[0:00]

Marie

Why does my partner get so defensive when I try to talk?

Have you ever been in a conversation with your partner and suddenly, almost out of nowhere, they get defensive? It can be so frustrating and really isolating. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells, never knowing what might trigger that response, and you might even start to feel attacked when that wasn’t your intention at all.

What’s going on with them when they get defensive? What does it say about you? It can shut down productive communication and leave you both feeling stuck. It’s especially challenging when you’re just trying to have a normal conversation and their defensiveness takes over. You start wondering: am I the one to blame? Am I getting this wrong? Are they being too sensitive?

The truth is defensiveness is usually part of a deeper issue. Sometimes it can be how you start the conversation, and sometimes it has nothing to do with you at all. When your partner becomes defensive it can be really hard not to take it personally, and understanding what drives it can help you navigate those situations.

[1:30]

Marie

As a couples therapist I see this a lot. I’ve been on the receiving end of defensiveness myself, and I’ve probably caused some of it too. None of us are immune. It’s human, it’s normal, it makes sense. Today I want to break down what can sit underneath it: what I see in the couples I work with, some of the ways conversations go pear-shaped, and some of the ways you can bring them back.

I’m going to talk about what’s underneath defensiveness, including contempt and criticism. I’ll share a story about intention versus impact, and why some people are wired to hear an attack even when there isn’t one. And I’ll cover what actually helps when you’re on the receiving end of it.

[2:00]

Marie

Two of the things I talk about a lot in couples therapy are concepts from the Gottman approach. The four horsemen include contempt and criticism, and these two really stand out when we’re looking at defensiveness.

The Gottmans’ research has found that contempt in a relationship is one of the single biggest predictors of divorce or separation. It’s a very powerful dynamic and it can really erode things over time. When these patterns are present, defensiveness doesn’t come out of nowhere. It’s usually a reaction to how something was delivered.

[3:00]

Marie

There is a big difference between saying: I feel ignored when you’re on your phone and I’d love for us to spend some time together, versus: you’re always on your phone and you’re ignoring me.

The second one is going to come across as criticism. Or consider: you’re so careless and inconsiderate, you ignore me all the time. That person is going to feel attacked and they’ll respond with defensiveness. They’ll share all the times they haven’t done that, or all the ways they have shown love, or point out the times you’ve done the same thing. Because the way the conversation started was with criticism or contempt.

When we use those as starting points, it’s not a surprise that we get defensiveness in return.

Criticism attacks the person. Things like you never listen to me, you’re always so forgetful, it’s like I don’t even matter to you: these land very differently from I feel unheard right now, I feel disconnected from you, I feel lonely and I’d like to spend more time together. When we frame something as a personal flaw or a character flaw, as a you always or you never, that lands as criticism. It makes total sense that the other person takes it as an attack and responds with defensiveness.

I see this in sessions all the time. I’ll ask someone to show me how they said something to their partner and they’ll say: I told them how I felt. Then I ask them to show me, and they say something like: you never clean the kitchen.

The delivery of how we talk about our feelings and what we need can land very critically when we use you never or you always. When I’m working with someone on this, they might have to rephrase it several times before it comes across in a way their partner can actually hear without getting defensive.

[4:30]

Marie

Have a think about how you’re phrasing things. If you’re starting with you never or you always, or picking out a character flaw, that’s not going to help. Try starting with how you feel. I felt or I feel unheard, I feel lonely, I feel disconnected, I feel unappreciated when, and then name the situation. And then name what you need: some quality time together, the house tidied up before I arrive, a plan for meal prepping for the week. Be clear and specific.

They might still get defensive, and I’ll talk about some of the reasons why in a moment. But how you start the conversation, what the Gottmans call a gentle startup, can really change the direction of things.

And then there’s contempt, which goes one step further. That’s sarcasm, an eye roll, a tone that says I’m better than you right now. As I mentioned, this is one of the biggest predictors of relationship breakdown because it communicates not just disagreement but disrespect.

You can say the same thing and your facial expression and tone can shift it from contempt to genuine concern. Even something that’s supposed to sound like empathy, like that sounds really hard for you, can become contemptuous with an eye roll. We really want to watch for that. If contempt is present in a relationship without any shift or support, it’s not going in a good direction.

[6:00]

Marie

Sometimes two people have no idea what they’re even fighting about. One person thinks they’re just sharing information. The other heard an attack. Sometimes it’s interpretation versus intention. Sometimes it’s how the conversation started and the words that were chosen.

It’s tricky, because none of us were role modelled this. Most of us didn’t see our parents communicate this way. Even in romantic comedies and sitcoms, the conversations between people were sometimes genuinely terrible. We weren’t shown healthy communication, so this can feel really foreign. Even trying to accept that we might need to do something different can activate a defensive response in people, because they feel like their way of doing things is being questioned.

So even this episode might get someone a little bit defensive, because it’s asking them to consider doing something differently.

[6:30]

Marie

I want to share an example about intention, impact and interpretation.

You’re doing the groceries, you’ve got a trolley, you’re going through your list, and you accidentally run over your partner’s toe. It was an accident. You apologise and move on.

You can both choose how to respond in that moment. If the person whose toe was run over interprets it as an accident, they might say that really hurt, laugh it off, and move on. If they believe it was deliberate, they’re furious, say something sharp, and you end up having a fight in the supermarket.

There’s the interpretation of it. The impact is that it still hurt, regardless of the intent. And it’s not enough for the person pushing the trolley to say: well, I didn’t mean it. What are you getting upset about? Because regardless of your intention, it hurt them. Maybe you were swerving around a kid who was having a meltdown. Maybe you were reaching for something on your list. It doesn’t matter. It hurt. That requires some compassion.

If you run straight to defensiveness, well I didn’t mean it, it’s not my fault, you’ve missed it.

[9:00]

Marie

Interpretation is an extra layer on top of intention and impact. If the person whose toe was run over believes that life is fundamentally unfair to them, they might interpret a simple accident as: oh my god, only bad things ever happen to me. Why can’t I even go to the supermarket without something awful happening? And they might catastrophise from there.

Or the person pushing the trolley might think: I’ve done something wrong again. I can’t get anything right. What’s wrong with me? I can’t even do the groceries without causing pain.

The intention was just pushing the trolley. The impact was running over someone’s toe. The interpretation is all of the beliefs and stories sitting behind those two things.

How you respond in that situation is really telling. Sometimes it’s the same as how you respond at home. Sometimes it’s very different. And a useful question is: what would I do if it was a stranger? If I ran over a stranger’s toe, how would I respond? That gives you a clue about your default style.

[10:00]

Marie

The belief about intent is usually one of the first things going on underneath every hard conversation.

Fighting about intention is so common in my therapy room. Couples go back and forth: but I didn’t mean it, I don’t see why you should be upset. They’re so focused on getting their partner to understand that they didn’t intend to hurt them that they can’t hear anything else.

Sometimes we do have to acknowledge that intention doesn’t cancel out impact. Even in the day-to-day interactions where you genuinely didn’t mean to hurt someone’s feelings, they were still hurt. The supermarket trolley analogy holds: you might not have intended to run over their toe, but you did. It doesn’t matter that you were busy. It doesn’t matter that the trolley had a wobbly wheel. We still need to focus on what’s happening for the person on the receiving end.

People fight over and over again about this idea of but that wasn’t my intention, and then they get upset and defensive that their partner interpreted it that way, and the cycle goes round and round.

If you’re in that pattern, I get it. I’ve been there too. You can download my Conflict Workbook for some tips on navigating those difficult conversations. There’ll be a link in the show notes.

[11:30]

Marie

The impact is real even when the intention was good. I can’t stress that enough. You can hurt someone without meaning to and it still counts. They’re still hurting. Both those things can sit side by side.

What I often see is: why did you run over my toes? Well, I didn’t mean it. Well, now you’re saying my toe isn’t hurting. Why do you have to make everything about you? I’m in a rush, I always have to do the groceries. Then it turns into a fight because each person felt criticised or attacked. Before you know it they’ve had a big fight, left the supermarket, the toe is still hurting, and each person feels disconnected. Nothing got resolved.

[13:00]

Marie

Interpretation is something that doesn’t come up as much in the literature, but it’s where I think a lot of the damage really happens. This is when you react to the story you’ve told yourself, not to what was actually said or done.

Your partner might ask: what’s this? And they might be curious, not critical, but you might interpret it as: they think I’m messy and thoughtless, I can never do anything right, they’re always criticising me no matter what I do. Then you respond defensively to something that was actually neutral.

There’s something the Gottmans call negative sentiment override, which is when the general vibe of the relationship has shifted into a more negative culture. When you’re in that, you do interpret neutral things with more negativity. You miss the good things that are happening. This interpretation can be a deeper personal thing, related to your own beliefs or to trauma. It can also be a sign of the general health of the relationship.

[14:30]

Marie

The light bulb moment here, if there is a takeaway, is that interpretation while it feels so true is often our own story. If we don’t feel cared for, we will find evidence for that. If we don’t feel appreciated, we will also find evidence for that. If we don’t feel loved, we will find evidence for that. If we feel inadequate or insignificant, we will find evidence for that too. We can be looking for those things in places where they’re not there.

Interpretation can come from the health of the relationship, from childhood experiences, from past relationships, and from trauma. Some people need therapy or support to navigate that, and for others the shift happens through changing the conversation with their partner.

[16:00]

Marie

For some people, past trauma and negative experiences can lead to a default defensive response, due to fear of judgement, feeling attacked, or misinterpreting intentions. If your partner has been hurt in a past relationship, if their last relationship ended because of infidelity or aggression or violence, they might be more likely to become defensive when they feel criticised or don’t get the reassurance they need.

Similarly, if they’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed or flooded, they might be more prone to defensiveness. Other times defensiveness comes from feeling misunderstood or not heard or validated. If they feel like they’re not being listened to, defensiveness can become a way to protect themselves.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve encouraged someone to prioritise empathy and validation. Even if your intention wasn’t to be dismissive, being able to recognise that something hurt your partner and that their feelings are valid is such a huge relationship skill. Empathise, validate, and then we can move into solutions. If someone doesn’t feel validated and heard, that leads to defensiveness or shutdown.

[17:00]

Marie

Understanding where the defensiveness comes from can be a real lifesaver. If you recognise that it’s connected to your partner’s history and they’re sensitive to that, it can reduce some of the tension you might feel that it’s always your fault. It can help you come up with different ways to start tricky conversations.

If they’re getting defensive and you can regulate yourself enough, you can see it as a signal that they might not be okay. Behind the defensiveness they might be frightened or alone or anxious or overwhelmed.

It’s not ideal that someone responds to a comment with defensiveness, but understanding and empathising with both sides can really help. If you see your partner getting defensive and you have the capacity to pause and slow things down, asking are you okay, you seem really stressed right now, can be really helpful.

For the other person, recognising in the moment that something didn’t land quite right and asking: could you say that in a different way? can also shift things. Sometimes when I work with couples where there are different neuro types, we need to spell out what we mean. It could be: I need you to say that again with a bit more warmth. So they can really show they care for you in a way that actually lands.

[19:00]

Marie

So what do we do differently in the moment?

Use this as a starting point. Don’t passively aggressively forward this episode to your partner. Talk about it. Say: I heard something that showed me some things I could do better. Can I share it with you? Or: I’d like to talk about this. Is now a good time? You can talk about talking about it. It sounds like a mouthful but you don’t want to launch into these conversations when the other person isn’t expecting it and you’ve had a chance to think about it and they feel blindsided.

[20:00]

Marie

If you recognise that what you’ve said comes across as criticism, start using the I feel when construction. I feel really disconnected when you’re on your phone and we’re trying to have dinner together. I would like some quality time together, device-free. That lands so much better than you never make time for me, you’re always on your phone.

You don’t have to get it right every time. These small things can make a big difference.

Lead with curiosity instead of accusation. Help me understand what happened there is very different from why would you do that. I’m curious what informed your decision on that is different from why did you do that. Tone matters here too. You can take these sentence starters and deliver them with contempt and completely change their effect.

[21:30]

Marie

Catch your own interpretation. If you’re jumping to conclusions often across multiple contexts, that’s a clue that you have some old wounds that might need some exploring. Do you often feel that way? What’s sitting just below the surface? Is it a conversation you can have with your partner? Are you feeling inadequate at work and so when your partner says the house is messy, you’re already in a place where you feel like you’re failing? Maybe their request is completely reasonable and your interpretation is about how you’re feeling in other areas of your life.

[22:00]

Marie

If you’re the one who’s getting defensive and your partner isn’t sure how to do things differently, you can ask for something to be rephrased. It might look like: I know you probably didn’t mean it to sound hurtful, but that’s how it came across. Could you try saying it again? Or one of my favourites: the story my brain made up is that you think I’m inadequate. Could you try saying that a different way?

That gives you a way to manage the defensiveness and gives your partner a chance to share what they actually meant without it feeling like a criticism or an attack.

One of my own biggest triggers is when someone asks a question before providing context. If I’ve worked really hard on something and someone says why did you do that, it almost always sounds critical to me, even when they’re genuinely curious. If they said that looks really great, why did you choose that approach, I hear it completely differently. I know that about myself, and I get to communicate it and be mindful of it. It doesn’t always work, and sometimes I still get defensive and it causes a fight. We all have things that activate us.

[23:30]

Marie

Some people have triggers that are based in trauma history. Some people just have sensitivities. Sometimes we’re stressed, tired, hungry, overwhelmed, all of these things, because we’re human and being human is hard and messy and complicated. There’s no perfect rule book for this.

There are things we know are unhelpful in conflict and communication, and things we know can really help people feel loved, supported and connected.

Partners get defensive due to a mixture of things: fears, past experiences, miscommunications. Understanding that is the first step towards better communication. It’s about being patient, empathetic, and aware of the underlying issues that might be contributing to defensiveness.

If you’ve experienced this in your own relationship, I’d love to hear about it. If you have a question about mental health and relationships you’d like me to answer on a future Ask Marie episode, send it to askmarie@marievakakis.com.au. Thanks for listening.