[00:00:00] Marie Vakakis: You tell yourself things will change. In high school, you have hope that it’ll get better. New friends, fresh start, it’s going to be okay, but then the holidays roll around or perhaps a long weekend and your child doesn’t have anyone to hang out with. They spend most of their days alone. Still feeling flat and maybe saying things like, there’s just no one to hang out with, or being silent altogether.

[00:00:22] Marie Vakakis: And you start to wonder, was it supposed to be like this? Are we doing something wrong? Am I doing something wrong? Are they doing something wrong? How can I help? What am I supposed to do

[00:00:31] Marie Vakakis: Today I am going to unpack a listener question, a message I got from a parent whose daughter is struggling to make friends in high school. I’ll talk about what loneliness can look like in teens. Why pushing activities on them often backfires and leaves you feeling like the bad guy.

[00:00:45] Marie Vakakis: And what it really means to support a young person without trying to fix it. Because support isn’t always about doing more Sometimes it’s about doing less, but being there anyway, I.

[00:00:53] Marie Vakakis: welcome to this complex life. Let’s talk about the messy side of teen friendship and why a fresh start doesn’t always fix [00:01:00] everything.

[00:01:00] Marie Vakakis: So today’s listener question. Hi Marie. My daughter has trouble making friends. We really pinned all our hopes and things changing when she started high school this year, but has come around to the school holidays again and she’s feeling sad and lonely. I don’t how best to support her.

[00:01:16] Marie Vakakis: Should I fill her days with activities that I think might be fun? I know she probably doesn’t want to spend every day with an adult, but I don’t want to leave her in front of a screen all the time as I can see what it’s doing to her mental health. I currently work in a school, so I also have holidays off work.

[00:01:34] Marie Vakakis: I can really sense the challenge that this parent is facing. On one hand, it’s trying to facilitate activities that might encourage their child. To make friends or create environments to make that possible. And the other side is the use of technology and what to do when your child maybe would like to do something else but doesn’t have those opportunities, doesn’t have the connection with their [00:02:00] peers.

[00:02:00] Marie Vakakis: And so spends increasingly more and more time on devices, on technology, maybe watching TV further isolating themselves. So there’s a couple of really difficult things to grapple with for this parent. For some teens, high school is a bit of a fix. It can be a chance to make new friends, find your people, find your community.

[00:02:24] Marie Vakakis: For some, I know there are some that I’ve worked with that doesn’t happen until they leave high school. They find a group of friends outside of school and that becomes their community and high school’s just something they felt they had to survive, which is actually. It’s really sad. I really feel for those people to go through most of your high school years without having close friends and feeling different or odd.

[00:02:48] Marie Vakakis: It can leave lifelong wounds on us as adults. for some who feel left out, anxious or awkward or unaware of, of what to say or do. [00:03:00] If that’s something that’s been a part of them. If they’ve struggled making friends or with social skills or their confidence, that follows them into another context.

[00:03:10] Marie Vakakis: The new, the skills don’t just magically appear if they weren’t there to begin with. So that’s one part of this is sometimes we can recreate the same patterns because. W we bring with us those things, and it’s hard. I mean, as a child, as a kid, how are you supposed to learn some of those things? It can be really difficult to learn how to make friends, and if you feel rejected and then you are less likely to try the next time, and then.

[00:03:36] Marie Vakakis: That becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And same with social anxiety. I’ve worked with some people where they get anxious that they want to be invited to somewhere, so they might show up, but they stand kind of hidden in the corner. Maybe not making eye contact, maybe nervously kind of fidgeting. And people see that and it doesn’t maybe feel very warm or inviting.

[00:03:56] Marie Vakakis: Maybe they’ve even got their head down and they’re hiding away, [00:04:00] and so they appear less approachable, and so people are less likely to come to them and start a conversation, which further exacerbates the anxiety further. Increases those same behaviors of maybe now I’m not gonna even go, or I’m gonna sit somewhere even further away so no one notices me.

[00:04:16] Marie Vakakis: But then because I’m sitting further away because my body language is changing, because I’m maybe even physically kind of hunched and curled in and my head’s down. I’m not very approachable. And so that can be a self-fulfilling prophecy or a a cycle that keeps going and going and can be really hard to break without some support.

[00:04:38] Marie Vakakis: But on the other hand, if you’ve got someone saying, just go, just go talk to that person. Just go do this, go do that. That pressure can feel so overwhelming that then you might avoid the situation altogether. ’cause now you’ve got the extra pressure of not wanting to let someone down or feeling like you’re not feeling heard or understood.

[00:04:56] Marie Vakakis: And that can create another set of challenges there. So [00:05:00] social challenges often stem from how confident or not a young person feels, not the environment around them. There are exceptions to this. For some people, the confidence to handle situations, to have conversation, it comes from within them. And for some of the kids that struggle with school, with making friends at school. I’ve seen some who really struggle with communication across the board.

[00:05:26] Marie Vakakis: They even struggle to talk to me. They might struggle to run into Coles and grab some milk, uh, or bread and without, you know, they’d go straight to the self-serve checkout because they, they don’t want to even have to make eye contact or talk to someone, a stranger. They really struggle with that. And then I’ve seen others who struggle with.

[00:05:44] Marie Vakakis: Their peers and people their age and are an absolute delight with adults or with little kids. They have this empathy and tenderness and ability to play and connect with younger kids and have these really beautiful, rich conversations [00:06:00] with adults, but seem to struggle. With people their own age. And so there’s a variety of different ways that this can present itself, that can help us determine what’s actually happening.

[00:06:10] Marie Vakakis: Is it an anxiety, is it a, an awkwardness? Is there possible neurodivergence? ? And we need to explore, you know, support for the environment to allow them to communicate in a way that feels respected and honored and helpful. And not the young person communicate that way, but changing the environment, understanding how that presents itself, what their brain does.

[00:06:36] Marie Vakakis: So how do we create an environment that allows them to thrive rather than trying to change them to fit the environment?

[00:06:42] Marie Vakakis: Going back to the parents’ concerns. It, it’s really hard. It can create so much anxiety and stress for parents, and I can see these conversations unfolding where the young person maybe comes home from school, they get off the bus, they walk in, and the parents are eagerly sort of, how was your day? Did you, did you make any friends?

[00:06:59] Marie Vakakis: Did you talk [00:07:00] to anybody? How about that girl that you said was was nice in chemistry? Did you speak to her and

[00:07:04] Marie Vakakis: can feel. So invested in this journey

[00:07:07] Marie Vakakis: and sometimes the weight of that hope can create some really heavy expectations, even if you don’t necessarily explicitly articulate that, it can create unspoken pressure. And it can leave kids feeling like now I’m letting my parents down as well as struggling to make friends.

[00:07:31] Marie Vakakis: That pressure, even when it’s subtle, can make people feel like they’re letting someone down or they’re failing or they’re falling short, and that can be. Really hard. Really hard for the child, and really hard for the parents.

[00:07:49] Marie Vakakis: So what do you do? A more helpful way is to notice where things are at now. Accepting where they’re at now. Maybe even vocalising that acknowledging [00:08:00] this, this is really hard. Don’t try to fix it. Definitely don’t say things like, when I was your age, I, I think you should do this. Unsolicited advice is guaranteed to shut down the conversation.

[00:08:13] Marie Vakakis: They don’t want solutions. They don’t want the problem fixed. Whenever I hear families do that, I hear the young person say, they’re not listening to me. I don’t feel heard, or they shut down completely because they’re like, well. I’ve thought of that. If that was that easy, I would’ve done that. Well, do you think I’m stupid?

[00:08:31] Marie Vakakis: And so they shut down and you lose that connection. So now school is difficult, potentially difficult. They might still enjoy school, but feel lonely. And now home is difficult. And it’s exacerbating the feelings of loneliness because the people who are my foundation or my, my safe place are adding to my distress.

[00:08:54] Marie Vakakis: So now where do I go that I can be me and I can be accepted, and I can be loved and feel worthy.

[00:08:59] Marie Vakakis: It [00:09:00] is worth trying to figure out the difference between loneliness and solitude. Some teens, some humans genuinely enjoy alone time. They’ll hang out with people and then maybe come a Saturday. They are quite happy, especially, you know, thinking it’s winter rugged up hanging out with the dog or cat watching some tv, doing a puzzle.

[00:09:21] Marie Vakakis: They actually quite enjoy the solitude and have. The capacity and the skills to connect with friends when they want to and need to. That’s very different to someone who wants to and feels lonely. Some people can feel lonely in friendships. They might not feel like they quite fit in. They might not have the kinds of depth of conversation that they’re hoping for.

[00:09:43] Marie Vakakis: So loneliness can pop up in a number of ways, but there is a difference for those who are quite content with solitude and those who. Would like friends, and there’s this bit in the middle where some people are so worried about the rejection. They have so much [00:10:00] anxiety. About talking to people that the avoidance of that feels comforting and reassuring.

[00:10:06] Marie Vakakis: That’s very different to needing downtime and liking some solitude and quiet time because it’s the avoidance and the relief of Whew. Okay? So I didn’t have to put myself out there. I didn’t have to try, I didn’t have to get rejected. I didn’t have to have that con conversation with someone and not know what to say next.

[00:10:23] Marie Vakakis: And I’m gonna say the wrong thing, I’m gonna do the wrong thing. Or they don’t think I’m funny, or if I make a joke, no one’s gonna listen. Avoiding all of that can create some relief, but that’s a false sense of comfort. Well, it’s avoiding discomfort, but it’s not the same as enjoying some quiet time and solitude.

[00:10:39] Marie Vakakis: So instead of assuming it’s probably a good idea to ask them. Do you like having quiet time or do you wish things felt a bit different lately? Offering that as an option to start a conversation can be really helpful. We want to be curious. We don’t want to say, I listen to this podcast and I think you’re avoiding sociali We want to [00:11:00] say, I’ve noticed you’re spending more time on your own lately. Is that something that you enjoy or do you wish that maybe things were a little bit different? What’s that like for you? Asking those questions can be a gentle way to open up the conversation and resist the urge to try and fix it.

[00:11:22] Marie Vakakis: Teens very rarely will say, I feel lonely. They might talk about things like being bored, being left out, or tired of always being by themselves, but they might not say lonely. So we’re trying to clue Inc. Like. Got to tune in, tuning into the words that they’re using and see what’s the meaning behind that.

[00:11:40] Marie Vakakis: So I don’t have anyone to hang out with. I’m kind of bored or I just sit by myself in the library. They might not say the feeling, I feel lonely.

[00:11:48] Marie Vakakis: So what do we do when.

[00:11:50] Marie Vakakis: Screen time might actually be meeting a need. It might be serving a function. So how do we respond to this with curiosity and without [00:12:00] shame? Screens often act as a form of relief for everybody. We have a huge, huge, huge problem. I see this with families quarreling over their child’s tech use. I see this with couples telling their partner to get off their phone.

[00:12:13] Marie Vakakis: You’re always on your device. You’re not paying attention. I’ve seen commercials where people are glued to their phone and missing life happening around them. This is a big, big problem across the board, so. , What do we do for a young person? How do we support them to sit with and tolerate boredom and discomfort and not go to the immediate or instant gratification or distraction of a device?

[00:12:38] Marie Vakakis: Because a device it can offer things. It is structured. There could be games that you’re playing, levels that you work towards. There could be a sense of accomplishment and achievement. It is reliable and they’re always there. You could be bored for 30 seconds on the bus, pull out your phone and entertain yourself.

[00:12:53] Marie Vakakis: You could spend an entire international flight just scrolling through things, watching videos, entertaining [00:13:00] yourself. I. It can offer connection, false connection for some people, but it can offer a chance to read things that other people have, have written, comment on things, be in small groups, be in chat where there are other like-minded people, and that can feel really connecting and it serves as a really good, easy distraction.

[00:13:17] Marie Vakakis: I’m bored. I’ll get on these. I don’t like what that person’s saying. I’ll tune into this. And sometimes it happens so quickly you don’t even realise it. So we have to acknowledge that it’s an easy and accepted and culturally normalised thing to do. Pick up a phone, pick up a device, spend hours on an iPad, laptop, phone, removing screens.

[00:13:37] Marie Vakakis: Without offering alternatives can feel really abrupt and disconnecting, especially if they’re playing multiplayer games and it’s just like, yeah, Internet’s being cut off. It’s sort of like walking out onto the middle of the soccer pitch and grabbing your midfielder child out and saying it’s time to go home.

[00:13:56] Marie Vakakis: And in front of all their teammates physically grabbing [00:14:00] them and walking them off the soccer pitch. That what is what it can feel like for some kids who are connecting through online gaming? It doesn’t mean you don’t have boundaries. It doesn’t mean you don’t have rules and curfews and all those sorts of things, we want to be tactful with how that is done so that we don’t further embarrass, humiliate, or shame and rupture the connection between parent and child where they, again, don’t feel supported, connected.

[00:14:25] Marie Vakakis: No one gets them. They feel isolated everywhere they go. So instead of trying, instead of jumping straight to limits, try asking, what do you like about this? Or what helps you feel better when you’re watching or playing X, Y, Z? Maybe even ask, can you show me? Can we watch some of it together? So showing an interest in what they’re interested in.

[00:14:46] Marie Vakakis: Maybe you wish they were interested in science, or they were interested in the outdoors, or they liked making things, or doing art, or interested in studying. Maybe you wish that they were interested in all these things, or a hobby or [00:15:00] interest that you have. But they might not be. And so meeting them where they’re at is really, really important here.

[00:15:06] Marie Vakakis: One, it shows curiosity. One, it shows, I see you, you matter. I want to be a part of your world. And then we’re starting to understand what the function is of the engagement in that activity, what they like about it, what’s hard about it, what do they enjoy? Do they wish it was different? Do they do it on their own?

[00:15:26] Marie Vakakis: What have they learned? What have they liked? What’s the best thing that they’ve seen? What’s the funniest thing? So trying to really understand and ask questions. A lot of young people that I’ve worked with connect with certain characters. So if they’re watching anime or they’re, , playing games that are quite long in their quest, they might have a particular character that they’re identifying with.

[00:15:47] Marie Vakakis: So that can sometimes give us clues into how they feel about themselves or what they’re hoping for. So it could be like, who’s your favorite character? What do you like about them? Just understanding that a bit more. Can I see a photo? Can I see a [00:16:00] video? Can you show me a clip? what’s like for you to, to watch that show or play that character?

[00:16:03] Marie Vakakis: So being really, really curious in asking lots of open-ended questions. Open-ended questions are things that don’t have a yes or no answer. It’s inviting dialogue rather than, is that the character? That’s a yes or no question. Do you like them? That’s a yes or no. What do you like about them? Tell me more about that character.

[00:16:26] Marie Vakakis: They’re open-ended questions, so that’s something that we can start with there as well.

[00:16:30] Marie Vakakis: When adults respond with curiosity rather than criticism, you get a very different conversation, and it might take a few. I mean, if this has been the pattern in your dynamic for weeks, months, years, maybe it’s not gonna change overnight. They’re gonna be looking at you like, what have you done with my parents?

[00:16:46] Marie Vakakis: What’s going on here? Something’s different. I’m not sure what this is, so there might be a little bit of hesitation at something new, so we want to sprinkle it in. Don’t go in. All guns are blazing really intense. [00:17:00] Try a few of these techniques. Try a few of these sentence starters or these questions and see how you go. sometimes pushing certain activities can seriously backfire. When someone we care about is struggling, it can be our instinct to want to fix them, help them make suggestions. , Child parent teen. This happens everywhere. We see someone struggling with their job and it’s like, have you tried seek?

[00:17:20] Marie Vakakis: We might start sending them job ads. Have you tried this? Have you done that? Have you done your resume? I can look over your cover letter. we want to offer solutions and try and fix it and take away the distress, but that’s not always helpful and often leads to them shutting down.

[00:17:33] Marie Vakakis: So why So pushing, pushing some activities, even if they are really fun and really great ideas, can really backfire on you. And let me tell you why.

[00:17:42] Marie Vakakis: One, when someone feels sad, flat, anxious. Offering too many suggestions can actually feel overwhelming and can exacerbate those feelings of, of overwhelming anxiety. So saying, what about this? What about this? What about this can just be just too much for them? And that can feel [00:18:00] overwhelming when you say things like, why don’t you, have you tried that?

[00:18:06] Marie Vakakis: That can unintentionally sound like you are not trying hard enough. You haven’t thought of everything, I’m thought of something that you haven’t, they might leave those conversations feeling stupid, uncared for incompetent and say, yeah, I failed at everything. Even my parents think I can’t do this. So even if that’s not your intention, that’s how it can come across.

[00:18:28] Marie Vakakis: Instead of trying to fill the calendar with activities, you could invite them to. Do something with you young kids, especially, you know, those ear earlier years of high school, they, they have a very different relationship with their parents. There is an opportunity there to do things with them. Just Simply saying things like, just get off your device, or, when I was your age, I had to entertain myself making comments like that. It’s like throwing someone in a ocean who doesn’t know how to swim and just saying, don’t drown, [00:19:00] but just don’t drown. Or You need to swim. Come on. You need to swim. I’ve told you you need to swim.

[00:19:05] Marie Vakakis: We need to teach somebody. How to swim, not just say don’t drown. And so if we want someone to sit with the discomfort of boredom, we need to build that muscle.

[00:19:18] Marie Vakakis: If we want to build up the capacity to find things to do, we might need to show them what’s available and try things A few times, whenever we try something maybe new. It’s not, might not be enjoyable until we have a sense of mastery over it. So if you’re trying to paint and you’re like, I can’t even mix the colors.

[00:19:37] Marie Vakakis: I dunno what to do, you know, I’m not gonna do this, this is crap. But you might need to go to several art classes before you start finding enjoyment in. It can be the same with cooking, with learning a new language, trying something new. And sucking at it can be really, really hard and it doesn’t make it enjoyable.

[00:19:55] Marie Vakakis: So we want to find ways maybe to do things together, show some of [00:20:00] that vulnerability yourself of it can be hard to learn something new and see where that takes you. . Offering suggestions like, I’ve also got the day off and I’d like to do something low key together. Have you got any ideas? And if they say no, then maybe you can say, here are two or three that I thought we could do.

[00:20:20] Marie Vakakis: Do any of them interest you? So it’s, it’s instead of it coming across as you should do this, you should do that. Maybe also part of it is I also have the day off and I’d like to connect and then allowing downtime for binge watching something vegging on the couch, maybe do some of those things together.

[00:20:39] Marie Vakakis: Shared problem solving builds trust. So when I work with parents, we talk about the steps of emotion coaching, and that involves first, noticing, naming the feeling, validating that, so no one invited you out for, you know, to a party for the long weekend. That sounds really hard.

[00:20:58] Marie Vakakis: I wonder if you feel a bit lonely [00:21:00] or rejected.

[00:21:00] Marie Vakakis: What would you like to do instead? Or, I’ve got some ideas of what we can do. You know, it’s inviting questions, curiosity, and then at the end, maybe with permission. Problem solving together. What do you think we could do? What advice would you give a friend if your little sister was struggling with this, what might you tell her?

[00:21:24] Marie Vakakis: Giving them a chance to shine because there’s a good chance they have thought of a lot of things and they’ve tried a lot of things, and some of that might be completely unknown to their parents.

So the last bit I want to talk about here is in order to do some of this, as a parent, it’s really important to try and ground yourself first. To give them space while still showing up, emotionally turning the dial on the pressure and being present without pushing can sometimes be one of the most supportive things that you can do.

[00:21:52] Marie Vakakis: Sometimes, sometimes well-meaning, encouragement, and nudging. Like, go on, just go over there. Why don’t you talk to them? [00:22:00] Can really backfire. And I’ve had, I’ve had a beautiful family where this was happening, the parents would go to, uh, events like. I dunno, the, the Lifesaving Club, surf Lifesaving Club might have a barbecue and that young person and family were involved in the club and there’d be another person of the same age and the mum would be like, go on, go talk to her.

[00:22:21] Marie Vakakis: She’s around your age. Go see what she’s doing. And that nudge, that pressure just meant that she started to have then avoid those events altogether or would shut down even more and feel like, well now I can’t talk to my mum about anything and I can see that she’s disappointed in me. And so that can really, that can really add up and we don’t want to be offering those little muments like that,

[00:22:45] Marie Vakakis: too much of that nudging, too much of those hints and clues, especially if they are uninvited and you can see if their body language kind of shifts, if they don’t, if they lose eye contact with you, if they kind of hunch over. It’s not landing [00:23:00] for them in the way that maybe you hope over time, that can lead to further withdrawal from you and from from people.

[00:23:06] Marie Vakakis: ’cause then it feels like conflict. If they feel like someone’s watching them, judging them, observing them, I. It’s going to really increase that anxiety if someone’s sitting there watching and being like, oh, are they talking to that person? Is that person, how’s it going? Is it going okay? Have they made a friend?

[00:23:19] Marie Vakakis: Have they swapped numbers? Oh my God, are they laughing or they’re not laughing? Or, what have they done? Why are they fiddling with that thing? And, and that observation. They can feel that, and that creates so much pressure. No one likes to feel observed like that. I know if I was being observer of that, I’d probably just trip over my own feet, you know, that kind of keen observation.

[00:23:36] Marie Vakakis: It just, it does not help. So we want to create space.

[00:23:39] Marie Vakakis: emotional availability looks like staying close but quiet. Offering connection in muments that they need and that matter,

[00:23:48] Marie Vakakis: and trusting that even small muments of being there, showing up of emotion coaching of. Naming the feeling and letting it sit. Those things matter too. We want to make sure that the relationship between [00:24:00] the parent and child stays intact through this.

[00:24:02] Marie Vakakis: Give them a breather. Offer. Calm presence, not performance expectations. Try collaborative check-ins. What have you already tried? What do you think might help next? Would it help if we worked through some of these ideas together?

[00:24:15] Marie Vakakis: Support isn’t about solving the problem. It’s about helping them feel less alone while they figure it out.

[00:24:21] Marie Vakakis: So if your teen is feeling lonely right now. You are not failing them. I’m sure you’ve tried everything you can and this might be an ongoing process, and if you’re not sure what to do next, that’s okay too. You don’t need to have all the answers, just keep showing up in small, steady ways. That’s what helps ’em feel safe to put themselves out there and figure it out at their own pace.

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