someone else might see it. As it regenerates, it comes, it goes.

They make it, they spend it, and that’s okay. We all have beliefs about money and it represents different things to us. So talking about that in your relationship is so important. And this goes before.

And this goes beyond [00:06:00] who pays on the first date. I, I see so many articles and podcast episodes and people talking about who pays on the first date and what does it mean? Fuck the first date. I mean, no, the first date does matter. Yes, first impressions count, but what about the rest of it? What do you do?

You split things. How do you work around if someone’s studying and someone’s working? If someone earns more, if someone earns less, what do you value in terms of time? And does parenting obligations count as that? Do? How do you budget for holidays? Does if someone earns more, do they go and enjoy themselves where the other person doesn’t come?

Like actually talking about all of this stuff is so important. Asking yourself. What does money mean to me? And checking in with your partner, what does it mean to you? What was money like growing up in your family? You can have two people whose families lived in a similar socioeconomic status, who have completely opposite ways of viewing money.

If your family spent. Everything they earned every week and there was never enough money for an emergency. You might [00:07:00] continue that habit. You might have credit card debt or buy now, pay later things. You might have all of that and just think, that’s okay. I’ll pay it off. Someone else with the same situation might go the complete other way, where they’re scared to spend, they want to have money for a rainy day, they want to have a buffer and an emergency fund, and they get really anxious about spending money and sometimes.

Because life can feel a little bit mean. Sometime those two people tend to find each other and then all sorts of conflict can arise. So talking about money is super, super important. It doesn’t have to be all at once, doesn’t have to be on the first date, but slowly, slowly. It’s a really important conversation to have.

The third one, and I have done episodes about this before, so check those out is about sex and. I would go as far as saying, people don’t even have a definition for this. When they say we are not having enough sex, or I’m not having the sex that I want, they might not have the same idea of what sex means to their partner.

So actually defining what sex [00:08:00] is. It is really important, and sometimes I hear people, and I use it too because sometimes I have to speak in a way that’s PG because the audience has got, you know, they’re a little ears listening. So we might substitute sex for intimacy, but intimacy can mean a lot of things to different people.

They can feel really connected and have a lot of intimacy by cuddling on the couch, and someone else might see intimacy as penetrative sex. Very, very different ideas of what that means. So actually having a conversation about what does sex mean to you,

and I’ll pop a link to my free guide on how to talk about sex and intimacy. So if you want to learn a little bit more or you’ve got want to have some questions that you can ask your partner, you can get that

I

so defining what it means to you is important. Then I would go as far as saying, then I would like people to consider, well, what does good sex look like? And it’s actually really sad to say, I speak with a lot of cisgendered, heterosexual females who have really bad sex, who have painful sex, and it’s. Most of the [00:09:00] time.

And so they don’t want it anymore because the sex they’re having doesn’t feel good and they dunno how to talk about it. Or when they try, their partner doesn’t respond in a way that’s helpful or gets defensive, and then it just kind of feels like a chore or a box to tick and. I, I think that’s really sad.

I don’t think anybody should be having painful sex. If you’re having painful sex, please seek some support. You might need a sex therapist, a couple’s therapist, medical support, like a pelvic physio. There is no need to have painful sex, having the tools, the skills to be able to talk to your partner about what good sex is.

And if you are a male partner listening to this, ask your partner what feels good. And if you don’t know, start exploring things together. We don’t get taught this. I know for a lot of people, especially if you’re around my age, our sex education was very much around, don’t get pregnant, don’t get an STD or STI and that’s it.

I mean, ours was. Taught by our school reverence. So you can imagine what that was like. There was no conversation [00:10:00] about pleasure or fun or consent. It’s getting a little bit better now. People are starting to talk about consent, but the pleasure side, it’s still not very often. So having a conversation about sex, what it means and what good sex is really, really important.

The fourth thing I want to talk about is expectations, and this is in those different life stages, so you might have an idea in your mind of what it means to move in together. If you’re agreeing to live together and in your head you’re like, oh. So when we move in together. This is how the job description changes, right?

This is what I expect of them, that they will contribute equally to rent or to chores, or it means that when we go somewhere, it’s always like a double, like as the two of us go together, or we do activities together on the weekend, and the other person might have a very different idea or expectation of we live together.

That we still have our own space, or I have my room, I study, you have your whatever room, and we still have our own spaces and, and someone else might say [00:11:00] everything as joint. There’s no right or wrong in this, actually talking about it is the most important thing, what the expectations are, what you think.

And understanding what your partner thinks. And this goes into everything from big life transitions and in particular gender roles. So if you are in a heterosexual relationship, don’t make the assumptions about who’s going to do or actually talk about it. And this is one of my pet peeves in individual work in particular, is when I see moms and it’s, it’s often moms that complain about this saying, cool, I’m going back to work after parental leave, after maternity leave.

And my partner says, I’ll support whatever you decide. And they are left seething because all the weight is put on them to figure it out. So when they’re told, I’ll just support whatever you want, there’s a lot of little asterisk next to that because it’s still implying they have to do the work. So if it’s, I’m choosing the childcare, but they have to be dropped off at eight and I start work at seven 30.

Uh, I’m expecting you to do it right. So having those [00:12:00] conversations about expectations, who’s going to be the provider? What does it mean about, what does providing even mean? I know a lot of people get into big fights about this and it can create a lot of shame for people. So talking about money and finances comes under this as well.

So expectations, what they are. And clarifying that. What is that going to look like at this next stage of life? Moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, a family holiday? Is family extended family or does it mean just our nuclear family? Or is it chosen family? Or if you’ve got family here but they’ve got overseas, how do you plan for a special occasion?

Do people miss out? How do you incorporate them? So actually understanding those things. Can save you so much heartache and get you feeling like you’re on the same team, because you should be, you should be on the same team and you should feel supported. And the last one, the last one I wanna talk about, which as I was writing my notes, am I talking points for this?

I was like, wow. Okay. This is, this is the [00:13:00] hardest one is actually talking about your fears. And I don’t know why this is so hard. I sometimes am like this as well. It’s the fears that get in the way for so many of us. It makes it really hard to talk about some things. Fear of getting it wrong, being inadequate.

And I did an episode, last week’s episode was, I got a job promotion and my partner wasn’t excited. And one of the possibilities in that discussion was people feeling that they’re going to be seen as inadequate or they might lose their status as a.

Provider or that they’re going to be judged. So we have all of these fears, all of this conversation happening in our mind, all of these thoughts in our heads. It then makes it really hard to be there for the other person and show up for them. So being able to talk about fears and actually tolerating that discomfort enough, you might need to breathe, you know, take some deep breaths, learn some grounding techniques.

And actually figure out what’s the story I’m [00:14:00] telling myself about this right now? What am I scared will happen? What am I worried about? What is my fear here? So being able to talk about your fears is so important, and in all the work that I’ve done around vulnerability. It is those moments in a couple’s therapy session where we slow it down and someone actually gets vulnerable and shares their fear from their own experience.

Not you always something or you never make blah, blah, blah, or time. For me, it’s, I’m really worried. That this new job promotion or this moving in together, whatever is going to have this impact on me, that’s going to land so much differently. So instead of saying like something like, let’s say you’re moving in together and it’s like you’re suffocating me, right?

It’s saying I’m really worried and scared that I might lose my independence. And for the partner listening, don’t try and fix it. I mean, the amount of times I say, that should be the name of the podcast. Please don’t try and fix it. Just listen. [00:15:00] Listen to the other person. If they are saying, I’m really worried about this, hold space for that.

Let them share their thoughts. Validate that by saying something like, I understand, or Tell me more, ask more questions, and then empathise. Well, it makes sense if you’re worried about feeling trapped. If you’re worried about losing your independence, it makes sense that you might feel trapped at the idea of moving in together.

I, I can get that. What can we do to help you feel like you’re maintaining your independence? So this one, this topic, this, this idea of talking about fears overlaps with all of the previous conversations that I wish couples would have. So being able to talk about fears is so important.

So if you’re listening to this and you’re thinking, oh my goodness, what do I do? Check out my relationship refresh. You can do it on demand, and it’ll give you some of the tools to have these conversations. I also have that downloadable about sex and intimacy, which I think is a really good conversation starter.

And if you need some therapy or you thinking about doing that, there are a lot of resources available online. You [00:16:00] can check out the work that I do at the Therapy hub, and you don’t have to be in this alone.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of this Complex Life.