[00:00:00] Have you ever wondered if you’ve outgrown your partner? Maybe you’re questioning, are you even with the right person? Perhaps if I was with someone else, things would be better, easier, different.

Marie Vakakis: And then a part of you might really want the relationship to work and just hope that one day they’ll get it. They’ll see it, they’ll understand. This doesn’t really just happen after one fight. I see it show up for people when disconnection happens slowly over time.

Conversations go around in circles. You start fighting about the same thing over and over again. You could almost script a fight and it would go in a very predictable way,

and you start thinking, maybe we’re just not compatible anymore in this episode of this complex life. i’m going to walk you through five common patterns that I see as a couple’s therapist in the couples that I work with that explain why couples who still care can end up feeling distant, lonely, and stuck.

[00:01:00] And one of them is something I needed to learn the hard way, and I made the same mistake over and over and over again until I learned this very hard and very confronting lesson for myself. This isn’t about fixing your partner,

It’s about understanding what’s actually happening underneath the surface of disconnection and loneliness. And what I want you to think about as you listen to this

is that feeling disconnected doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve outgrown each other or you’re with the wrong person. Often it means that you haven’t updated the relationship to match how life has changed and updated. It hasn’t, it hasn’t kept up with who you are now, and maybe you are remembering who you used to be or what you thought you would become and your relationship just hasn’t kept up to date with that, and I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately as I plan for this year’s is relationship New Year reset,

a workshop that I run every year that helps people go through. These kinds of [00:02:00] conversations that they need to help have rich, curious conversations that sometimes they forget or they avoid or they don’t even know how to have. And as I’m writing the prompt questions and planning out the workshop, I can see these mistakes coming up time and time again in the therapy room.

So I wanted to share them with you and hope that something lands and you can take it away and perhaps do something different in your relationship.

A lot of people assume that relationships are supposed to be easy. And they’re not. They’re not supposed to be easy. They take work. There is a level of hard that is too hard, but they do take work. It’s like having a garden, and if you want a garden with lots of plants and flowers and herbs and spices and vegetables, whatever it is you want to plant.

You have to tend to that garden. You have to sow the seeds, you have to water it. You have to pull out weeds. You might need to test the soil. Some things need sunlight. Some things need shade. Some things need pest control, or they need other plants planted in there for variety. And sometimes [00:03:00] two plants can try and compete for the same nutrients.

There’s actually maintenance that’s involved. And so relationships also take work. And some people assume that if they feel hard. That they’re in the wrong relationship.

What I see often is that things were easy in the start. Early on, the relationship felt effortless. Perhaps you met someone and you thought, what a breath of fresh air. They do all these things that my ex never did, or that I always wanted to have a partner that did, or, wow, they like cycling or camping or staying in and watching movies.

This is so amazing. We must be a great fit. And you are more in sync. There’s more of a flow, there’s an excitement to see each other. There’s a lot of curiosity and anticipation, and you’re planning dates and events and feels fun and easy and seamless. And then over time, life gets fuller. Things change.

There’s work stress. You might have kids, an aged parent moving house, a renovation, lose a job, change jobs, get a [00:04:00] promotion, go back to study. All of these things are normal natural stresses, and they’re not all bad things. You might need to do those things. You might really want to have children and you might really be excited about a new job, and it doesn’t mean that they’re not hard or they’re not stressful.

And sometimes the lack of time, the exhaustion being stretched thin leaves you not investing in your relationship. You’re not tending to that garden, you’re not watering it. You’re not pulling out the weeds. You’re just kinda letting it go. I, and it changes something changes something shifts.

And that difficulty that things are are hard, starts to be misunderstood, and it can come across to someone as I’m in the wrong relationship, things would be better with someone else. Things might be easier with another partner, with another person. And that difficulty is often seen as incompatibility.

The second common pattern that I see is both people trying really hard. And somehow things feel wrong. It feels like no matter how hard you try, [00:05:00] somehow it’s actually getting worse. And this is so confusing to be trying to be working your butt off to be maybe listening to podcasts, reading articles, sending your partner a reel or a YouTube video saying, can you just see this?

Look how much I’m trying. Look how much I’m doing. And they. They don’t respond or they don’t get it, or then they feel that they’re not being appreciated or you’re not grateful or you can’t see them, and all of a sudden something that might’ve been an act of kindness creates a fight, and that’s really sad.

I see everyone who comes into my room, people want the same thing. They want safety, stability, connection. They want to be seen and understood and valued. And people wanna feel close, and that looks different for different people. They might want the same thing, but how they go about getting it, what that looks like for them can be very different.

And this is where people really get stuck. I had a couple that I worked with and this [00:06:00] fight was. It was so confusing to them. Every night that she worked late, he would drop her off at work and he would say, okay, I’m just gonna drop you off and I’m gonna go. And he wanted to run some errands and on this one particular fight, he wanted to get the car clean and detailed and vacuumed and all of that.

And she wanted him to come in. They were, they were early for her shift, come into the shopping center that she worked at and have a coffee, have a cup of tea, and he’s like, I don’t, I don’t have time for that. I’ve gotta go take the car to be cleaned. And that caused a huge fight to the point where he just dropped her off in a half, stormed off, and the fight continued.

So when they came to see me, they were so baffled by what happened and. We talked about what they wanted out of that interaction for her. She wanted to spend quality time together. She wanted to sit down, chat about her day, have a cup of tea, maybe have a little sweet treat or dessert or something, wanted to spend time together.

That’s how she felt cared for [00:07:00] and that’s what she wanted in that moment. For him, he wanted to do something practical. He thought she needs a clean car. I can get a detail while she’s at work. It’ll be I’ll optimise this process. We won’t waste time. I can drop her off, leave her there early, and then go take the car to get cleaned.

And so when they were fighting, she felt like he didn’t wanna spend time with her and he felt unappreciated that he was trying to do something nice. And they were each doing maybe what they would’ve wanted and didn’t realise that the other person needed something else from them. And they had this moment where I remember him saying, so I just, she just wanted me to just sit with her and hang out.

Like, yeah, that’s all she wanted. And he was just bewildered. He couldn’t, couldn’t understand that she didn’t care about the car being detailed. Remember that was a nice extra to have a clean car. She just wanted to spend time together and him dismissing her invitation and then fighting about it to go and do this nice gesture, which was go and clean the car.

He was feeling [00:08:00] unappreciated and couldn’t understand why they were fighting. It’s a really good example about how sometimes we can do something and we’re trying really hard, but it’s not what the other person needs.

And then there’s this pattern that emerges, that emerges when it starts to feel personal. Slowly, slowly. Things like blame and criticism. Start to creep in. And when a couple is in this space, in this, this vibe of the relationship where things start to feel really heavy, everything that the your partner does feels like a personal attack.

And the same issues are repeating.

You can get annoyed and frustration can build and you can sit there thinking they just, they don’t care. They’re an awful person. They’re lazy, they’re inconsiderate, they’re emotionally unavailable.

And then you might start saying those things, really wanting connection, really wanting affection or help or support, but saying it in a way that is a character flaw in your partner. And [00:09:00] then these patterns start being seen as a personality flaw. And when you start commenting on your partner’s. Character and there’s a little bit of superiority in that.

We’re seeing two of the four horsemen that the Gottman’s referred to as indications of. Poor relationship satisfaction. We have criticism and contempt. So if you start saying to your partner, you’re so lazy, and there’s that hint of, well, I’m better than you. Well, I’m not lazy. You’re not only attacking their character from a point of superiority, you’re also criticising them.

And that’s not helpful. That’s a huge mistake. And contempt is a very strong predictor of divorce or separation. And so when you start describing what they’re doing wrong as a character flaw, it’s very dangerous. So imagine your partner is running late and it happens, right? I mean, you miss a train, there’s traffic, and you’ve had lasagna in the oven, and it’s, it’s gone a bit dry and they come [00:10:00] home and.

Instead of saying something like, are you okay? How was your day? It’s really great to see you. It’s, you’re so inconsiderate. All you do is think about yourself. I’ve been working all day making the lasagna, and you don’t give a shit.

There’s no way that’s going to go well. That’s going to end up in some sort of conflict or defensiveness and withdrawal. And so if you find yourself doing that. I really urge you to start catching it and thinking about what’s underneath and how else can I have said this and I’m going to,

so when you start describing each other instead of the problem, you’re in dangerous territory there. And so when, when these patterns stay unresolved, and that criticism and that contempt starts to brew and surface conflict escalates, and sometimes it’s in heated arguments, and sometimes it’s through withdrawal. So the, the tension is still there. Maybe the conflict is still there and you might not be talking about it.

You might be avoiding it. Or having big [00:11:00] fights. And I talk more about that in my conflict course, which is coming out soon, very soon, early in 2026. So if you’re in the conflict cycle, keep an eye out for that. That’s coming very soon.

And when this pattern emerges where people start describing.

And when this pattern emerges where people keep fighting and not actually talking.

And this is where people often say, we just can’t talk anymore without it turning into a fight. And we are stuck in a cycle of trying so hard to be understood and we’re interrupting the other person and telling ’em, you’re not listening, you don’t get it, you don’t understand, and we’re trying to get them to understand us, and they’re getting defensive and trying to get us to understand them, and it blows up.

And we’re stuck. And then the next fight is the accumulation of all the other fights and everything’s hanging on this one example. And you want to prove again that you’re not listening to me for only you understood. If you understood, you wouldn’t say that. And they’re trying to think, well, you don’t see it from my point of view, and it’s just off.

It’s gone and you don’t even realise it’s happening. You think, how did we get into this situation again? [00:12:00] And sometimes before you even open your mouth, you can feel the tension rise. And when you’re first dating, this is easy and breezy and maybe you don’t even bring this stuff up or there’s no history there.

You don’t have this maybe sensitivity or vulnerability to feeling attacked or criticised, or you haven’t got these stories yet about each other. And these, you collect these little bits of evidence over time that. Make you feel right? That yes, see, they do hate me. They do think I’m inadequate. They aren’t, they’re not listening.

And that character flaw, that building up them is the, as the bad guy in the relationship can start to really emerge and it’s really damaging to a relationship and. It starts small. It start and, and when I meet people and I see them one-on-one and they’re telling me, I told my partner what I’m, how I feel.

And I say, okay, that makes sense. And you could, I, I see this with my friends and we’d be talking. It’s like I told them how I felt and they just didn’t understand. And it’s funny ’cause then when I see a couple together and they say, well, I told them, I told them how I felt and I asked ’em, can you please repeat to me what you actually [00:13:00] said?

They’ll say something like You. You’re always on your phone. You never talk to me. It’s like, oh, okay. That’s actually not a feeling. You haven’t told them how you felt and you haven’t shared a want or a desire and like, yeah, I did. I said, they’re always on their phone. Again, that’s not a feeling. So if you find yourself saying you are always.dot or you never.dot, that’s your cue to stop.

Becau not because you are wrong, but because how you’re saying it. We will likely not get you what you want. We don’t get what we want through Angry Pursuit. If you want more closeness, then say, I’m feeling a little disconnected. I’d love us to spend some quality time together without devices. If you’re watching a TV show and it’s something you really love and you wanna share it with your partner and they’re scrolling on their phone, then say, I feel like we’re not.

Connecting. I wanted to show you a show that I really love and I was hoping that you’d love it too. And when I see you on your phone, it feels like you don’t think it’s important. Would you like me to pause it? Maybe now’s not a good time, or should we watch something [00:14:00] else? And so by asking for what you want and sharing a feeling and not accusing your partner, not criticising them, not saying you always or you’ll never is likely to.

Have the conversation go in a different way. It might not always work. You might be so stuck in the thick of this that you need some external help, some professional help, and that’s okay. Just like with a garden, sometimes we need to get an arborist out to cut a tree or we get a landscaper out, or we have to go to the nursery, plant nursery and buy some things for the garden that we don’t know how to DIY ourselves.

None of that is wrong. None of that is bad, and some of it is beyond DIY and that’s okay too. I encourage you to start thinking about how can you ask for what you want by saying, I feel when, and don’t say, I feel like you don’t care when you, because that’s not a feeling I feel uncared for when we are talking and you’re scrolling through your phone at dinner time.

Very different conversation.

And the last pattern, the most painful pattern that I had to learn was they should just know if they are the [00:15:00] right person. If they loved me, if they cared about me, they should just know. They should know that for my birthday, I want an experience or I want something pretty. They should know that. If I’m not feeling well, I want chicken soup.

Some variation of that. And I have broken up with people in my twenties who didn’t do the things that I thought. Well, it’s so obvious. They should just know. So if they don’t do it, they either don’t care, they’re being selfish and I don’t want that. And. Through my training as a couples therapist, this was one of the hardest things for me to learn, and it’s one of the hardest things that some of my clients really struggle with

it feels like rejection in a way, or it feels unsettling to have to ask for what you need to say. For my birthday, I would like to be surprised with an outing or an experience that I don’t have to plan when I feel sick. It means a lot to me. If you can walk the dog, clean the house and make some [00:16:00] nourishing, yummy soup.

Pumpkin soup, chicken soup, lentil soup. Call my mom and get the recipe. I don’t care. And it feels like if we have to say it, then it’s less genuine that it’s not it. It’s not real. And that’s crap because it’s really hard to make someone do something they don’t want to do. So if you’re telling your partner when I’m sick, I would love it if you make soup and then the next time you’re sick and they make you soup,

that’s not disingenuous. They have thought I’m able to do that. I can do something that my partner needs or wants or that helps ‘ em feel wanted. And then maybe next time they kind of bank that in their memory somewhere. They think, oh, Marie’s sick. I’ll make chicken soup. And this one is something I come back to time and time again of having to remind myself, my partner’s, not a mind reader, and just assuming they should just know is not going to work.

We need to ask those questions. We need to talk about it sometimes in hypotheticals, like, Hey, what do you like to do when you’re sick? What do you need from me? And sometimes it’s in the moment. If it’s the first time we’ve [00:17:00] encountered one of these situations actually saying, this is what I need from you right now.

So if you find yourself thinking, I shouldn’t have to explain this. It should be obvious what I want, it’s probably not, have a chat to your partner. Let them know. What the situation is and what you want from them and have a conversation about it. Don’t accuse them of not caring because they haven’t done this thing that they didn’t maybe know or they see it differently or they want it differently.

’cause you might find that you end up like that couple I mentioned where one person is trying to rush off to get the car detailed and the other one just wants to have a sit, sit there and have a cup of tea. You might want the same thing. Connection or quality of relationship, but have very different small needs within that or different ways of going about that.

So some of this resonated. It doesn’t mean your relationship’s broken. I see couples that come and see me all the time and we work through these together. And sometimes after a weekend marathon session, which is, it’s hard, two or three days together with me and a couple. We can transform a relationship.

And I had one of my clients say [00:18:00] I fell, I have fallen in love with my husband all over again after nearly 25 years of marriage. And it’s moments like that that keep me doing what I’m doing.

So if this resonated with you, check out. Some of my other videos, some of the other podcasts, you might find something that helps you along the way. And in the next episode, in the next episode of This Complex Life, I’m going to talk about why a yearly relationship check in or reset matters more than ever.

And how intentionally pausing to update each other, your relationship,

how you relate what you need, what your vision for the future is. The conversations you’ve maybe forgotten to have or haven’t had in a long time can stop some of these patterns from building up over time.

And I wanna hear from you what is. The mistake or the pattern that you noticed in your relationship or one that you have overcome. I’d love to hear from you. Thank you for listening to this complex life.