If you keep having the same fight in your relationship, here’s the uncomfortable truth. You probably aren’t bad at talking or communicating. You could be bad at understanding what you’re bringing into the conversation, and it’s quietly destroying your relationship.
Most couples I see in couples therapy are not fighting because they are bad people. Their point of view isn’t that crazy or ‘wrong’. I’m not there to pick sides and referee an argument. It’s not up to me to say whether they should send their kid to private school, or how many hours a week of gaming is ok, or if it really is unreasonable to spend Christmas with their in-laws interstate.
The content isn’t as important as it may seem. They are often fighting because something keeps landing badly, over and over again, and each time it does, their partner’s reaction gets stronger, and they dig their heels in even more. Eventually both feel stuck and disconnected,
The fight might seem to be about money, dishes, sex, parenting, screen time, or who forgot to do the thing they promised they would do. It might start small and then suddenly feel massive, like you are no longer arguing about the issue in front of you but about everything that has ever gone wrong. People often say things like “we have talked about this a hundred times” or “why does this always turn into a fight” or “I don’t even know what we are arguing about anymore”. It would be funny if it didn’t hurt so much.
That confusion is usually the clue.It usually tells you that the fight is no longer about the topic on the table. If it were, talking it through would help. The fact that it does not help is the clue that something else is driving the reaction.
Confusion shows up when the logic of the argument no longer matches the emotional intensity of it. When the reaction feels bigger than the issue. When the same conversation keeps looping even though both people feel like they are trying.
As I was preparing my What’s This Really About? Understanding the Fight Beneath the Fight guide, I reflected on some common themes I see as a couples therapist.
Mike * and Mia* came to see me because they kept fighting about kindergarten. They thought they were good at communicating, turns out not so much.
He was sick of fighting, he just wanted this the be ‘easy’ and not have so much ‘drama’. TBH I cringe when I hear this. It belittles women’s emotions into ‘drama’ rather than understanding what’s happening.
On the surface, it sounded simple. Which kindergarten do we send our son to?
Mia wanted to talk through the options together. She wanted to think out loud, compare schools, name what she was worried about, and work out what felt right. Mike kept saying, calmly and earnestly, “I’ll support you, whatever you decide,” or at times added ‘’just don’t worry about it!’’ like it never occurred to her that that’s what she needed to do, just stop worrying! How insightful.
Mike thought he was being supportive and helpful. Mia, well, she was furious, sad and felt alone.
Every time the topic came up, she felt herself getting tighter in the chest and sharper in her tone. He felt more confused and more defensive, because from his perspective, he was doing exactly what a good partner should do. He trusted her. He believed in her. He did not want to interfere or pressure her. He could not understand why she kept pushing the conversation when he had already made it clear that he was on her side.
From Mia’s side, it felt awful.
She was not asking him to decide for her. She was not looking for permission or approval. She was asking him to be in it with her. To sit in the uncertainty, to share the decision-making. To toss ideas around and to hear her worries, even the ones that felt silly or overblown. To say something that showed interest, curiosity, or investment. Leaving it to her also made her feel like those women she had never wanted to be, the one who makes all the choices, all the decisions and the dad, indifferent and absent. Afterall it was his son too!
Every time he stepped back, she felt more alone with the weight of it. Every time she pushed harder, he pulled further away. From there, everything spiralled, little things sparked more fights, he felt unappreciated, she felt unappreciated, they stopped cuddling, stopped having sex and everything felt like walking on eggshells.
They were not really fighting about kindergarten. What this was really about was care, closeness and the patriarchy.
Good communication is not just saying something clearly or kindly. It requires insight into your own position, your assumptions, your fears, and the meaning you are attaching to the situation. Without that awareness, people can speak calmly, politely, and with good intentions, and still completely miss each other. Which sucks, doesn’t it? You can try hard, have the right tone, mean well and still, well, fuck it up.
In Mike and Mia’s example, Mike was communicating, but he was not communicating with awareness. He did not understand that what he was bringing into the conversation was distance, even though his intention was support. He didn’t see how his pulling away impacted her. Mia was communicating too, but without realising that her push was a protest for closeness, not a demand for control. She couldn’t articulate her needs and couldn’t see what impact it was having. Both were talking. Neither was actually understanding the impact of what they were bringing into the interaction.
This is the part many couples miss and where they get stuck. They stay focused on the topic of the argument and never stop to ask what is actually getting stirred up underneath, what it is really about?
One person might be reacting to feeling left out, disregarded, or unimportant. Another might be reacting to feeling criticised, overwhelmed, or like nothing they do is ever enough. Maybe they feel stupid or judged. Another might be reacting to feeling taken for granted, feeling unappreciated or unrecognised for the work they carry every day.
When you are in the middle of it, none of this feels calm or reflective. It feels heated and tense. It feels personal and sometimes a little irrational. It feels like what you are saying and needing is so clear and so obvious, and you can’t understand why you are not being heard, respected, or chosen.
If you pause for a moment and think about your own fights ,I have a few questions I’d like you to consider.
- What situations tend to trigger your strongest reactions?
- What emotion shows up first when an argument starts? Is it anger, hurt, panic, frustration, or something else entirely?
- What do you feel you are protecting in that moment, even if you have never put words to it before?
These reactions rarely come out of nowhere, even when they seem that way. They are shaped by past experiences, your attachment style, by how conflict was handled in your family, by what you learned about closeness, responsibility, and safety in relationships. Some people learned to push harder when they felt disconnected,to fight to get their voice heard and needs met. Others learned to go quiet or step back to keep the peace or not rock the boat. Both make sense, they’re adaptive. As adults in grown-up relationships, these survival strategies can collide, badly.
Over time, couples fall into a familiar dance or pattern. One person pursues the issue, wanting to talk it through, fix it, or feel closer. The other withdraws, shuts down, or tries to smooth things over. Sometimes both escalate. Sometimes both shut down or storm off. The topic changes, but the pattern stays the same, and the fight starts to feel inevitable.
This is where people often start to lose hope, sometimes stopping talking altogether or talking but it feels like walking on egg shells.
Repeated conflict rarely ends a relationship in one dramatic blow. More often, it wears things down quietly. People stop raising things because it feels pointless. They make assumptions like like ‘he’s just selfish’ or ‘she is just so critical’, ‘she doesn’t care about me’, ‘he thinks I’m a failure’ instead of checking them. They start to feel more like housemates or co workers than partners. Distance and loneliness creeps, slowly and subtly, in while life keeps moving.
Understanding what the fight is really about does not mean you suddenly agree or stop having differences. It means the conflict starts to make sense in a new way. It gives you more choice about how you respond, how quickly you repair, and how you protect the relationship when things feel tense. So you can have the connection you want.
For some people, simply seeing the pattern clearly creates enough space to do things differently. For others, especially when these dynamics are deeply ingrained, change takes more support and practice.
Conflict is not a sign that love is broken. Often, it is a signal that something important needs attention.
Sometimes the most powerful shift comes from asking a different question.
What is this really about?
* Mike and Mia are not actual clients. Their names and details are changed, and the story reflects common patterns that show up in couples work rather than any one couple’s experience.
Good communication requires more than good intentions. It requires understanding what you bring into a conversation and how that is experienced by the other person.
If you pause for a moment and think about your own fights ,I have a few questions I’d like you to consider.
What situations tend to trigger your strongest reactions?
What emotion shows up first when an argument starts? Is it anger, hurt, panic, frustration, or something else entirely?
What do you feel you are protecting in that moment, even if you have never put words to it before?
’Just don’t worry about it!’’ like it never occurred to her that that’s what she needed to do, just stop worrying! How insightful.