So let’s rewind a little bit and figure out what’s going on. This seems to happen a lot more with parents of teenagers, and it’s where I see the most opportunity for things to get a little bit hairy or prickly, but also probably one of the most impactful times of life to have a big impact. As children grow into teens, their need for independence increases.

And I’ve spoken about this in some previous episodes. If you want to learn a little bit more about what’s happening, you might want to check those out, and I’ll pop a link to some of those below in the show notes. They’re starting to form their own identities and opinions, and this can lead to some pushback against parental authority. That’s what they’re supposed to do. Some of that is totally normal.

And I like to use the analogy of moving from manager to consultant. So when they’re young, you’re the manager and they love you in this role—guiding them through their daily routines, making sure their basic needs are met, cutting up their lunches. They might want crusts off a sandwich, cut diagonally, being walked to the school gate. They want you involved and around, and they’re super excited and proud to have you there.

And then somewhere around maybe as early as grade five or six or year seven, you get fired from that role. And it can happen gradually or it can happen really abruptly. You get fired from the role as manager. And parents can feel so bewildered by this, feel hurt, angry, rejected, confused. And that makes sense. And that’s okay. The role needs to change, and we want to get you hired back as the consultant. This means offering guidance and support. You’re still their parent. They need you there. There has to be boundaries and connection and maybe consequences and rules. All of those things are totally fine, but the role of a consultant is very different to that of a manager. It allows them to make more of their own decisions, learn from their mistakes, help them build some critical thinking skills, independence, confidence. And that’s part of the role.

So it can be hard to transition from being a manager to a consultant. But see it as walking side by side, and maybe a little bit of a step behind. You’re less likely to have some of that resistance because if you’re coming at it from the point of a consultant, they might not resist you as much because their autonomy is not being as threatened or stifled. So that’s the first thing I want you to consider: how are you responding in that role? Are you coming across as the manager? Because there’s a chance you’re not going to get listened to.

The second point I want to say here, and this sometimes is where I get a little bit of resistance from folks, is what are you role modelling? Teens, children—they often role model the behaviour that they observe in their parents. So if they see you handling conflict with anger or frustration, they might adopt some similar tactics in their own interactions. So have a bit of a reflection on your own communication style.

[00:04:00] What are they observing between you and a co-parent or partner? Or other siblings? Or how you talk to your parents, aunties, uncles? Even how you talk about other people? They are looking and observing all of that stuff. So one of the most important lessons I try to impart to parents is you can’t be what you can’t see. So kids learn from what they observe. So if they see you yelling to get your point across, they’ll likely do the same. If they see you handling conflict in a calm, respectful manner, they might start to mirror that behaviour. So it’s not up to the kids to lead by example. It’s on the parents. So if your teen is telling you, “You’re not listening to me,” they’re saying they don’t feel heard. So they’re less likely to listen to you because they don’t feel heard themselves. So it is that back and forth role modelling, teaching, educating as a consultant. So the way that they learn to show respect is not by being told, “You have to be respectful.” It’s by feeling respected themselves. The way they learn to show empathy is not by being told, “How do you think it made that person feel?” It’s by having their feelings empathised with, and I’ll talk a little bit more about that in a moment. So if you want to be understood as a parent, one of the first things to start doing is to have a go at doing that yourself—helping them feel heard and understood themselves. That’s how they will learn to do that.

The third way I want to answer this question, my third point, is connection over correction. Relationships are based on connection. And in the teen years, this is incredibly important. This should be the focus of most of the things that you do together—connection. Constant correction can make them feel criticised and undervalued. This can lead to a breakdown in communication. They might stop listening because they feel judged or not understood. So if you hear them saying things like, “You’re just not listening to me,” and you’re fighting back saying, “I am listening to you,” and they’re like, “No, you’re not. You just don’t get it,” there’s a chance that they don’t feel that. And it might be because there’s more correction rather than connection, or it could be one of the points that I mentioned earlier. So in order to do this, we need to prioritise validating and showing empathy, and that can make them more receptive to what you have to say.

So that constant correction can lead to a breakdown and can cause conflicts; they might feel undervalued. They might feel that you think they’re stupid or incompetent, that you don’t believe them or trust them, and that can really harm their self-esteem and sometimes lead to resentment. So think about it: would you want to be in a relationship where you feel constantly judged or criticised, where you get told off for everything you did or didn’t do? That might not be your intention. In fact, it rarely is. But it doesn’t mean that’s not how it comes across.

As I nutted out some of the things I wanted to talk about for this question, I highlighted and put in bold empathy and validation as being key here. And this is one of the hardest things I see parents struggle with in my programs, when I run parent groups—this idea of empathy.

Now, empathy and validation does not mean you have to agree with them. It doesn’t mean that you have to accept that what they said is truth. It’s that you understand from their perspective what is happening. So for example, let’s say they got a detention. They were mucking around in class. Maybe they squirted someone with their water bottle. And they’ve got a detention, and maybe it’s a school that has detentions on a Friday night. I dunno, whatever. It’s enough to make the example make sense. And so they come home and they’re like, “Oh, I got a detention on a Friday, and I was really looking forward to going to my friend’s house.”

[00:08:00] Empathy would be, “Oh, that sucks. You were really looking forward to that,” and validating that for them. “Yeah, it makes sense. You were really looking forward to going to your friend’s house and now you got a detention. That kind of sucks, doesn’t it?” Empathy is not saying, “Well, what’d you get the detention for? Well, then I bet you, you guess you deserved it,” or, “What do you think the teacher felt like? Well, how do you think the teacher felt? The teacher probably felt disrespected. They planned and planned and planned and prepared for the class, and there you are squirting your friends with a water bottle. Well, it makes sense that you got a detention.” That’s going to shut down the conversation. That’s going to feel critical, and they’re probably going to get defensive or shut down. Now, empathy doesn’t mean you agree that maybe they said, “This is unfair and I wanted to do this.” It doesn’t mean you agree that it’s unfair, but it means that you can see from their perspective, “Ah, it feels unfair that you got in trouble for something maybe all the other kids do, and you were looking forward to going to your friend’s house.” That might be all that conversation needs.

Remember, we’re prioritising connection. You can still talk later on about, “Well, you did get a detention for doing something that disrupted the class, and we have a rule about that in our household. And what happens when you get a detention? Okay, blah, blah, blah. Here are your consequences,” or, “Here is what happens.” You still get to set boundaries or there might be consequences in your family, but first that validation, that empathy has to be there to maintain connection. Now let’s move away from that example.

If you’re struggling with empathy, with validating, with hearing their story, and they come and vent something to you, don’t jump straight to problem solving. Please, if you’re going to take one thing away from this episode, it’s to stop trying to fix it. I see this ruin relationships, friendships. It’s one of the biggest things couples come to therapy and talk about—stop trying to fix it. When it comes to these relationship interactions, stop trying to fix it. Ask them questions like, “What are your concerns? What do you need right now? Do you need to vent? Do you need to brainstorm? Do you just need a bit of space? Do you need a hug? What can I do to be helpful?” You know, you can ask questions like, “Oh, what happened before that? How did this all evolve? What was that person’s interaction with that person like? Or what were your thoughts about that? Or what did they think?” Show curiosity, ask questions, get the conversation going, and express empathy as you listen. “Oh, you make total sense. I totally see how that would feel that way. Oh, you must’ve felt so helpless, frustrated, angry. Oh, my goodness. I just feel so distressed right now just hearing you talk about that. How did you feel in that moment? It sounds like you’re really in a tough spot right now. You must’ve felt so helpless or overwhelmed.” Empathise with how they’re feeling, sprinkle in those words that show you’re listening. And don’t try and fix it. Don’t try and interject. Don’t try and say something like, “Have you thought about it from the other person’s perspective?” or, “Well, if you didn’t do that, then this wouldn’t have happened.” Please, don’t try and fix it.

But what if what they’re saying has a bit of anger, a bit of heat behind it, and you’re thinking, “Oh, I don’t like this. This is angry. This is prickly. I can’t deal with it.” Take a moment and have a deep breath, and have a bit of a think. “What’s happened recently that made you feel so angry?” Or say something like, “You seem really pissed off right now.” You don’t even have to say, “You okay?” because sometimes we can ask, “Are you okay?” but it can feel a little judgy. So if someone’s angry and they’re frustrated and you’re like, “Are you okay?” that feels a little judgy. So we want nonjudgmental listening here. If they’re angry at you, this is where it can be even harder. Take a moment and listen, and maybe even take some responsibility even for a small part of the problem.

So if they’re angry at you for not listening, maybe you can say, “Yeah, actually I could have done that different,” or, “If I could have gone back in time and do it again, I would have said it a little differently.” So you can take some responsibility. Now, remember what I said earlier—you have to role model these behaviours. So if you want them to grow up and take responsibility for their actions, they need to have felt what it’s like for someone else to take responsibility.

So if you’re in a bit of a fight, if you’re in an argument, and you cracked it, or you had a reaction that felt a little disproportionate, taking responsibility for that part is how they then learn to start doing that. So it’s okay to say, “Hey, you came home past curfew and that’s not okay. We have some rules in our household, and how I handled that was not okay, and I apologise for raising my voice or overreacting.” And we still need to talk about you breaking curfew, so you can come back around to that. But remember, try to be calm, avoid being defensive, and avoid counter-attacking. They’re still learning how to do relationships, how to communicate effectively. And they learn it from you.

And this is a really nice segue into my fourth point around respect. And that is a bit of a two-way street. So as you’re listening to this, you might be racking through your brain and thinking about what your last few interactions were like. I want you to think about, “Are you proud of how you handled them? Are you setting the kind of example that you want for your children? If they responded to you or to their future partner or to a teacher the way that they hear you responding to them, is that something that you would be okay with? Are you setting the kind of example that you want for your children?” If not, then maybe that’s something to work on. Maybe that’s something to reflect on and think about how you’re communicating with them and what they are absorbing from that.

We go back to the part of the question around why won’t they listen to me? They are more likely to listen when they feel respected and heard. And that is a relationship that’s earned. It’s not on them to try and necessarily earn that from you—they’re children, they’re teenagers, they’re still figuring this out. But how you speak to them, whether it’s out of anger, frustration, irritation—that can feel really disrespectful. And we’re less likely to listen to someone who we feel doesn’t respect us. So consider how you listen to your teenager without jumping to conclusions, without problem-solving or offering solutions. How are you role modelling the kinds of conversations you want them to have? Are you giving them space to express themselves? Are you giving them a space to share things and listen with empathy and validation? If not, this might be an area that you might want to get some extra skills around, or even talk to them and say, “Hey, I’ve noticed I’m not doing this so great, and it’s a bit of a blind spot for me. I’m going to try and work on doing this different or doing this better.” Even having that conversation role models to them a level of accountability that could be really quite powerful.

And the next one I want to talk about is around bond and trust.

[00:16:00] So building an emotional bond—and you kind of do this by doing all the things I’ve already mentioned—continuing to strengthen that bond. When teens feel connected and valued, they’re more likely to engage in open dialogue and listen. And maybe even take your advice if they feel really heard and understood; they’re more likely to take your advice. So focus on building trust. Be consistent, reliable, dependable, and show understanding. And those are foundations of building a strong, connected relationship.

So I want you to have a few moments to just think about some of these questions. These are some ones that I have for self-reflection, and if you want to have a read of them, they’ll be in the show notes and you can get a link to that in the show notes page of the app, wherever you’re listening to it. There’ll be some information there. So have a bit of a go at reflecting on these: “What values am I modelling in my daily interactions? Are these the values I want my children to adopt? How do I handle conflict and stress? Am I showing them healthy ways to manage their emotions? Do I listen to my children in a way that makes them feel heard and valued, or am I jumping to solutions to try and fix things? How do I show empathy and respect in my interactions? How can I ensure my children feel respected and understood?”

So take some time to sit with those reflections. It’s not about being perfect. It’s impossible. We’re all imperfect humans, trying to human the best way we can. And that’s totally fine. It’s an opportunity to be a little bit more mindful and intentional in your actions. So reflect on some of those recent interactions with them and consider what changes, if any, you’d like to make. And this can be a really valuable skill. You might want to even chat with them and say, “Hey, I listened to this thing that made me think about how we communicate, and I realise that sometimes I don’t get it right, and so I’m going to practice doing it differently.” Just role modelling the vulnerability to admit that is awesome. And they’ll take a lot away from that.

So some key things to keep in mind: remember, the best way that we learn to show respect or to show empathy is when we can feel it ourselves. And we can’t be what we can’t see. So role modelling is really important there. And one of my favourites—please, don’t try to fix it. Remember, empathy, validation—those are the key parts for building the kind of relationship that you want. And all of that together should mean that sometimes they’re more likely to listen to you.

I hope you found that helpful. I talk about this and loads more in my Connected Teens program, and you’ll find a link to that in the show notes. It’s a six-module on-demand training for parents of teens. And it’s one of those things that I wish every parent did or knew or had the skills. It could really stop people from even maybe needing to see me in the first place, which would be really awesome. Have a great day, and thanks for listening.