[00:00:00] Does it ever feel like no matter what you say to your teenager, they just don’t hear you? You remind them about chores, you offer advice, even trying to connect and all you get back is silence. Maybe an eye roll or a quick whatever. It can feel like you’ve lost your voice in your own home. A dad I worked with once told me that every conversation with his daughter felt like shouting into the wind.

He would ask her about her day, remind her to do her homework, even try to share little stories from his own life, and she would either shrug or roll her eyes and he said I could be standing right in front of her and it feels like I’m invisible. That sense of invisibility is not about the homework or the messy room.

It’s about the loss of connection and the feeling that the bond you once had or the bond you hoped for is slipping away. Welcome to Ask Marie. On this complex life, I’m Marie Vakakis, and in this mini episode, I’m diving into the question I get often, why won’t my teen [00:01:00] listen to me anymore? In the last two episodes, I explored rejection, the pain that parents feel when their teens start pulling away, and how easy it is to react in ways that deepen the disconnection.

Some of those patterns often show up when it feels like your teen isn’t listening, so you might want to check one of those episodes out as well. What you do in that moment when you feel that rejection really matters. In this episode, I’m going to look at why listening feels so hard for them, how your reactions can either open the door or shut it completely, and what you can do instead to rebuild that connection.

I hope you enjoyed this encore episode of this Complex Life. I.

In today’s episode, I want to talk about the question, why doesn’t my teen listen to me anymore? This is a really tricky one because there are potentially hundreds of different reasons for this. I wanted to talk to you about three of the most common things that I see in my clinical practice. The first one is when parents are offering advice, and this really seems to [00:02:00] cause a bit of conflict for young people.

They say things like, my parents just won’t listen to me, or they don’t understand, and I see this being the reason why. No matter how good your advice is, no matter how well you might’ve thought about it and, and know what problem to solve, often kids, they don’t wanna hear it. They want to feel heard, validated, understood, and empathised with.

So if they’re struggling with their homework and you say something like, if you just did blah, blah, blah, or. You should just do this. If you’re adding things like you should, or you should just, any of those sorts of phrases disconnects you from that person, it’s really unhelpful for them. They might know some of those things, but in that moment, they don’t feel heard.

They don’t feel seen, they don’t feel validated. It can make people feel like you think they’re stupid, that you don’t think they’re capable of doing something, or the solution’s so easy, why didn’t they just think of it? Even if it’s true, even if yes, they could study in a different way or it maybe it would be better if they got some [00:03:00] fresh air in that moment.

It’s not what they need. They want to feel heard, validated, and understood. So saying something like, looks like you’re really struggling right now. Tell me what you’ve already tried, or, that looks like a really tough thing that you are working on. Not asking too many follow up questions is more likely to get you a little bit more connection in that moment.

So I’ve noticed those opportunities as a chance to connect, label what you’re seeing. You can see you’re struggling right now, or you seem really stressed or anxious, and give them a moment to come to terms with what you’re saying. To understand or to notice that you’re, you know, you’re chatting with them.

If a solution is warranted, wait till the end of that conversation. So ask them, what have you tried before? What do you think could work? What have you already thought about? Because there’s a good chance that they’ve thought about a lot of things, and that will help them feel like you’re listening to them by being curious.

Not offering suggestions, not offering advice, not trying to fix it. The second thing I see here is when it [00:04:00] comes to. Chores and a lot of the chores that I hear teenagers complain about are pretty reasonable things, and they know that too. They know when we are talking and they’re like, I’m really, you know, got in trouble for not empty the dishwasher or taking the bins out.

They know deep down they’re very normal things. They’re very reasonable requests. Where this goes wrong is when those comments of, you’ve gotta do this, you haven’t done that. Don’t forget, this outweighs the good stuff. So if you think about this over a week or two weeks or a term, how many times have they heard?

I’m really proud of you. You did a really great job with that. Look at the effort you made. Oh, you look really lovely. That’s so brave of you to try that. They don’t hear those sorts of things very often. So when they’re being told off by teachers all day, or they’re feeling restricted and then they have homework tasks and things due, and then they’re coming home and they’re being told more things that they have to do.

They can feel like they just can’t get it right, that nobody can see what’s happening for them. And do they [00:05:00] actually know that? I think they’re an awesome human. And do I tell them that often those reasonable requests are more likely to land if they feel respected, if they feel connected, if they feel heard, validated, and listened to.

The third thing I wanna talk about is biologically young people’s brains are starting to develop to need connections outside of the family. Peers become important, and we see in some studies that the brain response to different voices in a different way. So it’s not that they necessarily are ignoring you, but there’s been research that’s shown a baby’s brain or a child’s brain.

Lights up, you, if we’re looking at scans, it lights up when their primary carers talking in teenagers, the brain lights up. It still lights up for that, but it also looks for things that are novel and interesting. So sometimes I have parents with me and they’re like, I told them the exact same thing you just did.

And I’m like, I know, but I’m different. I’m outside the family. , Maybe a little bit different and novel and, and exciting. So. Sometimes their brain is scanning the environment for things that are [00:06:00] new and different. So they can actually disconnect a little bit from listening to familiarity, which can be really painful.

They might not be doing it intentionally. So if you’re trying to get their attention, keep that in mind that they’re not intentionally trying to reject you Often, maybe sometimes they’re a little bit upset or, or, or pouty or something might be happening, but they are biologically wired to start to look for sensory.

Things outside of the family home. that brings us to the end of the Ask Marie episode on why teens sometimes stop listening. And there are so many reasons. This is just one of the things that I see show up with the young people and families that I work with. If you recognise yourself in any of those examples, remember you are not alone.

Every parent I work with faces this at some stage and what makes the difference? He is not trying to get it perfect, but noticing how you respond and practicing small changes that invite connection instead of conflict. If you missed the [00:07:00] last two episodes that I mentioned earlier on rejection, I encourage you to go back and listen.

They explore some of the deeper reasons teens might tune parents out and how those moments can feel so personal. Together, those episodes give you a bit of a bigger picture on what might be happening in your family or for you. Thanks for listening to this complex life. If you found this helpful, please share it with a friend or leave a rating and a review.

It really helps other people find the podcast, and you can subscribe to my weekly newsletter weekly ish. Sometimes I’m a little bit slack and it comes out every fortnight, but that’s okay. And if you’re looking for some step-by-step strategies, you can explore My Connected Teens course. There’ll be a link for that in the show notes, as well as my free ebook that you can get as the downloadable there as well.

Until next time, take care.