00:05 They were perfectly matched in so many ways. They had the same sense of humour, shared a love of weekend road trips, and could talk for hours about anything and everything.

00:16 It felt effortless, like they just got each other. But then, the cracks began to emerge. Pitch at this. At first, it was the little things, one person leaving dishes in the sink.

00:27 The other feeling like there was the only one doing the cleaning, a passing comment turned into a tense exchange, and soon, what started as frustration over dirty plates became a major issue, a deeper resentment about feeling unappreciated.

00:43 Or, perhaps an area two. One of them loved spending time together, spending evenings winding down with a movie or a long chat on the couch.

00:52 The other needed solo time after work to decompress. What seemed like a harmless difference became a constant source of conflict.

01:00 Why don’t you want to spend time with me versus why can’t I just have a moment to myself? Well, maybe our third scenario.

01:08 One of them thriving on social gatherings, always making plans and wanting to go out. The other preferred quiet nights at home, feeling drained by too many commitments.

01:18 At first, they made compromises, but over time it became a pattern. One feeling dragged along the other feeling they were constantly being rejected.

01:27 None of these arguments started out as major issues, but they built up over time because the truth is, conflict isn’t just about the service level disagreements, it’s about what’s underneath them.

01:40 Fighting about major life differences, differences in values, in dreams and in a vision of what you want out of life.

01:49 So, is fighting in a relationship a sign of trouble? I talk about this a little bit in a previous episode, and I’ll pop a link to that in the show notes.

01:57 But some people believe that the best relationships are the ones with our conflict, but the reality is disagreements are inevitable.

02:04 The key isn’t in avoiding them. It’s knowing how to handle them in a way that strengthens trust and connection rather than causing harm.

02:12 In this episode, I’m unpacking why conflict happens, how to tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy disagreements, and how to handle fights in a way that brings you closer, rather than pushing you apart.

02:25 Whether you find yourself avoiding conflict or getting stuck in repetitive patterns, this episode will give you a few tools and tips and tricks on how to handle disagreements in a way that brings you closer, not further apart.

02:37 So why does conflict happen? Every relationship involves two different people with unique perspectives, values and experiences. And differences can naturally cause friction, especially during stressful times, or when communication breaks down.

02:52 And then we have all these other external stresses. Work, finances, parenting, all of these things can amplify conflict. And I really love this quote by Dr.

03:04 Marion Solomon and Dr. Daniel Segal. The greater the intimacy with another person, the more likely that emotions, even archaic ones will emerge.

03:15 That when we’re really close to someone, it can evoke in us huge, old, big feelings. Sometimes it feels like they come out of nowhere.

03:25 And these past experiences and emotional triggers can shape how we respond to conflict. So healthy versus unhealthy conflict, what are we looking at here?

03:36 Healthy conflict focuses on connection, on problem solving and understanding. So connection is that big important piece there. It’s not about trying to win or trying to get it right or trying to get one over someone.

03:50 It focuses on connection, understanding and problem solving. Unhealthy conflict damages trust. It creates distance and fosters resentment. So in the Gotman approach, we have what we call the Four Horsemen of Conflict.

04:07 We have criticism, which is attacking your partner’s character instead of addressing a specific issue. So this is like, you’re an unkind, unthoughtful person, rather than saying, it hurt my feelings that you forgot my birthday.

04:22 Okay, so criticism is around attacking. Their character, contempt, is mocking or belittling, maybe even using sarcasm to make the other person feel small.

04:32 Defensiveness is around shifting blame or making excuses instead of taking responsibility. And then stonewalling, shutting down with drawing or refusing to engage in the conversation.

04:45 If we see one, two, three, four, Any of those four horsemen, the conflict has gone down a path that isn’t helpful, so it’s not looking in a healthy conflict.

04:56 What we want is the antidotes to those, so we want taking responsibility, expressing appreciation, using curiosity instead of judgment, and using a soft startup.

05:07 So when it comes to something like criticism, it’s being able to say, this behavior hurt my feelings, rather than, You never, or you always, anything that starts with you is probably going to be received as criticism.

05:22 And then you see you can go into this pattern where the other person, if they feel criticised, can get defensive, and then they shift the blame, or they attack back, and then you might get some stonewalling or someone storms out.

05:34 So we have all of those things as potential recipes for not a great conversation. I might do another episode on just the Four Horsemen at some point, but for now, that’s a little overview.

05:49 The deeper issues beneath fights, now many fights aren’t actually about what they seem. So arguing about the dishes might actually have nothing to do with the dishes, but might really be about feeling unappreciated.

06:03 Common hidden triggers that I see might be things like feeling dismissed, unheard, or unseen. Fears of not feeling, Valued or prioritised, maybe even unresolved wounds and hurts from past experiences or even past relationships.

06:21 Mr. Pearl says this really well, she captures it in this quote. What’s happening in the present resonates with something that’s already happened.

06:30 So we’re reliving our past experiences currently and all these things can be like little landmines that you might stumble over and trigger for each other.

06:41 So think about the examples that I mentioned earlier. On the first one, the household chores. On the surface, one partner feels like they’re doing more housework, while the other feels nagged or criticised.

06:53 These are just generally nature. But this could be more than just about dishes. It’s not just about cleaning. It could be about feeling valued and respected.

07:03 One partner might feel overwhelmed or unseen, wondering why do I have to take on all the mental load of remembering everything.

07:11 The other might feel like they’re never doing enough, no matter what they do, it’s just not good enough. Underneath that could be feelings of resentment, frustration, exhaustion, or fear of being taken for granted.

07:25 When we look at that example of quality time, that could be around different love languages and fear of disconnection. On the surface, one partner, once more time together, or the other partner needs space to recharge.

07:39 This is really about how each person gives and receives love. The person craving quality time together might feel unloved or unimportant when their partner chooses alone time.

07:50 The partner needing space might feel overwhelmed fearing that they’re losing their independence. They might be fighting about watching a movie or hanging out together, but underneath that is feeling unloved, rejected or suffocated.

08:05 And what about our third one? The social life. Clashes of social life. On the surface, one partner enjoys socialising, while the other partner prefers to stay in.

08:15 A deeper issue could be about balancing individuality with togetherness and managing expectations. The outgoing partner might feel like their excitement is being dismissed, thinking, why don’t they want to experience life with me?

08:29 The introverted part that might feel pressured or drained thinking, why can’t they just accept me as I am? Underneath that could be big feelings of disconnection, misunderstanding or feeling pressure to change.

08:43 And with our understanding these things, it can blow up into huge fights and each little thing can almost be symbolic of these deeper held beliefs.

08:54 So what do you do? How do you start to have these conversations? Pause before reacting, especially when emotions are high.

09:05 You might need to step away to self-regulate. And now often news at the analogy of like a snow globe, that when we’re feeling charged or overwhelmed or we’re feeling big feelings, it’s almost like you’ve shaken a snow globe.

09:19 And those little speckles of snow need some time to settle. It’s really hard to see clearly what’s impossible. We can’t say things that we mean.

09:29 We’re not in a position to have a good calm conversation. So if your brain has glittered, as I call it, if you’ve shaken that snow globe, if you’re flooded or flipped your lid.

09:40 You might need to step away to self-regulate, and you can do that by going for a walk, maybe having a shower, doing something that’s movement-based, not sitting there planning your counter-attack or your counter-argument, but actually spending some time to regulate your emotions.

09:57 Using my statement, so this is expressing feelings without blame. So instead of saying, you never do anything nice for me, it’s, I feel unloved when you forget important events.

10:10 It’s really bring it to how it feels, not you make me feel. It’s I feel. The third one, and this is really tricky for people, I see couples, families get this wrong all the time.

10:24 But the key is to listen to understand, not listen to interject, not listen to combat that or not listen to then say your piece.

10:36 It’s purely listen to understand. What their perspective is. Not trying to challenge that and say that wasn’t your intention, but just to understand.

10:46 Staying curious, rather than defensive, and focus on their perspective before sharing yours. The next one is to assume a positive intent.

10:56 That their actions, your partner’s actions, are often rooted in maybe stress, but not in an attempt to hurt you. That they might be overwhelmed, busy, not trying to ignore you or reject you.

11:08 So assuming that this person that you love and care about and spending time with has a good intention. Even if you can’t see it, it’s starting with that.

11:18 It’s assuming a positive intent. And then repair. How do you repair after that? It could be a small gesture like a hug.

11:27 It could be a heartfelt apology. And not just saying, well, I’m sorry for that. It’s, I realise how hurtful it must have been when I forgot to celebrate your birthday.

11:37 And I know that’s really important to you, and I’m sorry I didn’t do that, you know, to really acknowledging what happened, the role that you played, even if it wasn’t your intention, you empathise with their distress, with their feelings, and that can help deescalate tension.

11:55 So people fight for a number of reasons, and conflict can happen for a few different, there’s kind of a few themes here, there is power and control.

12:05 So it’s around who makes the decisions, maybe there’s financial priorities, parenting approaches. Okay, so people might be fighting over that, so it’s like, I feel like I have to justify every purchase.

12:17 Okay, so we have power and control. We have care and closeness, so desire for emotional, physical connection. Why do I always have to initiate time together?

12:27 Or respect and recognition, feeling unappreciate or overlooked? So you might hear things like you never acknowledge how much I’d do for this household.

12:35 So once you can start to identify what these core issues are, it can help shift the conversation towards solution rather than then defensiveness.

12:44 So how do you know it’s time to seek professional help? This is a trick you um, as a therapist I think, it’d be great if everybody did.

12:53 Therapy as like a tune up or a check-in, it could be a really amazing thing, but that’s not. Up everyone’s Ellie.

13:00 So when conflict is repetitive and it feels unresolved, that could be a chance to look into therapy. If arguments are frequent and they’re escalating into hurtful or toxic patterns, if you’re struggling to communicate without one or both of you shutting down, relationship counseling can help break negative

13:21 cycles and create new healthier ways to engage. But this one It involves a lot of couples therapy involves you changing.

13:31 So it’s not about going to therapy and thinking about all the ways in which your partner would like to change.

13:36 You would like them to change. It’s actually about what you can do different as well, how we can change these patterns together.

13:44 It’s not a pansy, it’s not going to fix everything. But it can work to give you some tools to communicate in a different way.

13:52 So fighting in a relationship doesn’t mean that it’s doomed. Conflict isn’t something to fear. It’s something to understand. When handled with care, it can actually deepen intimacy and strength in your connection.

14:06 The goal here isn’t to eliminate conflict, but to learn how to engage in it in a way that creates and fosters trust and understanding.

14:15 If today’s episode resonated with you, I’d love for you to share it with someone who might find it helpful. And if you haven’t already, make sure to subscribe and leave a review.

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14:49 Where I’ll share tools, tips, and insight. There’s a link in the show notes. Got a question you want answered? Shoot me an email or a DM.

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