Creating a sanctuary for connection with your teen
Parenting teens is no small feat. One moment, they’re chatty and playful; the next, they’ve got phones and seem to be always on them or are retreating to their room, slamming the door behind them. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Adolescence is a time of significant change, not just for your teen but for you as a parent. No matter how “prickly” things get, connection is a crucial part of any strong parent-teen relationship. I often see this connection erode over time, leaving parents asking questions like why won’t they talk to me or listen to me any more?
That’s where the idea of a safe sanctuary comes in.
What is a safe sanctuary?
A sanctuary is a safe, consistent ritual you share with your teen. Usually something they like, that’s non-negotiable, and is always available, even during challenging times. This part is crucial. It has to be there even when things have gone to crap. It’s not a physical place but a practice that reminds your teen, “I’m here for you, no matter what.” It can’t be taken away as punishment or used as leverage. Connection is a human need, not something to earn.
Parenting expert Maggie Dent highlights the power of consistent rituals in building strong relationships with teens. These don’t need to be grand or elaborate, a simple family dinner, weekly walk, or shared hobby can create a sense of safety and togetherness. Dent also discusses “micro-moments” of connection, like winking, sharing a joke, or a quick high-five, which acts as “love bridges,” reinforcing trust and mutual respect. One of the families I worked with used playing Monopoly as a safe sanctuary. They didn’t even realise that did this until we spoke about it. The simple act of their teen asking can we play monopoly was a sign they wanted to connect or talk about something.
Why do we need this?
Research and practical insights from paediatrician Dr Billy Garvey confirm that consistent connection with a trusted adult is one of the most significant protective factors for a teen’s mental health. Teens are often navigating big emotions like anxiety, low self-esteem, or even depression. One of Dr Garvey’s key messages is that “there’s no such thing as a bad child,” and that unconditional love and empathy are crucial in helping them thrive. I would like to add that teens are doing the best they can and they need someone in their corner.
The sanctuary ritual gives parents a way to support their teens emotionally and help them develop the skills to regulate their feelings. As parents, showing up consistently, even when your teen is struggling, sends the message: “You are loved, I’m here for you, no matter what.”
A sanctuary ritual doesn’t need to be fancy or time-consuming, you don’t even need to call it that. It just needs to be consistent, unconditional, and intentional.
How to get started?
Choose a ritual that interests them
Find something you both enjoy or can easily commit to. Be willing to mix things up as their taste and interests change. Maybe it’s a weekly walk with the dog, a drive where they pick the music, or baking muffins together. Keep it simple. It’s not about grand gestures but small, consistent moments of presence.
Make it non-negotiable
The sanctuary happens no matter what. If you’ve argued, if you’ve had a bad day, even if they’re grounded, the ritual stands. This consistency builds trust and reinforces that connection isn’t conditional.
Focus on connection, not correction
Sanctuary time isn’t for lectures, problem-solving, or rehashing past conflicts. It’s about being present with your teen listening, laughing, or even just sharing a comfortable silence.
Protect the ritual
Set boundaries around your sanctuary. Let other family members know it’s your time. Turn off phones, avoid interruptions, and show your teen that this moment is a priority.
Real-life examples
Here are some simple sanctuary ideas that other parents have found helpful
- Walking the dog: Whether it’s around the block or through the park, walking side by side can ease the pressure of face-to-face conversations.
- A drive with their music: Something as simple as letting them take charge of the playlist on a car ride can spark surprising conversations.
- Shooting hoops: Going to a park or the driveway and shooting netball or basketballs.
Why this works
Connection rituals work because they’re predictable and dependable. Teens are navigating a world that can be full of uncertainty, social pressures, school stress, and figuring out who they are.A sanctuary gives them a place of safety, a touch point to know you’re on their side. It’s also a way to role-model healthy relationships. When they see you prioritising connection over correction, they learn that relationships are built on trust, not control.
What if it doesn’t work right away?
It’s normal for teens to test boundaries or push back on the idea at first. That doesn’t mean it’s not working. Keep showing up. Over time, your consistency sends the message that they’re valued, even when things are hard.
Be vulnerable
Let them know that perhaps in the past things haven’t gone the way you wanted and you’d like a second chance. Share with them that it is awkward and can be uncomfortable and you’re trying to do something different.
Want more support?
Building connection with your teen can feel overwhelming, especially when emotions run high. My Connected Teens course is designed to help parents like you navigate these challenges with confidence and care. In the course, I’ll walk you through practical strategies for strengthening your bond and supporting your teen’s emotional well-being.