Couples come to me for many reasons, and one of the most common is ”we cannot communicate”. People often think communication problems are about the words, the timing or the style. Sometimes that is true, but often it comes down to something simpler and more human. It comes down to how hard it is to sit with discomfort.
Some people cannot sit with certain feelings. Things like disappointment, fear of getting it wrong or the sense that they have let someone down. When those feelings show up their body reacts before their mind has even caught up. They shut down. They avoid the conversation. It is not because they do not care. It is because the feeling in their body is so uncomfortable that escaping feels easier. Avoiding the conversation is a way to stop the discomfort for a moment, even if it creates a bigger problem later.
I think about this a lot in my work with couples, and it always reminds me of what happened when I started running again after my knee surgery. The second my legs hurt or my breathing got uncomfortable my mind wanted me to stop. I wanted to avoid the discomfort even though running was good for me and even though the only way to get back to full strength was to keep going. My first instinct was to get away from the feeling in my body.
Communication works the same way. The moment emotional discomfort shows up people want to get away from it. They walk out of the room. They shut down. They change the topic. They talk over each other or retreat into silence. Every one of those reactions makes sense when you consider what the body is trying to avoid.
But just like running, tolerance builds with small regular practice. Short distances. Slow pace. Showing up again even when it feels uncomfortable. With communication it looks like staying in the conversation for a few seconds longer than usual. Naming the feeling instead of avoiding it. Taking a breath before walking off. These sound like tiny things, but they change the emotional environment between two people.
These small moments matter. They help couples stay present long enough to actually hear each other. When someone can stay in the moment instead of shutting down, something softens. There is room for understanding. There is space to repair. That is where communication starts to shift. Not through big dramatic conversations, but through tiny moments of staying instead of escaping.
Many couples come to therapy thinking they need a new script or a fresh set of communication rules. Sometimes that helps, but what changes things most is learning to tolerate a little discomfort. Learning to breathe through the urge to walk away. Learning to recognise that the discomfort is not danger. It is simply a feeling that will pass.
If communication feels hard in your relationship right now you are not alone. It is not a sign that you are broken or that your relationship is doomed. It is a sign that you are human, and that your body is doing what bodies do. With practice, patience and a few small moments of staying, things can shift in ways that feel more connected and less reactive. This is the work I see couples do every day, and it starts with noticing the moment discomfort shows up and choosing to stay just a little longer.