I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries lately. If this is something on your mind too, you can check out my podcast episode where I talk about boundaries.
One thing that comes up often in my work is the concept of boundaries and body autonomy. As a therapist, I work with a lot of adults who struggle with boundaries whether it’s saying no, advocating for themselves, or knowing where their limits are. When we unpack it, it’s often because they were never taught boundaries as children.
Boundaries possibly weren’t modelled for them, and when they tried to set boundaries, they may not have been respected. They weren’t given choices or options, and they grew up feeling like they didn’t have ownership over their body or decisions.
This pattern can often start in childhood.
When “It’s Just a Hug” Isn’t Just a Hug
Think about a family gathering like Christmas, a birthday, or a visit from relatives. Someone comes over that the child doesn’t know very well or doesn’t like particularly like. The adults expect them to give hugs or kisses. Maybe you’ve seen (or even said) things like:
- “Go on, give Uncle John a hug!”
- “Don’t be rude, give Auntie Jane a kiss.”
- “It’s just a hug—what’s the big deal?”
But if the child doesn’t want to? What then?
Forcing your child to hug or kiss someone when they don’t want to sends a harmful message: that their body isn’t really theirs. It tells them that someone else’s feelings or expectations are more important than their comfort and that they need to use their body to make others happy. These patterns build over time and can set people up for a lifetime of challenges, where they feel like they don’t fully own their body or their choices.
What Are We Really Teaching?
By pushing physical affection, even with the best intentions, we’re teaching kids:
- That they need to prioritise someone else’s feelings over their own boundaries.
- That a bigger, stronger, or more influential person gets to dictate how their body is used.
- That their “no” doesn’t matter.
And that last one—teaching them that their “no” doesn’t matter—is where so many struggles with boundaries start.
Why Boundaries Start in Childhood
Boundaries and body autonomy are fundamental skills that kids need to develop. They’re skills that will help them navigate relationships, friendships, workplaces, and everything else life throws at them. And it starts with small moments, like being allowed to say no to a hug.
When we teach kids that their body is their own, we’re reinforcing an important message: they have the right to decide what happens to their body, and their voice matters.
This isn’t about raising rude or disrespectful children—it’s about raising kids who feel confident and empowered to advocate for themselves.
What About Adult Feelings?
Here’s the tricky bit. As adults, we often expect affection from kids as a way of showing love or respect. When a child refuses a hug, it might sting. Maybe you’ve been in the position where your child doesn’t want to hug you, or Auntie Jane looks visibly hurt because she didn’t get her kiss.
But here’s the truth: that’s not the child’s responsibility.
Adults are responsible for managing their own feelings—whether that’s disappointment, rejection, or frustration. Children shouldn’t have to sacrifice their comfort or boundaries to make adults feel better.
How to Model Healthy Boundaries
If we want kids to grow into adults who can set boundaries and feel confident saying no, it starts with us. Here are some practical ways to model and teach boundaries:
- Give Them Options
Instead of insisting on a hug or kiss, offer alternatives.
- “Would you like to give Auntie Jane a high-five or a wave?”
- “You don’t have to hug, but can you say goodbye another way?”
Giving choices shows them that their boundaries are valid and that they have control over their body.
- Respect Their No
If a child says no to physical touch, honour it—even if it’s you they’re saying no to. This can be tough as a parent or close family member, but it’s an important way to model respect and show them that their “no” matters. - Talk About Body Autonomy
Have open conversations about why this matters.
- “Your body belongs to you, and it’s okay to say no if you’re not comfortable.”
- “Nobody has the right to touch you if you don’t want them to.”
These small conversations can have a big impact on how they see themselves and their rights.
- Prepare Family Members
Before gatherings, talk to relatives about your approach to boundaries. Explain that you’re teaching your child about body autonomy and ask for their support. - Model Boundaries in Your Own Life
Let kids see you setting boundaries for yourself. Whether it’s saying no to something you’re not comfortable with or explaining why you’ve made a decision, role-modelling is one of the best ways to teach.
What If They Push Back?
It’s normal for kids to test boundaries or for some adults to push back on these ideas. Be consistent. If your child knows that their boundaries will be respected every time, they’ll feel more confident in asserting them.
You can also let kids know that it’s okay for them to feel awkward or uncomfortable at first. Say things like:
- “I know we haven’t done this before, but I want to do things differently now.”
- “This might feel a bit strange at first, but it’s important to me that you know your boundaries matter.”
Let’s Stop Dismissing Boundaries
Stop dismissing it with things like “it’s just a hug.” It’s not “just a hug” to the child. It’s a moment where they’re learning about their rights, their voice, and their value.
When adults reinforce the message that a child’s “no” matters, we’re not just teaching boundaries; we’re teaching them that they are in control of their bodies and that they have a right to advocate for themselves.