[00:00:00] If you’ve ever wondered why you keep having this same argument over and over again, it might not be about the topic, it’s usually not about the dishes. What, who’s organised date night or where to go on holiday. It could be your attachment style. Welcome to this complex life. In today’s episode, I’m going to explain how anxious and avoidant styles trigger each other during conflict and how you can stop the cycle.

Have you ever wondered why one of you shuts down while the other gets louder? That’s attachment theory in action.

When we are in conflict, it activates something in our body that goes beyond our brain. I know it might sound silly, but it’s not always logical or rational, and sometimes you look back and think, what the heck just happened? Was that even me? I felt like I was another person. Even think about the last fight you had [00:01:00] might even be a little bit of a blur, right?

Conflict with our partner or spouse activates our attachment system. And this is, we don’t exactly know why, but we have some assumptions about this. And when we’re in an intimate relationship, that seems to trigger our attachment wounds or our attachment history. History in a different way than it does with friends or with colleagues or with other people.

Sometimes there can be a little bit of an overlap, but sometimes with our partner, it hurts. So much more anxious attachment style and an avoidant attachment style are both strategies that someone has created to try and keep themselves safe. So they surprisingly have more in common than they do different.

When we think about the mechanism behind this, why we respond, responding that way is something we’ve learned and we’ve evolved and adapted to do to try and keep ourselves safe. The thing is an attachment, an anxious and an avoidant respond in [00:02:00] almost opposite ways, and when they partner up, it can be a recipe for some difficult conversations.

That’s why the same argument keeps happening regardless of what the topic, you find yourself in those same patterns over and over and over again.

For example, you start off talking about plans for the weekend, and before you know it, you’ve had a huge fight. One person is on the floor sobbing and the other is sitting on the couch, arms crossed with a Sealy look on their face.

Maybe it wasn’t even about the weekend, it was about feeling unseen, unheard. Unloved and cared for.

This is a pattern that I notice a lot with couples where each one tries to get their points across and someone who keeps escalating activates something in their partner that leads to them withdrawing even more. So the more they wanna talk about it, the more the other person shuts down. The more that person shuts down, the more the other one wants to talk about it.

They seem to be having [00:03:00] this dynamic where one person’s like, stop walking away from me. I just need you to talk. And the other person’s shutting down trying to cope with feeling overwhelmed and is worried that anything they say or do will cause a fight will make it worse. And so they say nothing and that makes it worse.

And it reaffirms for them that that’s something that they should avoid even more until next time they avoid it even more. And the cycle goes on and on and on.

The anxious person might speak faster, become more emotional, or try to seek reassurance. That could be through chasing after you trying to talk to you, maybe sending lots of text messages, asking, are you okay? What’s wrong if I upset you? Is everything okay? And looking for that reassurance. Then nervous system interprets distance as danger.

So they often try to fix the disconnection in any way they know how. And having a fight is sometimes better than silence because silence is disconnection and disconnection equals danger, [00:04:00] and they can’t cope with that. So if someone has an anxious attachment style, and they’re trying to text their partner and their partner doesn’t respond, and it activates that anxiety.

They might send multiple text messages or start freaking out and calling and leaving voicemails, or they might seem really silent to begin with. And then once that person gets home, then they start asking questions, why did you ignore me? Is everything okay? Have I done something to upset you? And they’ve worked themselves up into quite a distressed state, .

Or sometimes they might seem a little cool and distant and say something like, well, do you even want this relationship anymore? When really they’re wanting reassurance, that disconnection that they felt felt dangerous to them and they don’t know how to cope with it.

I’ve seen these play out in couples who sit on my couples therapy couch, and sometimes they’ll show me the text messages they’ve sent and they’re scrolling through and it’s dozens of text messages without the other person replying, and the more the other person doesn’t reply, the more text messages they send.

Then they come to [00:05:00] a therapy session and they’re looking at the text messages. They’re looking at me like, it felt like I was possessed. How did this even happen? It was like a part of me just. Went completely rogue and I couldn’t cope. And it was an old attachment wound that had been activated. And for the other person, they felt smothered and suffocated and couldn’t cope with the barrage of text messages coming their way.

And it’s a really painful position to be in for both people. One is feeling suffocated and overwhelmed and they withdraw, and the other person is feeling that as abandonment and disconnection and unsafe. Activate and they get more act anxious, and they keep trying to fix it and get involved and reach out for connection, and it just keeps that cycle going

What avoidant attachment looks like in conflict. The avoidant person might shut down or withdraw when things feel intense. They might be in the room, but stay silent. Or they might say something like, I need a break. I need a break.

We’ll talk about this [00:06:00] later and never come back to it. Because why would they, they want to avoid this. It’s uncomfortable. It’s overwhelming. I’m not gonna start this conversation again. I’m just going to avoid it. It’s an. Strategy to try and reduce discomfort in that moment, kicking it down the road and hoping that we never have to talk about it again.

And this is often a response to internal overwhelm. Now in previous episodes, I’ve spoken about stonewalling and I’ve spoken about taking a break when people are flooded. Taking a break is totally okay. The key, most crucial bit is coming back to that conversation. So doing something that helps you regulate, calm yourself, and then revisit that conversation simply saying, I can’t do this right now, and then never coming back to the conversation.

Erodes trust in a relationship and it leaves all of these un unhealed or unrepaired or con just unfinished conversations that leave. One or both people [00:07:00] feeling dissatisfied, maybe even resentful. And over time, that leads to a very unhappy relationship.

So if a partner is saying, I can’t deal with this right now, and walking off, they, they’re feeling usually feeling overwhelmed. And so they want to flee. They want to escape. Their intention might be to try and calm down to avoid that discomfort, and the other person might see that as rejection and abandonment.

So I wish people would know that they need to talk to their partner about this. They might need to say something like, I see, this is important to you. I’m not abandoning you. I need some time to cool down to cool off. And then we’ll come back to this conversation in half an hour. That’s still, might not be what the other person needs, but it’s going to get a much better response than simply walking out.

And if you know that hurts your partner and you’re doing it intentionally, it’s very cruel. That’s not a very nice thing to [00:08:00] do. We want to be able to work with our partners because we seem to find and partner with someone that activates all of these things in us, and it’s like they’re exquisitely chosen to really piss us off sometimes.

And there’s a funny irony that sometimes we’re attracted to our unfinished business or we marry or partner with.

Or as I’ve heard some people say, we partner with or marry with the next step in our psychological and emotional evolution. So this could be a really good growth opportunity for both of you to learn to grow and to heal together. So how do we break this cycle? If you’re listening to this, if you’re watching this and you are thinking, holy crap, that’s me, or us or my partner, what do you do differently?

You can’t fix your attachment style overnight. You might never be able to fix it. Starting to recognise the pattern is already a really big first step. Starting to name what’s happening is super important and [00:09:00] super helpful. So actually being able to say something like, when I texted you and you didn’t respond right away, I felt that as rejection, could I have a little bit of reassurance from you right now?

Or I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed, I need some time. Give me 20 minutes to take a shower or go for a walk and we’ll come back to the conversation starting to overt and explain and share what’s going on for you, your internal process, and if you get it wrong, because you probably will, that’s okay.

Repairing it afterwards. Coming back to that conversation, whether it’s a couple hours ago or a day ago or a week ago or a month ago and saying, Hey. When we had this conversation and I stormed off, I was actually really overwhelmed. What I did was also not appropriate or not. Okay. I’d like to revisit that and let’s have another conversation.

Let’s do a take two. Repairing is so important for building trust.

So if [00:10:00] you can take a moment to vocalise what your need is, that is going to be so much more helpful. If you’re the one who needs space, then saying how much space, how long, and when you will come back. That when you will come back to the conversation is the crucial bit. For the other person. Trying to ground yourself in those moments of anxiety and recognise what it is you actually need.

I’m feeling stressed and overwhelmed. I would like some reassurance. I find it really hard when you walk off. Can we sit together in silence and I’ll note I won’t talk anymore, or something like that. You can negotiate it and find your own rhythm, but being clearer on what you actually need and want is going to save you so much heartache.

These patterns are common, but they don’t have to keep you stuck. If you want to learn more, I have a downloadable about managing conflict and how to have difficult conversations in your relationship. You can find it in the link in the [00:11:00] show notes.

And if this gave you something to reflect on, share it with a friend or family member and let me know what you thought. I’d love to hear from you.