The 4 Habits that Predict Relationship Trouble

[00:00:00] Marie Vakakis: [00:00:00] Have you ever walked away from an argument and thought, how on earth did we end up here? Something so seemingly small led to this enormous blow up, and it might even have you doubting the entire relationship wondering, are we even compatible? I see this come up so often in the counseling space, and it can happen over the smallest, sometimes seemingly insignificant or totally valid and reasonable thing that someone might say to their partner.

 

[00:00:31] Marie Vakakis: Let’s say your partner walks in from work and you are unloading or loading the dishwasher, and they make the comment, why would you stack the plates like that? They’re not going to get cleaned. Maybe you respond with an eye roll or a sigh and then all of a sudden it’s no longer about the dishes. It could be a throwback comment.

 

[00:00:51] Marie Vakakis: Well, if you were here on time, like you were supposed to, you could have stacked the dishes how you like. It’s like, well, fine. Blame me for having to work. Don’t worry that I’m out there slaving [00:01:00] away. And all you had to do was do the dishes. Sorry. To be so needy and ask for something that’s so unreasonable, it’s like, oh, so unreasonable.

 

[00:01:06] Marie Vakakis: Hey, well how about when I did the laundry and ironed your shirt? Took the dog out or took the dog to the vet and all of a sudden it is attack, attack, attack and a huge blow up. And now it’s not about the dishes. And this is where it gets really interesting because often when people are talking about a fight or retelling it to their friends, they leave out how they fought and they only talk about what, because yeah, if you are telling your friend, is it unreasonable for me to expect my partner?

 

[00:01:38] Marie Vakakis: To stack the dishwasher when I did all the cooking. They’ll probably say, no, it’s not unreasonable. It’s a very reasonable request. And the other person might say like, well, if I was held up at work and I’m working hard because I have some expenses to pay for and I didn’t have time, but I would’ve done it, is it unreasonable for me to expect that they could do it for me?

 

[00:01:57] Marie Vakakis: Just this once their friends might say, [00:02:00] yeah. It’s not unreasonable either. And then we start fighting about the content. And the thing is, it’s almost never about the content. It’s never about the dishes or the spreadsheet or the mechanic or the dog or the laundry. It’s often about how we fight the words that are said and what happens to the other person in those interactions.

 

[00:02:21] Marie Vakakis: What happens to each other, the dynamic that gets created. And this is what I want to talk about today.

 

[00:02:26] Marie Vakakis: So folks, today we’re going to talk about the complex, messy, and sometimes a little bit confusing side of arguments. In relationships. There are four behaviors that come up over and over. Over again in the work that I do with couples, and they’re described as the four horsemen something, the four horseman of the apocalypse.

 

[00:02:49] Marie Vakakis: It’s a term that is used in Gottman couples therapy, and

 

[00:02:54] Marie Vakakis: I wanna talk to them in a little bit more detail in just a moment. First, they wanna start with [00:03:00] this idea that conflict is somehow bad. It’s actually not. Conflict is normal. It’s healthy, and we need it. If you were having no conflict, I would actually be worried that you are not saying what you think, what you want, what you need, or having any request.

 

[00:03:17] Marie Vakakis: Maybe you’re too scared to upset your partner. That’s not a healthy dynamic that we want, but conflict is really important for building trust, healthy conflict. What you say and how you say it matters a lot.

 

[00:03:32] Marie Vakakis: There are three main types of conflict styles. Identified by the Gottman’s. Now, there are lots of different reasons that couples fight and people fight and conflict, , tolerance and how people, you know, their attachment styles. A lot of this can come into it, but the three I want to talk about just briefly, I’ll do another whole episode on those.

 

[00:03:50] Marie Vakakis: Another time, is volatile. So volatile couples, they argue passionately, but repair quickly. There’s validating couples [00:04:00] and they focus on calm and balanced discussions. Then there’s conflict avoidant couples who steer away from conflict and confrontation and focus on shared values. All three styles can be healthy if they include mutual respect.

 

[00:04:17] Marie Vakakis: An emotional safety, if there is a mismatch between the two people. If one person is a conflict avoidant person and the other is a volatile, that’s going to create a lot of difficulty. It’s not impossible to work through, but it’s going to make somethings really hard in a relationship.

 

[00:04:34] Marie Vakakis: Problems start when these styles are replaced by defensiveness, blame, and emotional shutdown. Many couples assume that fighting about the dishes or money or chores means something’s wrong, but the topic is rarely the issue.

 

[00:04:48] Marie Vakakis: I’ve seen couples fight about spreadsheets, a bag of chips dropping off the car to the mechanic dog food. I mean, the, the things that it, it seemed [00:05:00] completely random and small. It’s not about the actual thing. It’s not about the dog food or taken to the car, to the mechanic or the bag of chips. It is usually something much deeper.

 

[00:05:13] Marie Vakakis: How couples handle emotional tension really, really matters. So this is where the four horsemen come in.

 

[00:05:19] Marie Vakakis: When these four behaviors show up repeatedly in relationships, people can feel like they’re really struggling. Recognising them is the first step. Now, when I first heard about these. Four horse, when I was doing my Level One training and prior to that, I would’ve been on the side of the content matters. I would’ve been arguing tooth and nail from my point of view, being like, well, what I’m saying is not unreasonable.

 

[00:05:43] Marie Vakakis: This is a very fair thing. You should have done X, Y, Z, and I would’ve been asking friends about it. I would’ve been reading magazines, you know, the Dear Therapist kind of columns and being like, see. What I’m saying, it makes sense. There is no other way you could possibly be looking at that. [00:06:00] You must be dot, dot, dot fill in the blank.

 

[00:06:03] Marie Vakakis: And, and this training helped me understand that fighting is normal, it’s healthy. Even how you do it really matters. And there are ways in which you can talk about what’s bothering you or talk about things that are difficult. That are more likely to give you the outcome that you want, which is often to feel heard, understood, validated, appreciated, connected, all of these things.

 

[00:06:29] Marie Vakakis: One of the books that highlight this really well is the Seven Principles to Making Marriage Work and the Book Fight, right? So either of those two books are a really good starting point if you wanna learn a little bit more, and I’ll do a book review on those as well. So keep your eyes and ears peeled.

 

[00:06:43] Marie Vakakis: They’ll be floating around somewhere. Now, these are not general communication issues. They are patterns that either predict couples. Being pulled apart, staying together, depending on how they’re handled. And now I use these, this analogy or this tool, this resource, whatever you want to call it [00:07:00] in my work daily with couples.

 

[00:07:02] Marie Vakakis: the first one I wanna talk about is criticism. This is when you attack your partner’s character rather than speak to a specific behavior. This one is a very interesting one because I see it. Come up so, so, so often, even when someone is trying to tell their partner that they feel criticised, they usually do that in a critical way.

 

[00:07:26] Marie Vakakis: It’s very interesting. I want to talk a little bit about what it looks like so you can kind of start to say, oh, maybe I’m doing this. If you’re a person who has sensitivity to rejection is maybe got a history of trauma, you might. Perceive a neutral thing as criticism, and that’s very different. Someone saying, I prefer

 

[00:07:50] Marie Vakakis: mushrooms on my pizza. That doesn’t mean you messed up and you made a mistake while they’re criticising you or criticising your cooking. So we have to be very careful here of [00:08:00] feeling criticised. Someone being critical aren’t always the same thing. We don’t wanna devalue that and invalidate that experience, but it is a different conversation and having the language to talk about that can still be really helpful.

 

[00:08:16] Marie Vakakis: Now, criticism, this is when you start to attack the person’s character rather than naming a specific behavior or a feeling for yourself. It’s often using phrases like you always, you never. Things like you are so lazy, you never think about anyone but yourself.

 

[00:08:34] Marie Vakakis: It can also sound like frustration That then turns into blame. And this is really important because sometimes instead of asking for what we want, we tell the other person what they’re not doing, and then we label that as part of their personality or a character flaw. Things like, I always have to remind you of everything.

 

[00:08:51] Marie Vakakis: That’s criticism, you know, it creates hurt and disconnection and then leads to defensiveness. And that’s one of the four horsemen that I’m [00:09:00] gonna talk about in just a moment. So if someone feels criticised and attacked, they’re likely to respond with defensiveness. And then before you know it, big, fight over.

 

[00:09:09] Marie Vakakis: Seemingly nothing the antidote to this. So this is what to do instead. Is to focus on your feelings. I felt like I didn’t matter when I texted you in the morning and I didn’t hear from you until the evening. I would like you to check your phone or message me back. Okay, that’s very different to saying you don’t care about me and you never reply to my text messages because then the other person’s going to say, well, of course I reply, or I was busy, or, what do you want from me?

 

[00:09:39] Marie Vakakis: And it starts as a fight. Very different to say, I feel when and I need that need Might not be possible, but at least you’re starting the conversation in a gentler way that allows for some dialogue. Defensiveness. This often comes hand in hand with [00:10:00] criticism. If someone feels criticised, attacked, blamed, they’re probably going to get defensive.

 

[00:10:07] Marie Vakakis: This happens in a way often to protect yourself, and it can look like denial, excuses, or turning back the blame. So if you are. Being told you never think of other people, you’re so selfish. You might say, well, you’re so selfish because last time you did this, or Do you remember that thing three years ago that you did that really pissed off this person?

 

[00:10:29] Marie Vakakis: So they might flip it back or they might say, well, nothing I do is good enough for you then is it? And start to throw back defensiveness with more criticism and back and forth you go and it becomes a whole big thing.

 

[00:10:42] Marie Vakakis: It blocks real connection and it stops people from listening. Once you’re in that mode, it’s hard to really pay attention to what’s being said and to move the conversation into a more healthy structure or have a healthier [00:11:00] conversation. The antidote to this is to take responsibility even for a small part.

 

[00:11:06] Marie Vakakis: And this is where couples work and relationship work and communication is so nuanced because yes, we want someone to deliver their wants and needs in a noncritical way, and we’re human. We get it wrong. I get it wrong. So when you are in a defensive mode, we’re also hoping and trying to get you to read between the lines and maybe notice, oh.

 

[00:11:34] Marie Vakakis: If there’s a meaning under this for them and maybe I can take some responsibility, you are right. Hours went by without me replying to your text message. That must have really sucked for you. And then you have a very different conversation. So the antidote to defensiveness is taking accountability and responsibility, even for a small part, even if that small part was not within your control.

 

[00:11:58] Marie Vakakis: Even if you were running [00:12:00] late because there was an accident on the freeway that was totally unpredictable and you did leave work early, but there was all of these things out of your control saying, you are right. I’m late. I know this meant a lot to you. He’s still taking responsibility for some part of that, so it’s really important here.

 

[00:12:18] Marie Vakakis: That’s how we move through defensiveness and into a more productive conversation. Taking accountability and responsibility for a small part of that or a part of that

 

[00:12:27] Marie Vakakis: contempt. Now, this is maybe the most damaging of the fore. It shows up as sarcasm. Mockery, eye rolling name calling, and it can be really subtle. It might even seem like it’s passive aggressive, but it can be really subtle. Sometimes it sends a message of superiority, and this is stuff like,

 

[00:12:50] Marie Vakakis: oh, please. You always pay the victim, or things like, I guess I’ll just do it myself then. This builds resentment and emotional disconnection, and it [00:13:00] erodes a relationship very quickly. The antidote to that is creating a culture of appreciation, so it’s not using language like you always, you never, which is that critical thing, and not coming from a place of superiority, oh, please, you’re the victim.

 

[00:13:18] Marie Vakakis: It’s, it’s avoiding and not doing those. And creating a culture in the relationship of appreciation. I appreciate how hard you try. Thank you for doing that. It doesn’t mean someone just gets a pat on the back for doing the stuff that they’re supposed to do. Yeah, we have chores, we have responsibilities.

 

[00:13:36] Marie Vakakis: We, we know that and it doesn’t hurt. In fact, it actually helps us feel good for that to be acknowledged and appreciated. Thanks for making dinner. I know you were tired and I appreciated it. Even if it was their turn, even if you agreed, it doesn’t hurt to say thank you. That was really delicious. I appreciate the effort you made.

 

[00:13:54] Marie Vakakis: Small positive moments can help rebuild connection and help rebuild the [00:14:00] trust that can easily get eroded when we have a lot of contempt. And the last of the four is stonewalling. Now, stonewalling is not the same as taking a break. Some people, when they get overwhelmed, flooded, distressed, they need to take a moment to calm down and regulate themselves.

 

[00:14:19] Marie Vakakis: Stonewalling happens when someone shuts down or emotionally checks out. Now this can happen when they’re flooded, overwhelmed, distressed, overstimulated, and it looks like silence going blank, or maybe leaving the room now to the other person.

 

[00:14:36] Marie Vakakis: That can feel like a huge rejection. It can feel like it’s dismissing there. Needs, they’re, it’s invalidating or like they’re walking away from an argument or something that is really important. And so we want to slow this down and help the person regulate. So the antidote to this is to take a break and to self-soothe now as a couple, [00:15:00] finding a way to say, I need a break.

 

[00:15:02] Marie Vakakis: Saying when you’re going to come back to the conversation. Because if you just say, I’m going to take a break, and then you sweep it under the rug, and three months go by and that conversation and many other sins have not been readdressed, that’s not going to do a lot for building trust in the relationship.

 

[00:15:16] Marie Vakakis: So being able to say, I’m gonna go for a walk. We’ll talk about it in half an hour, not in an angry way, not I’m going for a walk because I can’t bear the sight of you. We’re just adding more fuel to that fire. What you say is really important and how you say it is just as important. Tone matters. We have to start looking at how we fight and take some accountability for the names that we call our partner for the dialogue that we use.

 

[00:15:45] Marie Vakakis: It can be really, really negative and really awful. Learning how to get your needs met in a positive way, how to feel heard, validated, and understood by setting up the conversation in a way that’s going to create [00:16:00] conditions to support that. But also on the other side, learn to read between the lines.

 

[00:16:05] Marie Vakakis: Learn to listen to your partner, validate their experience. All of these things are super important. Why all of this matters. Gottman research shows that these patterns are strong predictors of relationship breakdown. And this is not just about the research. I see it all the time. I’ve been on that side where I’ve used so many of those unhelpful and really quite corrosive things in my arguments.

 

[00:16:30] Marie Vakakis: I’ve witnessed it in people around me, and then I’ve seen the benefit of doing it differently of what it’s like to use those antidotes, how it can shape and shift an entire conversation shape, and then shift an entire relationship. And the ripple effect of that is incredible. They are habits that can be changed with intention, with awareness, and with effort.

 

[00:16:53] Marie Vakakis: You don’t need to get it right all the time. What matters then is how you repair after conflict, and I’m gonna talk [00:17:00] about that in a future episode. So keep in mind, instead of criticism, express your feelings and needs instead of defensiveness, take some ownership. Instead of contempt practice appreciation instead of stonewalling.

 

[00:17:15] Marie Vakakis: Practice self-soothing. The way you handle conflict can shape the quality of your relationship. I.