00:04 There is no shortage of advice on what to do to build a healthy relationship. Communicate openly, show appreciation, spend quality time together, but what about the things we need to stop doing?

00:17 Welcome to this complex life, a podcast dedicated to exploring the beautiful mess of life and relationships. We’re constantly told what to do.

00:26 To build a healthy relationship. Communicate openly, express gratitude, spend quality time together. I have a whole bunch of episodes talking about all the things that you can do to improve your relationship.

00:37 And those things are incredibly important. But what often overlooked is this. Sometimes the habits we need to let go of are just as important as the ones we’re trying to build.

00:48 Relationships, especially long term ones, are where our deepest vulnerabilities tend to show up. And even when there’s love, we can fall into patterns that slowly wear down trust, connection, and safety.

01:00 Just like improving your physical health isn’t about just exercising more. It also means reducing some of the habits that hold you back.

01:07 So if you’re trying to exercise more and look after yourself and maybe build some strength and build some muscles and get some, I don’t know, run 5Ks faster.

01:19 Then the things you also might need to give up is reduce alcohol, have healthier snacks or food choices, getting better sleep.

01:27 So it’s not just about the things that you do that are good for you. There actually might be things that are hindering your progress or holding you back that you need to let go of.

01:36 And emotional health in relationship kind of works the same way. In my work as a couples therapist, I’ve noticed that emotionally healthy couples They’re not perfect.

01:44 By no means, they’re not perfect, but they are intentional. They have a kind of quiet discipline about what they will and won’t tolerate in their dynamic, and they work on interrupting patterns that don’t serve their connection.

01:57 So I want to share with you six behaviors, and this is not all everything, but the some that I noticed that come up frequently, that healthy couples don’t engage in, and why avoid them makes such a difference.

02:08 The first one, they don’t undermine each other. Undamining can be subtle, it can be an eye roll during a conversation, a sarcastic comment at dinner, or a joke at your partner’s expense in front of friends.

02:21 That’s one of my, I hate that one, I find that so rude to be, you know, the content of a joke between people that’s meant as a kind of passive aggressive sort of slight, you know, comment, it’s not good.

02:32 It might not seem like such a big deal in the moment, and if you’re dismissing, you’re like, oh, you just can’t take a joke or something like that, it’s not cool.

02:39 Because if it’s not funny to that person and it’s embarrassing your partner, it’s hurtful to them. And disregarding that and ignoring it and pretending like they’re just being sensitive, that’s not okay.

02:49 Because those little jabs over time can feel like death by a thousand paper cuts. You know, they are like paper cuts to the relationship.

02:57 Emotionally healthy couples Actively avoid these habits because they understand how damaging it is to feel unsupported or belittled by the person you trust most.

03:06 They value each other’s self-esteem and dignity, and especially in public settings where even light teasing can feel humiliating. Now I’ve talked about the importance of using humour, so I’m not saying don’t be funny and don’t lighten up conversations, but if you’re using humour, what you perceive as

03:21 humour or a joke at your partner’s expense, that’s not okay, so instead of that. Or trying to criticise to highlight a flaw or win a point.

03:29 These couples speak with respect, even when emotions are high. They have a kind of code of words that they’re not okay to use.

03:37 There are certain comments that they would not say to each other that are completely disrespectful. When concerns arise, they know that there’s a time and place for them, preferably when both people feel safe to talk honestly without being put down.

03:50 The second thing that emotionally healthy couples don’t do is they don’t call each other names, even in private. When couples come to therapy and say we’re fighting all the time, or often it’s one of the things around, oh, we just want to improve our communication, and then we get through, you know, 

04:06 different kind of the assessment process, and we recognise that maybe how they handle conflict is one of the areas they would like to work on.

04:12 When we talk about what those arguments look like, too often, what emerges is name calling or labeling. Things like, he’s so selfish, or she’s so lazy, or you’re such a control freak.

04:23 Words carry weight, and when we use him to define someone, especially someone we love, it doesn’t just damage the moment it chips away, it has safe that relationship feels.

04:33 Even saying these things when your partner isn’t around to a friend or family member, it reinforces a narrative that can make it harder to connect.

04:42 Emotionally healthy couples don’t deny frustration. They just find other ways to name it. Instead of labeling the person, they describe what’s going on for them emotionally.

04:52 So for example saying, I feel overwhelmed doing all the planning on my own. Is more likely to start a conversation than you never help with anything.

04:59 You’re so lazy and inconsiderate. Keeping the focus on the behaviour, not the person, helps prevent defensiveness and builds empathy instead.

05:08 And a lot of the time we only have One point of view when we’re talking about something, so if you’re talking about your partner thing, I can’t believe how inconsiderate they are.

05:16 They book this business trip without even a second thought, what a rude, obnoxious, someone, so without having understood your partner’s reason before that, for that understanding that they might have thought about something or maybe they have overlooked something, implying a negative intention, starts

05:36 to erode the relationship. Calling each other names big no-no. The third thing that emotionally healthy couples don’t do is they don’t vent about their partner without trying to resolve the issue.

05:49 There’s a difference between seeking support. An outsourcing accountability. And many of the people I see and many people don’t realise that the way we talk about our partners to others deeply impacts their relationship, even if our partner never hears it.

06:04 When venting becomes the main way we deal with conflict, it can create distance. You might feel closer to the friend you’re venting to, but more resentful of your partner, especially if the underlying issue never gets resolved.

06:17 Over time, this can a road motivation to repair and instead reinforce feelings of stuckness or resentment. Now, what I mean by this is it’s very different saying to a close friend, hey, we’re really struggling with this upcoming family holiday and I feel like I’m, you know, organising all this stuff 

06:35 and I really want to talk to them about how much I feel over-scheduled. That’s very different when you’re trying to nut out something to then bring that conversation back to your partner.

06:44 So your friend’s kind of helping you with your Shitty first draft is Brittany Brown would call it, you know, figuring that stuff out.

06:51 That’s very different to saying, oh, they’re so rude and inconsiderate, can you believe what they’ve done again? And you’re, you know, b******* and moaning and complaining about your partner to someone else, and your partner has no idea that you’re concerned about something.

07:02 And there’s no attempt to discuss it and resolve it. That can create a lot of distance. And over time it really reinforces these negative feelings that you might have towards your partner that lead to.

07:16 Being resentful, or even contemptuous in some cases. So healthy couples value outside perspectives, but they also prioritise addressing issues within the relationship.

07:26 When they feel frustrated or hurt, they talk to each other. Sometimes imperfectly, sometimes with the support of therapy, but always with the goal of understanding, connection and resolution, and when they do speak to others, it’s with the intention of finding insight or clarity, not just validation 

07:43 or venting. The fourth thing that emotionally healthy couples don’t do is they don’t use silent treatment as punishment. Silent treatment is not the same as needing space.

07:55 One is a healthy boundary, needing space, time to regulate, self-south, and then come back to the conversation, that’s okay. The other is a form of control, or emotional withdrawal.

08:06 When someone shuts down without explanation and refuses to engage, Or withholds affection to make a point. That’s the key bit there.

08:14 They do it to make a point. It creates confusion, anxiety and mistrust. Emotionally, healthy couples don’t avoid conflict by going silent.

08:22 Instead, they communicate their need for space without closing the door to connection. This might sound like I’m feeling too upset to talk right now, but I do want to come back to this when I’ve calmed down.

08:32 I’m going for a walk. Let’s talk about it in an hour. They make a time to come back and revisit that conversation.

08:39 They don’t just storm out and then withdraw completely and give silent treatment as a way to get a need met.

08:45 That’s a very unhealthy, unhelpful strategy. Being able to say I need some space but then coming back to it is an approach that honors the need for regulation and self-care and it’s actually something I encourage my couples to do when they feel flooded or overstimulated or when I say glittered it’s like

09:02 having a snow globe that gets shaken up when your brain just cannot cope or your body cannot cope and you need some time to calm down.

09:09 That’s okay, then come back to it. So this leaves the relationship intact and keeps the line of communication open rather than using silence as a weapon.

09:17 It’s saying I need space and I care about staying connected. The fifth thing that emotionally healthy couples don’t do is they don’t forget milestones that matter to their partner.

09:28 This isn’t about grand gestures or expensive gifts, it’s about attention and care. Remembering things that are important to your partner, you might have different things that are important and that’s okay.

09:39 Talk about it with each other. If your partner values remembering birthdays and adversaries or even smaller milestones like Nailing a work presentation or having support at a tough doctor’s appointment, communicating that something is important to you and then knowing for your partner what that is is

09:58 a simple and powerful gesture to say, I see you and I care about what matters to you. So being able to show up for those occasions or those milestones is so important.

10:08 I know for me personally, Those sorts of things really matter. I love being thought of. I love having certain milestones celebrated and I’m really bad at actually celebrating it myself.

10:21 So if I know I’ve pushed myself out of my comfort zone or had in the past and I’ve had maybe a promotion or applied for a job that I got, I really love someone to say, congratulations, I’m going to take you out for dinner.

10:33 You know, something like that. So those things are important to me. Anniversary is absolutely birthdays. Cugely important. So having those honored in a way that feels genuine for a relationship is so important.

10:46 So, emotionally healthy couples make an effort to remember the things that are important to each other. Not because they’re perfect, but because, again, they’re intentional.

10:54 They know that feeling forgotten or dismissed can quietly build resentment, especially when it happens over time. It’s not about having a perfect memory, you know, put it in the calendar, set a reminder, it’s fine, sending a message of encouragement or simply checking in those small acts of thoughtfulness

11:11 go a long way in making your partner feel valued and emotionally safe in the relationship. And the last thing that emotionally healthy couples don’t do is they don’t rely on each other to meet every single need.

11:23 This is one of the biggest myths in romantic relationships that our partner should be our best friend, our emotional rock, our confident, our lover, our cheerleader, our co-parent, our co-plan.

11:31 I mean, the list goes on and on and on. And while it’s lovely to feel deeply connected, expecting one person to meet all your emotional needs, it’s not only unrealistic, it is unsustainable.

11:44 Emotionally healthy couples have space in their lives for other relationships for hobbies and sources of support. They understand that no one person can be everything and they respect each other’s individuality.

11:56 Having friendships outside the relationships interests that don’t involve your partner or support from a therapist or mentor doesn’t mean your relationship is lacking.

12:05 It actually can strengthen it because when both people are fulfilled and connected to themselves, they bring more energy, patience and resilience back to the relationship.

12:15 So being in an emotionally healthy relationship isn’t about getting it right all the time. It’s about noticing patterns that create disconnection and choosing to respond differently even when it’s hard.

12:25 I mean, these six behaviours are not all the things I could probably spend time and figure out a few more and maybe I’ll do another episode on that, but letting go of these six doesn’t mean conflict disappears or that you’ll never feel frustrated, but it does mean your relationship will feel safer, more

12:40 respectful, and more deeply connected. So if any of these habits sound familiar, you know, this you’re not alone and it’s not too late to shift the problem.

12:53 Thank you for listening. To keep the conversation going, head on over to Instagram or LinkedIn and follow me. If you’d like to keep updated with episodes and other interesting things happening in mental health, join my weekly, this complex life newsletter.

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