When I was a new therapist, I was good at identifying what was wrong with someone else.
I could pinpoint someone’s insecurities. fears and anxieties, and even have an idea of a potential diagnosis that might fit their behaviour.
I was good at finger-pointing and while I didn’t share it widely, I had my ideas of what was wrong with someone else. This even applied in my relationships, where I got good at discharging blame, identifying what was wrong with THEM, and failing to look at myself in that interaction. I was partially oblivious to it.
Well, that changed 🤦🏻♀️
A lot of this was turned on its head when I started studying Family Therapy. I came across Bowen’s family systems theory and Jenny Brown’s work. Her work (influenced by Dr Murray Bowen) had me thinking about the role we play in our relationships, the things we evoke in others, and how we contribute to patterns within our relationships. It was confronting and kind of blew my mind.
This contributed to my interest and passion for working with relationships. A move slightly away from the medical model of mental health. In addition to my master’s in Family Therapy, I went on to do additional training in couples therapy and started incorporating more and more couple and family work in my practice. As a lifelong learner and eager student, I enthusiastically absorbed as much of Jenny’s work as I could, reading her book, doing training with her and inviting her to share her wisdom on the This Complex Life Podcast.
I really enjoy my conversations with Jenny and I’ve been interviewed on her podcast and she’s been on mine, coming back for the second time to talk about one of my favourite self-help books, “Growing Yourself Up”.
I wasn’t lying in the interview when I said, this book angered me and made me want to throw it across the room [probably shouldn’t have said that to the author😬].
This book was raw and real. I felt confronted and exposed. It held a mirror up to behaviour and patterns in myself, acknowledging that was deeply uncomfortable.
I had to put it down and try reading it in small doses [probably not selling the book, but I promise it is worth it]. Her work and this book didn’t just impact my work. It had an impact on me.
In my chat with Jenny, I was reminded about our interactions with our families, and how sometimes saying nothing at all could be the best thing to say. I found this interesting in a culture that is increasingly interested in boundaries and setting expectations, a question i posed to Jenny in our interview. It turned into a discussion about how sometimes drastic changes in a relationship can cause unnecessary conflict.
I asked Jenny about how personal losses have shaped her approach to relationships and therapy I love how Jenny uses stories to highlight how we relate to other people.
She shares some personal experiences and reflections about the death of her parents in her book and in the podcast interview, which I think is quite brave and I admire her vulnerability. I think in this way, she leads by example, and it encourages me to do more myself.
During our conversation, Jenny shared insightful quotes that struck a chord with me:
- “This is a book about how we’re all affecting each other in the back and forth of relationships.”
- “It’s how we manage the stresses and strains of life in ways that don’t impinge on or make life difficult for others.”
- “We’re all in the soup of relationship challenges and opportunities together.”
While I could have kept talking to her for hours we talked about
“How does understanding our roles in relationships lead to personal growth?”
And
“How can we navigate the balance between autonomy and connection in our relationships?”
If you’re keen to dive deeper into how we act and respond in relationships and challenge yourself a bit, check out the full episode. Jenny’s insights offer a compelling look at personal growth through relational lenses.
Catch the full episode [here] and let’s navigate this complex landscape of relationships together, learning and growing every step of the way.
If you’re interested in exploring your own relationships check out The Therapy Hub or for those with teens, you might like my Connected Teens course. I include loads of family systems work in it as well as values-based work. It’s the program I wish all parents had before they sent their child to therapy.