Transform Your Relationship in One Hour a Week with State of the Union Meetings

State of the Union Meeting

[00:00:00] What if you could transform your relationship in just an hour a week? Today, I want to talk about one of the techniques that I use in my work with couples, the State of the Union meetings. This activity was created by John and Julie Gottman, renowned couples therapists. The method is more than just a conversation; it can be a lifeline for relationships, seeking growth, empathy, resilience, and can also serve as a way to prevent conflict ruptures and resentment.

[00:01:30] As a couples therapist, it’s one of my favourite techniques to teach couples. I’ve seen firsthand how dedicating an hour a week can transform an entire relationship. Let’s explore how this can make a difference in your life. Investing time to have a conversation like this in your relationship is crucial for a healthy relationship. The State of the Union meeting is designed to reflect on the relationship, addressing both the positives and the areas that perhaps need some attention. I’m going to share some of the key steps involved in having one of these State of the Union meetings and provide some insights around how you might get that started with your partner and what that could look like for you and your relationship.

[00:03:00] The first step in having a State of the Union meeting is starting off with appreciation. Starting with appreciation sets a positive tone for these conversations. And it reminds you of the value that you both bring to each other’s lives. It’s about reinforcing the foundation of your relationship. So to start off, share five things that your partner did last week or since your last meeting that you appreciate. For example, it could be, “I appreciate that you made me my morning coffee,” or, “I appreciate that you took the dog for a walk when I was really tired after work.” I appreciate that you let me press snooze and got a few things ready to start our day. I appreciate that you were really thoughtful and packed my lunch for me. So that’s a really good, positive tone and then swap. Make sure you take it in turns to share five things that you appreciate.

[00:04:30] The second step is to discuss issues with a focus on personal feelings rather than placing blame. This allows for more constructive non-defensive conversations. Say something like, “I’ve been feeling a little disconnected when we don’t spend quality time together. Can we talk about finding a solution?” Or, “I’ve been feeling a little unappreciated lately. I’ve made a lot of effort to do these things, and it would have been nice if you had noticed.” You can also ask your partner, “How do you feel about this? How do you feel about our time spent together? And what can we do to improve it?” This encourages a problem-solving attitude and a way to talk about what you feel without criticizing or blaming. If you’re on the receiving end, remember in these conversations, the point is not to get defensive. It’s not to say, “Oh, but I always appreciate you,” or, “I always spend time with you.” It’s listening to how your partner feels, validating that and understanding that for them, regardless of whether it’s what you meant or what you intended or it’s just how the week has unfolded, that’s how it felt to them. And that’s totally valid.

[00:06:00] The third step is to understand each other’s perspective. It doesn’t mean you agree. Okay. So understanding where that person’s coming from. It doesn’t mean you agree, but showing empathy and validating their experience is so important for a healthy relationship. It’s about really listening to what they’re saying without getting defensive, without getting judgmental, without stonewalling or withdrawing. It’s sitting in that and listening to what they’re saying and understanding from their perspective that that makes sense for them. If you’re sharing feedback to the other person around the things that you’ve struggled with, you can also use this technique. When sharing with them, saying something like, “I really understand that your career is so important to you and you love what you do. It does take up a lot of your time, and I would like to spend some more time together. I’m not sure what the best way is to go about it.” You can ask something like, “Can you share with me a bit more about why this is so important to you? Or how you imagine this working between us, that we get to spend time together and you get to dedicate the time to your career?” It’s opening up that conversation with a level of curiosity, gentleness, and using empathy and validation to understand each person’s perspective.

[00:07:30] Another way that you can talk about these things is using the acronym ATTUNE. A stands for awareness, so it’s being aware of each other’s feelings. T stands for tolerant, accepting that both viewpoints are valid. The second T is turning towards, meeting your partner’s needs actively. U is understanding; this means deeply understanding each other’s perspective. N is non-defensive listening. Listen genuinely without planning a rebuttal or what you’re going to say next. E is empathy, responding with empathy and understanding. By using the steps in the ATTUNE acronym, you’re more likely to have a more collaborative conversation.

[00:09:00] The next step in having the State of the Union meetings, and again, these can be a little bit rearranged and it doesn’t have to be so rigid and structured. The next question: now, this part is probably one of the most difficult, but it’s actually about making repairs to repair attempts. Conflict is bound to happen, or we’re apt to maybe miss something that’s really important to our partner. And so having a time to talk about these before they become big or heated is incredibly helpful. So you can start off by either volunteering it or asking each other, “Is there anything that I’ve done this week, or maybe it’s two weeks since your last meeting, that’s gotten under your skin or has really bothered you? Is there something that I’ve missed or overlooked that you want to talk about?” Being able to bring that up is such a good thing for strengthening a relationship. It really helps you ease into those conversations. And if it’s something bigger, if it’s something bigger for a big issue that you had, maybe it’s a big fight that you had. Maybe this is not the best time to do that. So we have another technique called the aftermath of a fight, and I’ll make a video for that. You can check out the whole script to help you have those conversations to repair after a fight or a conflict. But in this State of the Union meeting, it’s really just about checking in. And I really like this. I think it’s a really great chance to be like, “Hey, I felt unappreciated this week,” or, “I made a big effort to cook dinner, and it would have been nice if you had said that you noticed,” or, “I went out of my way to do this, and it felt like you didn’t care.” So being able to bring those things up to your partner, and if you’re on the receiving end—and you both will be because it’s something that you take in turns—try not to get defensive. It’s not about blame. It’s not about being critical. It’s actually saying, “Okay, I can see that from that perspective or from your point of view, that was difficult or annoying or I understand. I’ll try and do different or better next time.” And sometimes that’s all it takes is to just be really aware so that things don’t blow up out of proportion. Once you’ve had a bit of a chance to show appreciation and gratitude, it’s time to ask, “What can I do next week to make you feel more loved?” Asking your partner what you can do for them to help them feel more loved next week. Ending that conversation with, “What do you need from me this week? How can I support you? How can I make you feel more loved?” And then take it in turns. It could be a simple thing like, “It would mean a lot to me if we could spend a night in together without any distractions,” or, “It would be really great if we could sit down and have a really good, deep, long conversation,” or, “I’d love it if, while you’re away for the week, you could give me a call every lunch break or leave me a voicemail.” It’s having a conversation in a way that allows you to meet your partner’s needs and to understand what they are and make sure that you both get a chance to talk about what you need. These check-ins are so important. We need to spend time on relationships. Good relationships don’t just happen. It’s like a garden—you need to water it to grow. It takes time. It takes effort. It takes commitment. And it doesn’t always have to be hard. But it takes time. And these meetings, these once-a-week, hourly meetings, can go a long way in improving your relationship, maintaining connection, and getting you the relationship that you want and deserve.