What we listen for, how we work, and why holding space without bias matters
Infidelity brings out a lot. It’s one of the most painful things I see in my work with couples. There’s shame, heartbreak, anger, grief. People feel lost, scared, unsure if they want to stay or leave. They often come into therapy looking for answers, but what they really need is space to feel and think.
As professionals, our role isn’t to decide what a client should do. It’s to help them slow down enough to notice what matters, what’s hurting, and what might help them heal. That might be individually or together.
What I assess for
When someone presents after discovering or disclosing an affair, there’s often a lot going on. My first focus is on safety and emotional regulation. Are they eating, sleeping, able to function day to day? If they’re not, that needs to be named and supported.
Then I listen for:
- What their support systems look like. Who knows? Who’s helping? Who’s making things harder?
- Any risk concerns. Self-harm, suicidal thoughts, substance use
- The history. Have there been other betrayals, secrets, ongoing conflict, or past trauma?
- Family and cultural views on infidelity. How has this been seen or dealt with in their world?
- What the affair meant to them. Was it about being seen, feeling wanted, avoiding something?
Some clients want to repair. Some want clarity. Some already know they’re leaving. I start with where they are.
Why we need to put our own judgement aside
Affairs can bring up strong feelings in us too. But it’s not our job to decide who’s right or wrong. Clients might still be in touch with the affair partner. They might not know what they want. They might be too ashamed to say what they’re really thinking.
If we come in too hard or too fast, they won’t trust us with the rest.
As Esther Perel writes, “Today, infidelity can mean the end of a relationship. But just as often, it’s a crisis from which a new relationship can begin.”
(The State of Affairs, p. 122)
Why we need to ask about suicide risk in men
Orygen’s recent review reminded us how critical this is. Relationship breakdown is a high-risk time for men, especially those under 35. As therapists, we can’t shy away from asking directly about safety. Separation, shame, and sudden loss can tip someone into hopelessness.
I ask things like:
- Are you having thoughts that things feel pointless?
- Have you thought about ending your life?
- What’s been getting you through?
- Who have you spoken to about this?
If they say no, I still keep an eye on things. If they say yes, I stay calm and take the next steps.
How I support recovery
If a couple wants to stay together, I’m honest with them. The old relationship is gone. They’re not trying to go back. They’re building something new.
In Gottman therapy, we talk about the phases of healing:
- Atonement. Taking full responsibility. No excuses
- Attunement. Understanding what was happening emotionally before the affair
- Attachment. Rebuilding trust, emotional safety, and shared meaning
Some people also benefit from EMDR, especially if they’re showing signs of trauma. Flashbacks, panic, avoidance, spirals of fear. EMDR can help them feel safer in their body and mind again.
For individuals, therapy is about reconnecting with their values, making sense of what happened, and thinking about what kind of relationship they want next. With this partner or someone else.
When someone’s in crisis, we don’t need to fix everything. We need to be calm. To hold space. To ask thoughtful questions. To offer care without judgement.
If this is something you’re supporting in your work or experiencing yourself, I recorded a podcast episode exploring why we’re so drawn to stories about infidelity. It unpacks the social and emotional layers behind betrayal, and why it’s so hard to make sense of when you’re in it.
https://marievakakis.com.au/why-are-we-so-obsessed-with-other-peoples-affairs/
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