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You’re spending time together. Dinners, dog walks, evenings on the couch. Nobody’s fighting, nothing has obviously broken. Something feels completely off. That quiet sense that your partner is physically present but somehow not really there is one of the things I see most often in couples therapy. It tends to build slowly, over months or years, which is part of why it goes unaddressed for so long. In this episode and in this post I want to name what it actually looks like.
Sign 1: Questions that became routine
There’s a difference between asking how someone’s day was and actually wanting to know the answer. Early in a relationship, those check-ins are genuine curiosity. Somewhere along the way they often become background noise. You’re asking while loading the dishwasher, half-listening while the TV is on, not really registering what comes back.
Knowing what’s actually happening in your partner’s life makes you better at asking the follow-up. When you know they had a big presentation yesterday, you can ask how it went today. That specificity signals attention. Attention is what keeps a relationship from drifting into logistics. When you don’t know much about your partner’s world anymore, the questions stay surface level, the answers stay short, and the distance grows.
Sign 2: Physical affection quietly drops
Not just sex. The hand on the back when you walk past them in the kitchen, the automatic goodnight kiss, the hug when one of you comes home after a long day. Those small unremarkable moments of physical contact are part of how couples stay connected, and when they start to disappear it often happens so gradually that neither person has noticed until one of them tries to hold hands and it feels slightly awkward.
If you reach for your partner and it feels foreign, that’s worth paying attention to.
Sign 3: You’re managing each other instead of talking
One of the most common things I see in couples, and one of the easiest to miss, is when the relationship shifts from genuine conversation to transaction. Everything becomes efficient, polite, coordinated. You’re running a household together. The actual relationship has quietly gone quiet.
The communication skills that make someone good at their job, measured, solution-focused, managing up, can quietly damage a relationship when they become the default register at home. Your partner is not a colleague. The relationship needs a different language.
Sign 4: The phone
This one is unique to our generation. I’m not immune to it. I go through phases where I have to delete all my apps or hand my phone to my partner because the habit of picking it up has become automatic. No phones in the bedroom is a standing rule [something we both agreed to] at my house.
The person next to you can’t tell whether you’re reading news, scrolling TikTok or answering a genuinely urgent work email. From where they’re sitting they see a barrier, eyes down, half-present. The phone can also be a way of self-soothing. When a difficult conversation comes up and you don’t have the skills to stay in it, reaching for the phone offers a small hit of distraction and an exit. Most of the time this isn’t intentional. It happens anyway.
Sign 5: They stop mentioning what bothers them
This is one I take seriously when I see it. There’s a culture of framing this as someone not wanting drama, but when a person stops bringing up the things that bother them, that silence is almost never peace. It usually means they’ve been burned enough times that they’ve stopped trying. Their concern was dismissed, or criticised, or met with defensiveness, and the lesson they learned was that sharing wasn’t safe here.
When people stop coming to you, they don’t stop feeling things. They just go elsewhere with them, or they carry it alone. Either way the relationship loses something real.
Sign 6: They stop showing up for the moments that matter
You ran a marathon and they weren’t at the finish line. A family member was in hospital and the response was you can go without me. What counts as showing up changes over time. When I was younger I wanted to celebrate every birthday. Now the big decade ones matter, and Valentine’s Day doesn’t need to be a public display. What’s important to you and what’s important to your partner shifts, and staying current with each other on that requires actual conversation.
When someone stops showing up for the moments that matter to you, it’s not always indifference. It might be that nobody has had the conversation about what showing up looks like anymore.
Sign 7: No more future talk
Future talk is investment talk. When a couple stops planning together, when there’s no more when we, when those conversations quietly fall off the radar, something has shifted. It might not feel dramatic. It just kind of stops happening.
In my experience, when someone has quietly disengaged from a relationship, the future conversations are usually the first to go.
How this usually develops
It almost never comes from one moment. What I see consistently is a slow accumulation: missed bids for connection, fights that end in stonewalling without repair, unresolved conversations that just got left, and one person who tried to raise something and got shut down often enough that they stopped trying. None of these things feel catastrophic on their own.
Together, over months and years, they create real distance.
How to start the conversation
Lead with your own experience rather than what they’ve done. I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected and I’d like to talk about it is very different from why are you so distant. Let them know a conversation is coming before you have it. There’s something I’d like to chat about this weekend is much easier to receive than being confronted mid-couch on a Friday night after a long week.
If you’re the person being told this, the most important thing you can do is stay curious rather than defensive. Thank them for telling you, ask them to say more, and hold off on the problem-solving until the feeling has been properly heard.
When to get support
If you’re both willing to work on this, the Relationship Reset course is a good starting point. It’s on-demand and covers connection, communication, conflict, intimacy and more. If conflict is the main barrier, my free Conflict Workbook is at marievakakis.com.au. When you need more than DIY tools, marathon sessions at The Therapy Hub are designed exactly for this: two to three intensive days, just the two of you.
Re-engagement is possible. The earlier you catch it, the easier it is.
Timestamps
0:00 Introduction
1:30 Sign 1: Questions that became routine
5:30 Sign 2: Physical affection drops
8:00 Sign 3: Managing each other not talking
9:30 Sign 4: The phone
13:30 Sign 5: They stop sharing what bothers them
16:00 Sign 6: They stop showing up for big moments
19:00 Sign 7: No more future talk
20:30 Why it develops and how to start the conversation
Start with the Relationship Reset course at marievakakis.com.au. For intensive support, marathon sessions are at thetherapyhub.com.au.
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[0:00]
Marie
You’re watching a show together and your partner’s phone is in their hand, or maybe they’ve even fallen asleep with it, and you realise you can’t remember the last real conversation you had. Not a logistical one about the kids or the dog’s vet appointment or who’s doing what for dinner. A real one about you, about how you are, what’s happening for you, something deeper. They’re here. You’re here. You’re together. You’re not fighting. Something is off and you can’t quite point to it.
I’m Marie Vakakis, accredited mental health social worker and couples therapist, and welcome to This Complex Life. Today I’m going to talk through seven signs your partner might be emotionally checked out, even if nothing looks obviously broken.
This is something I see a lot in my couples therapy room, and it breaks my heart. I see people who spend loads of time together. They’re having family dinners, walking the dog, spending evenings unwinding. There’s something missing in the quality of that connection. It can come from disinterest, disengagement, or just bad habits that slowly creep in and leave us feeling like we’re drifting apart.
[1:30]
Marie
Sign one. The questions stay the same.
You come home from work and ask, hey babe, how was your day? Yep, good, fine. Sounds normal. That’s great, you’re checking in. Somewhere along the way though, how was work becomes routine rather than curiosity. Maybe you’re asking while unloading the dishwasher, half-mumbling to yourself. We don’t mean to do this. We’re busy, we’ve got a lot happening, but somewhere we lose the capacity to really attune to the other person, to meet them where they’re at and ask with genuine curiosity.
I see this with families all the time, especially with teenagers. Parents tell me they asked how school was and got meh, fine, nothing. It’s because the question has become mundane. The more you don’t know about someone’s life, the harder it is to ask the follow-up. There’s a big difference between how was your day and hey, how did that presentation go, the one you were working on late last night. Specificity signals that you’ve been paying attention, and that signal matters.
When you know what’s happening in your partner’s world, you can ask more specific questions. They share a little more. You build a culture in your household where there’s genuine interest in everyone’s day-to-day life and in the deeper things.
My partner and I ask each other how was work too, and we often get good or fine. We have other ways we ask deeper questions. Road trips are my thing. There’s also something in listening to the tone of the answer. Are they saying it was okay in a way that carries a bit of sadness, or is it genuinely fine? Attunement means picking up those micro expressions.
The other piece here is what happens when your partner answers. If in the past they’ve shared something and you jumped straight to fixing or criticising, they’re less likely to share again. If someone comes home and says the meeting with their boss didn’t go well and you say well, I told you to be more prepared, that’s not going to land well. It’s going to shut them down. One or both partners sharing less and less because the other person didn’t receive it helpfully is a pattern I see often.
Listen, empathise, validate. Don’t try to fix it, don’t problem-solve unless they’ve asked you to. If you’re not sure what they need, ask. Do you need to vent, or do you want help brainstorming? Do you need a hug? Hug, heard, help. Asking those three questions can save you a lot of fights. It works for kids too.
[5:30]
Marie
Sign two. Physical affection drops without explanation.
This one happens quietly enough that people explain it away for months. You remember when you were first dating and your hands would brush against each other and there were sparks. That electric, intense feeling at the start of a relationship. For some people that slowly pulls away.
I’m not just talking about sex. I’m talking about a hand on the back, a goodnight kiss, a cuddle when you come in the door, sitting close, holding hands while you’re walking, stealing a cheeky kiss in the lift. Those little moments of affection that slowly drift away.
People often describe this as being tired, stressed, busy, and all of that might be true. That can lead to a gradual reduction over weeks and months. It doesn’t happen overnight for most people. It could slowly be eroding the quality of connection in the relationship.
If you’re listening and thinking that could be us, you might notice that when you go to hold your partner’s hand or give them a hug it feels slightly awkward. You’re not sure where to put your arms. It feels foreign. That might be a sign you’ve let this slip, or that one of you is a little checked out. Being checked out doesn’t mean you want to break up. It might mean you’re on autopilot or taking the relationship for granted.
Think of it like a houseplant. All plants need water. Some need more, some need less, but they all need something to stay alive. Relationships are the same. Some couples need a lot of affection, some are happy with a cuddle on the couch and a goodnight kiss. Whatever works for you and your partner is fine. The question is whether you’ve let some of it go without noticing.
[8:00]
Marie
Sign three. You manage each other rather than talk to each other.
This one almost looks like maturity from the outside, which is why it’s often missed. Efficient, polite, transactional. Conflict gets handled with matter-of-factness rather than emotion. Your partner is not your colleague, your boss or your employee. They’re your partner. The skills that work brilliantly at work can literally break a relationship when they become the default at home.
If you’re handling conflict in a way that feels managerial and day-to-day tasks feel like transactions, that’s worth paying attention to. You might also notice things like I’m fine, or whatever, or withdrawal. Those aren’t good signs. It could mean one or both of you is checking out.
When I see a couple argue, quite a lot of my couples argue, I actually have hope. They’re arguing with passion, with love, with the desire to be understood. They still have some fight in them. They want to wrestle with the things they’re struggling with. That arguing is a pulse running through the relationship. When there’s no argument and people are complacent and flat, it’s almost like they’ve given up. I’d be cautious about this one.
[9:30]
Marie
Sign four. The phone.
This is one of the most common, and really unique to our generation. Being in an intimate relationship with your phone. Touching it more than your partner.
The scrolling might have started unintentionally. If you’re there for hours going through reels, posts, articles, content of varying quality, it can leave you and your partner disconnected. I’ve noticed this in my own life. The habit of watching TV and then picking up my phone. I go through phases where I have to delete all my apps or get my partner to hold onto my phone so I don’t do it. I have a no-phones-in-the-bedroom policy. I charge mine elsewhere. I’ve had the same alarm clock since primary school, a nice digital one that only plays AM radio. When it goes off in the morning, just crackly AM radio. No phones in the bedroom, and really trying to reduce mindless scrolling on the couch, in the car, when walking.
A phone can be an escape and a false sense of connection. If the person you love is sitting right there with you and you’re on your phone, that has a real impact. I see this with parents too, talking about feeling disengaged from their children while also being on their devices. After lockdown in Melbourne especially, work life filtered heavily into home life and it became easy to catch up on emails a couple of hours after dinner.
The person next to you doesn’t know if you’re reading an ebook, the news, scrolling Instagram, or answering an urgent work email. They just see the barrier. Eyes glued to a screen, half-responding to a conversation.
The phone is also a way we self-soothe. We reach for it to ease boredom, discomfort, procrastination. If a difficult conversation comes up and you don’t have the skills to regulate yourself through it, the phone offers a distraction and a small dopamine hit. Most of the time this is unintentional. It still does damage.
Have as much tech-free time with your partner as you can. Go for walks without a phone. See how it feels. If you have kids, they can’t be what they can’t see. They need to see you off your devices.
[13:30]
Marie
Sign five. They stop mentioning the things that bother them.
This one tells you something has shifted, and not in a good way. I see a lot of content and comment threads about people saying they don’t want drama, or that their partner keeps bringing up stuff. Whatever drama looks like in any given relationship, when someone stops bringing up the things that bother them, that’s a significant signal. It means they’ve checked out, or they’ve been hurt and don’t feel supported to share, or what they’ve raised has been criticised, mocked or shut down. They’ve stopped trying.
They stop sharing the small challenges and irritations of the day. Silence in this case is not peace. It’s often that they’ve stopped trying.
My work can be heavy. I listen to couples arguing, I work with complex trauma, severe mental health, relationship distress. If I came home and told my partner it’s been a really hard day and it just feels heavy, and he said well that’s the job you chose, I don’t know what you’re complaining about, I’m not going to stop feeling that way. I’m just not going to share it with him anymore.
In my parenting course and workshops, there’s a module on talking about emotion with children for the same reason. If a child shares something and doesn’t get empathy and validation back, they don’t stop feeling that way. They just stop coming to you. The same applies in relationships.
If you recognise this, check in. Ask each other: what’s helpful when I share about my day? Try not to get defensive. Most of the time people are genuinely trying to help. They want to take away the bad feeling, or they feel criticised and get defensive. Understanding that makes it easier to have the conversation.
[16:00]
Marie
Sign six. They stop showing up for big moments.
You ran a marathon and they weren’t at the finish line. Your book launched and there were no flowers. You completed a big project and there was no champagne waiting. They’ve stopped celebrating the big moments with you. Milestone days, anniversaries. Even the hard things: a sick relative in hospital, and they say you can go without me.
Sometimes relationships start this way because people don’t know what’s important to the other person. I have a whole module on this in my Relationship Reset course, covering rituals, connection, how you want to celebrate things, how you want to be supported when something goes wrong.
What’s important to you changes over time. When I was younger I wanted to celebrate every birthday. Now the decade ones matter. Valentine’s Day doesn’t need to be a public display the way it might have ten years ago. What you like to celebrate, what rituals you have, they evolve. You need to stay updated on your partner’s version of those, and they need to know yours.
Checked out doesn’t always mean not caring. It might mean becoming complacent, or the relationship not feeling energised. If you’re missing those moments, or your partner is physically present but not emotionally there, that’s a sign to think about what to do next. Start with how you felt: I was really disappointed when I went to visit my grandmother in hospital and you didn’t come. I’d like you to come next time. Or: I’ve noticed we haven’t been showing up for the things that matter. I’d like to change that. Let’s talk about what those things are.
[19:00]
Marie
Sign seven. No more future talk.
No more when we go on holiday next year, or I was thinking for retirement we could, or what do you want to do when the kids grow up and move out. They’ve stopped talking about the future together.
Future planning is one of the clearest signals of investment. When we save money, buy shares, work toward qualifications, we’re investing in the future. When we’re not talking about it or making plans toward it, that might be an indication that something has shifted.
[20:30]
Marie
If you’re sitting here thinking how did we get here, or recognising some of these in your relationship, it usually doesn’t happen overnight. I’ve had couples in sessions say they didn’t realise it had been five or six years. They were getting along fine, spending time together, running a household, walking the dog. Something was feeling disconnected.
The pattern I see most often is missed bids for connection. These are the small things we say or do that invite conversation. The look at that bird TikTok trend was testing partners on this, which I find a bit immature. You’re setting someone up to fail. Bids for connection don’t have to be met every time, but when someone says oh that’s a really cool car, or I love this song, we can respond positively, negatively or not at all. We want more of the positive responses. Put down the phone, turn the radio down a little, engage in that micro moment of connection. When you have hundreds of those over weeks and months that don’t get responded to positively, that’s where the disconnection happens.
The second cause is fights that end in stonewalling rather than repair. Stonewalling can be an anxiety or overwhelm response. When one or both partners get flooded and the conversation doesn’t get repaired or revisited, that leads to the disconnection and checked-out feeling I described earlier.
The third is a slow accumulation of unresolved things. Not even big fights, just conversations that were never properly resolved. If that’s you, my free Conflict Workbook is available to download.
The fourth is one person trying to raise it and not feeling heard. They tried to have the conversation, sent a podcast or a reel, said can we talk about us, and it turned into a fight or the other person got defensive and it fell flat and never got repaired.
These things happen gradually. It’s rare that someone comes into my therapy room because of one big fight. Most of the time it’s an accumulation of miscommunications, conflict patterns, missed bids for connection, and not updating love maps. What do you like to celebrate? How do you like to be supported? Not having an understanding of those.
[24:00]
Marie
Re-engagement is possible. If you recognised even one of these seven signs, there are things you can do almost immediately. The Relationship Reset course gives you a whole set of questions to work through together. I guarantee you’ll learn something about your partner you didn’t know. If you did it every single year you’d still learn something new, because we change and grow and are exposed to new things.
If conflict is where you’re struggling, download my free Conflict Workbook. If both people are willing to work on this, you’ve got options. If only one person is willing, you might need individual support to think about how to do things differently. You can change the shape of a relationship by doing things differently yourself.
Marathon sessions at The Therapy Hub are two to three days of intensive couples work, just that couple, just me. We can move mountains. Both people have to be willing. If you’re nervous or unsure, that’s normal. We’re told we should just know this stuff. We saw our parents navigate it one way or another and we either want to replicate it or avoid it. But communication is a skill. Responding with empathy and validation is a learnable skill. You don’t have to do it alone.
[26:00]
Marie
If you’re going to start the conversation, this is how I want you to approach it. Don’t lead with why are you so distant, you’re always on your phone, I knew you were checked out. That will get a defensive response. Lead with I’ve been feeling a little disconnected and I’ve noticed we haven’t been spending as much quality time together. Or: I listened to a podcast and I’d like to talk about it. Can I share what resonated with me, or is it easier if I let you listen first and then we talk about what I took from it and what I think we could work on together?
Come at it neutrally, talking about your own feelings, not setting the other person up to fail. Don’t do this when you’re both exhausted. Friday night after a big week when you’ve ordered pizza is not the time. Think about when is a good moment to have this, especially if difficult conversations in your relationship are genuinely hard. Set it up for success.
One last thing: noticing it early matters. It’s reversible in the early stages. It gets harder later, not impossible, but harder. The worst thing you can do is wait. You deserve to have a happy, thriving relationship, and it’s closer than you might think. The best thing you can do is name what you’re noticing without blame.
If you recognise more than a couple of these signs, early intervention matters. You don’t have to have the perfect conversation to start. You just have to name what you’re noticing without blame. If you want support, try the Relationship Reset. It’s a good starting point. Everything is in the show notes. Thanks for listening. Share this one if you think it might help someone. Take care.
