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Ever wonder why your teen seems to tune you out, even when you’re offering helpful advice? It’s one of the most common questions I get from parents: Why doesn’t my teen listen to me anymore? In this episode of This Complex Life, I dive into the reasons behind this disconnect and how you can make your communication more effective.
From understanding their need to feel heard to realising how their brain processes your voice differently as they grow, I cover practical steps you can take to foster better conversations with your teen.
Why Won’t My Teen Take My Advice, Even When I Know It’s Helpful?
Teens often resist advice because they want to feel heard first. Phrases like “If you just…” or “You should…” might feel helpful to you but can make them feel criticised. They want validation, not immediate solutions. By recognising their emotions first, you’re more likely to have a meaningful conversation.
“The second you’re adding ‘If you just…’ or ‘You should…,’ it kind of disconnects you from that person.”
What Can I Do to Improve Our Conversations?
Start by labelling their emotions. Say something like, “I can see you’re struggling right now,” and give them space to respond. Only after they’ve had a chance to share their thoughts should you offer advice—but only if they want it. Asking for permission to give advice shows respect for their autonomy.
“Label that emotion: ‘I can see you’re struggling right now.’ Then, give them a moment to come to terms with what you’re saying.”
Why Does It Seem Like All We Talk About Are Chores or Homework?
If most of your interactions are centred around what your teen isn’t doing—things like chores or schoolwork—they may feel criticised, and this can lead to them shutting down. It’s important to balance requests with positive reinforcement. Complimenting their efforts outside of these tasks can help them feel appreciated.
“Letting them know you see the good things they’re doing means these reasonable requests are likely to land better.”
Is It True That Teenagers Actually Stop Hearing Their Parents?
Yes, in a way! As teens grow, their brains become more attuned to external voices and stimuli. While they still care about what you say, their brain is wired to pay more attention to new or novel inputs from outside the family. It’s not that they’re intentionally ignoring you, but their brain isn’t as focused on familiar voices.
“Their brains are scanning for things that are more novel, so they might not purposefully be ignoring you—they’re just not paying attention in the same way.”
Key Takeaways:
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Teens don’t want advice straight away: They want to be heard and validated first. Using phrases like “you should” or “if you just” can make them feel misunderstood and disconnected.
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Empathy before solutions: Acknowledging their emotions and asking for their thoughts before offering advice can go a long way in improving communication.
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Balance requests with praise: If the majority of your conversations focus on what your teen isn’t doing, they might feel criticised. Try balancing this with compliments about their strengths and efforts.
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Teen brains are wired for novelty: It’s not that they don’t care about your voice, but their brain is more focused on external inputs. This can make them seem like they’re ignoring you, even when they’re not.
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Offer advice only when welcomed: Instead of jumping straight into problem-solving, check in first and ask if they want to hear your suggestions.
Resources:
For more tips on teen communication, don’t forget to check out yesterday’s episode on Why Won’t My Teen Talk to Me After School?
By tweaking how you approach advice, balancing feedback with compliments, and understanding how your teen’s brain works, you can create stronger, more meaningful conversations with them. Don’t miss tomorrow’s episode where I’ll be discussing: Why Doesn’t My Teen Want to Spend Time with the Family?
Their brains are scanning for things that are more novel, so they might not purposefully be ignoring you—they’re just not paying attention in the same way.
Read The Full Transcript
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[00:00:00]
Hello, and welcome to this Complex Life mini episode, where I answer frequently asked questions and provide a little tip that you can do at home to improve your relationships. Hi, I’m Marie Vakakis, and I help people have better relationships and improve their mental health. One of the ways I do this is by focusing on how we communicate and connect in relationships. Coming to you from the lands of the Wurundjeri and Bunurong people, let’s get into it.
This mini-series is all about parenting teens. Yesterday’s episode was Why won’t my teen talk to me after school? So, if that’s something common in your household, I encourage you to listen to that one. In today’s episode, I want to talk about Why doesn’t my teen listen to me anymore? This can be really tricky because there are potentially hundreds of different reasons for this. I want to share three of the most common things that I see.
[00:01:00]
The first one is when parents are offering advice. No matter how good the advice is, often kids don’t want to hear it—they want to feel heard, validated, and empathised with. So, if they’re struggling with something like homework and you say something like, “If you just did this,” or use phrases like “If you just…”, “You should…”, or “If you could only…,” it can automatically disconnect you from them. It can make them feel like you think they’re stupid, incapable, or that the solution is so easy and they should have thought of it themselves. That “just” bit there? Not really helpful.
If you find that your advice is really helpful, even genuine, it’s still not going to land well unless you do a few things first. The first is to notice these moments as opportunities to connect.
[00:02:00]
Label that emotion: “I can see you’re struggling right now.” Give them a moment to process what you’ve said. Then, if a solution is warranted, after you’ve spent a few minutes discussing what’s going on, you can say, “I have a couple of ideas I think could work. Do you want me to share them with you?” But only do this after exploring what they’ve already tried: “What do you think could work in this situation?” or “What have you tried so far?”
If they’re flustered or overwhelmed, encourage them: “How about you take a break, and we revisit this later?” Don’t offer advice straight away. If you think advice is needed, check in, label the emotion, ask for permission, but only after you’ve given them a chance to contribute.
[00:03:00]
The second issue I see a lot is with chores. Most of the complaints teenagers have about chores are pretty reasonable—things like cleaning up, putting on washing, or taking dishes to the sink. These are usually fair requests. However, things go wrong when these requests outweigh the positive interactions. If you think about your interactions over the week, it’s often things like: “Pick up your stuff,” “We’re running late,” “Have you got this? Have you done that?” Then, dozens of moments arise where they’re told they aren’t doing something well enough or fast enough.
So, when you ask them to do something else, like “Can you also do this?” they hear, “Here’s another thing you’re not doing well enough.” This kind of communication can get prickly because it’s not just about the task at hand. For them, it can feel like another sign that they’re getting something wrong.
[00:04:00]
To counterbalance this, it’s important to mix in compliments and recognition of what’s going well. People, especially teens, want to know they’re on the right track—that their efforts are being observed, appreciated, and acknowledged. It doesn’t mean you have to thank them for every small chore. Instead, it could be recognising their strengths: “I can see how loyal you are to your friends, and I love that about you,” or “I really admire how hard you worked on that project,” or “I’ve noticed how much effort you’re putting into training for your sports event.”
By letting them know you see the good things they’re doing, your reasonable requests are likely to land better.
[00:05:00]
The third reason is biological. Teens often don’t register what you’re saying the way they used to. Studies have shown that young children’s brains light up when they hear their parent’s voice. For teens, though, while their brains still respond to your voice, they light up even more when they hear novel or external voices. So, something new or external to the family will grab their attention more than what’s familiar.
It’s not that you’re no longer important to them—it’s just that their brain is now scanning for things that are more novel. This means they might not be purposefully ignoring or dismissing you; their brain just isn’t paying attention in the same way it used to.
I hope that’s been helpful for you. Tomorrow’s question is: Why doesn’t my teen want to spend time with the family? Stay tuned!
