I have been thinking a lot about friendships lately. As a therapist I see how important they are and how much it hurts when they are missing. When I talk about relationships people often assume I’m discussing couples or families, but friendships are just as vital. I have seen the pain of people who feel completely alone, or those with a friend just a phone call away, but who are too scared to pick up the phone. That fear of reaching out comes up more often than you might think.
I spoke with Steph Clarke recently, on the podcast This Complex Life, and she said something that really stuck with me. “Everyone’s sort of wanting better, closer, more fun connected relationships and friendships, but no one’s initiating those, or everyone’s waiting for someone else to initiate them.” I see this all the time. People who desperately want connection but ask for it so vaguely that the other person has no idea it is even a request. They will say things like, “Hey, on the weekend I might be in the area. Let me know if you’re free.” It is so non-committal that nothing happens. The other person says, “Maybe, let me know when you’re nearby” and then the weekend just slips by.
Steph also talked about how some people are terrified of being too sincere. She called it an aversion to cringe. That fear of being earnest stops a lot of people from asking for what they need. Underneath that is often the fear of rejection.
Then there is the planning. For some people the thought of organising something feels exhausting. Steph shared an approach I love. “I’m going to be here at this time on this day. If anyone’s in, I’ll see you there. If you’re not, cool, I’ll see you next time.” No endless group chats trying to coordinate every single person’s schedule. I have started doing this for camping trips and even for the movies. I just book the thing I want to do and invite friends to join. No negotiation, no stress. I find it easy but I know for some people it feels incredibly vulnerable to put themselves out there like that.
Steph told me a story about inviting six friends who had been important to her that year to a birthday dinner. She gave them plenty of notice but a week before the night people were asking “Is that still happening?” and some pulled out altogether. She was so disappointed that she cancelled the whole thing. Five years later she tried again. This time she sent little weekly updates, fun facts about each guest, and built the excitement. Everyone showed up. No last-minute flaking. It reminded me of a birthday I once spent in my pyjamas on a Saturday with not a single plan. It still hurts to this day that not a single friend thought to invite me out or take me out.
For me now the shape of my friendships has changed. Many of my close friends have kids. That changes things. Friday nights are family time. Coffee catch-ups are now at the playground. Some assume their lives are too boring for me so they do not invite me. What they do not realise is that I would happily join them for an 8 am takeaway coffee while the kids climb on the monkey bars. Steph has noticed something similar. Some friends disappear into the early parenting years and reappear once the kids are older. Others keep their friendships going by weaving them into everyday life, like doing the grocery shopping together or co-working from each other’s homes.
The friction doesn’t just come from scheduling, sometimes it is emotional. I have seen new parents up at 3 am who would never dream of sending a voice memo at that hour because they worry it would be annoying. But I use an app where you can leave video messages and if a friend sent me something at 3 am I would listen and reply when I could. The same with a quick “who’s free for a chat right now” in a group message. I think sometimes people try to protect others or not be seen as too much or too needy, that they remove the option for others to show up for them, altogether.
We also spoke about how most people aren’t being toxic but might be perceived as such; that we have a culture that over-pathologises normal human behaviour as toxic or a red flag. Most people are just awkward, messy humans. Some people are having a bad day, some get it wrong, and some double-book. None of that makes them evil.
That also means we need to rethink how we respond when friends fall short. Disappointment and conflict are part of any relationship, and they don’t have to be deal breakers. If the friendship matters, there is value in staying curious, talking about it, and finding ways back to each other rather than quietly stepping away.
If you want to keep your friendships alive you have to do something about it. You have to water them (metaphorically, of course). You cannot just rely on your partner or your kids to meet all your emotional needs. We need a whole community to meet our needs as people, and I know, as someone who feels like they’ve been left behind in some friendship groups. It is incredibly painful to have been there for people’s huge milestones from 18th birthdays, 21st engagements, weddings, etc, to suddenly not be contacted for months at a time because they’re too busy. Or to feel like your own important events don’t seem like huge milestone. If you buy a house, open up a business, or publish a book those things deserve to be celebrated, because they are important to you. Just because they aren’t traditional events, like an engagement, a wedding, or baby shower, it doesn’t mean that they don’t deserve attention.
So to maintain friendship, sometimes it means making less effort. Stripping away the over-organising and just letting people know where you will be and when. Sometimes it means making more effort, putting thought into how to bring people together, and being intentional about it. Either way, it means putting yourself out there and accepting that real connection comes with a little discomfort. You might get rejected. You might feel awkward. But you also might end up sitting with someone you care about, having a laugh over coffee, and remembering why friendship matters so much in the first place.