[00:00:00]  Have you ever had a reaction to your partner that just felt huge, like super big, and you don’t know where it came from?

Like a 10 out of 10 response to something small like maybe you are. Curled up in a ball crying and it was literally over your partner and I’m making your morning coffee and you thought, what the heck just happened? I don’t even know how it got so bad. You said something, they reacted, their reaction triggered something in you and all of a sudden shit’s hit the fan and your in tears and they’re like, I don’t know what just happened.

She’s being crazy. She’s being irrational. That’s not you. The healthy adult reacting that’s your wounded child, screaming for an unmet need. A part of you that didn’t get what it needed earlier on and now shows up in your relationship asking your partner to fix it.

I am Marie Vakakis couple and family [00:01:00] therapist, and today I’m going to walk you through how this shows up in your relationship, why your reactions sometimes feel bigger than the moment really calls for, and how to identify what that part of you is really asking for and what it looks like when you and your partner learn to respond to each other from a more secure place.

Welcome to this complex life where we get. Where today we’re diving into the messy, complicated topic of wounded children running havoc in our relationship.

When you find yourself arguing about something small, like who didn’t take the clothes out of the dryer or left them in the washing machine too long, and you know they’re gonna be kind of stinky, or you’re gonna have to wash them again, or maybe they just didn’t shake the T-shirt enough before they hung it, and it’s going to be kind of crinkly and really hard to iron.

And that turns into a huge fight. And before you know it, one person stomped off saying, nothing I do is ever good enough for you. And the other person’s like, would you just f and listen to me over laundry? Right. Makes no sense. And then they, [00:02:00] you might go to your friend thing. I don’t know why they won’t just do this.

And they can’t. They say this is important. And the other person’s like, everything I do, she criticises and we can’t get it right. And it’s not about the laundry. The intensity in your voice or the shutdown, or that reaction is older than this relationship. These are those moments where you feel out of control, like your emotions are taking over and leading you.

If you’re saying things like, you never listen to me and you’re raising your voice. Or I’m done. I can’t cope with this any longer. I’ve had enough in your raised voice and you’re feeling that feeling in the back of your throat, that tightness in your chest, that’s often coming from a childhood part, not the adult self.

Most people don’t realise that they are reacting from a younger version of themselves. Think about your last fight.

Was the feeling bigger than the situation called for?

I wanna share with you a story of a couple they were on [00:03:00] a trip having a great time. And then they had this huge fight and they were telling me about it and we were going through it and she couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t let her catch a taxi. Why was he being so frugal? It’s okay to just grab a taxi, make their life easier.

And he thought, nothing. I do’s ever good enough. She thinks I’m stupid. And. They were telling me this. Each one of them had such a different side to the story, and when we spoke about it in more detail, he likes having adventure and learning about a new place and walking around and was trying to figure out where to go.

So he was looking through the map and trying to figure out what’s the best way to get there, and she was like, let’s just make it easy. Let’s hop in the taxi. What he heard based on his childhood wounds was. You’re stupid. You can’t handle this. We’re going to get lost and it’s going to be your fault. And he reacted from that place.

What she heard was, you don’t deserve to have comfortable [00:04:00] things. You’re irresponsible with money, and neither was true. She thought she was being helpful by saying, Hey, let’s catch a taxi, and he was simply trying to figure out where to go and moving around the map and trying to get his bearings and was actually finding it.

A little bit stressful, but also part of the adventure. And each one was responding to a story that they had in their own head about how they saw themselves and how their parents responded to things when they were children, and they were in such a bad way after this fight that months later, we were still processing it in session because.

All of these things, all these stories had really shaped how that conversation progressed and how they went to talk about it afterwards.

That over the top reaction isn’t irrational. It’s deeply logical when you understand where it came from in childhood. We have some very core common needs, and if they went unmet, they show up in our adult life.

[00:05:00] We need safety to be seen and delighted in, to feel important, to be soothed, to be loved, and to be cared for. And if we don’t get those things. They impact us now. So for example, if you were dismissed as a child, you were told, go away, don’t be a bother. Or what you said was corrected or you were told, sit still, be quiet.

Don’t touch, don’t do this. You might react very strongly to tone. As an adult, you might see a neutral tone and interpret that as hostile or critical. If you had to keep the peace and had to tiptoe around your parents or get between your parents and another sibling, or between your parents, your system might shut down When tension arises, and there are so many examples like that, your partner isn’t parenting you.

They’re not there to parent you, but sometimes what we want from them is. A response that a child wants from a parent to be loved unconditionally, to be protected, to be grabbed and [00:06:00] hugged and saved. And sometimes they can’t do that. And the very way that we try to get our need met pushes them further away.

So your body might be asking them to meet a need for you that your parents couldn’t. When you feel an, when you feel anxious, rejected, or panicked in a fight, ask yourself, what does this part of me want right now?

When I see couples in my therapy room, and we talk about unmet needs, some of the biggest ones is around filling. Heard and seen, understood. And sometimes, but not always, it tends to be more guys. They feel criticised and like they can’t get anything, right? They either had overly critical parents or very absent parents, and so they have a deep need to be valued, to be appreciated, and so that can show up in a fight over the smallest thing, like hanging out the washing correctly.

So our attachment style [00:07:00] doesn’t just shape how you connect. It shapes how we fight. When we feel emotionally unsafe. Our nervous system reacts as if our ex, if we’re a child again, it’s like all the parts of us or passengers on a bus. And this child takes over the driver’s seat and they’re steering the bus all over the place, wrecking havoc, not paying attention, not following the road rules, and then.

We have to pick up the pieces, or sometimes we’ve done irreversible damage.

An anxious attachment style might lead you to chase needing immediate resolution or a loud protest and avoid an attachment might look like withdrawal, stonewalling, or numbing out. Those reactions are not just strategies, they’re survival instincts. And what’s worse, they trigger each other. You get louder.

They shut down. They shut down. You feel rejected or abandoned. You get louder. They withdraw even more. They withdraw. You’re trying to tell them, stay in this conversation with me. Why are [00:08:00] you ignoring me? The more you do that, the more they withdraw, and then they avoid the next conversation and then the next conversation, and it either keeps escalating or you stop talking to each other and sweep everything under the rug, leading to deep loneliness and resentment and maybe even contempt.

Until you can figure out and name what’s underneath you are going to be stuck in this same pattern.

It’s so helpful to start noticing the pattern and that you are both in it rather than blaming the other person. When you feel emotionally safe with your partner, the fight changes the. You can say, I feel hurt without needing to scream. They can say, I need space without it feeling like rejection, and you start seeing each other as allies rather than threats.

Your nervous system settles. That child part feels less panicked. Maybe it’s taken a seat in the back of the bus and put a seatbelt on, and it’s still there. It doesn’t go away, but it feels [00:09:00] safe. It feels contained, and then the adult can stay present and drive. . Real intimacy comes from knowing your wounds, knowing they’re allowed to exist, but they’re not driving the car, they’re not driving the bus, they’re not in control.

Secure relationships aren’t perfect. They’re just more regulated. And when I see couples get to this space, it is so lovely to see where someone can appreciate their partner’s need for some decompression time or some quiet time or some time to reflect, and they don’t see it as abandonment or withdrawal.

And the person who has those needs that they normally get through pursuing. You can ask for them a bit more explicitly, I need a bit of reassurance. And the pa, their partner can give it to them and they don’t have to have this big song and dance that accidentally pushes away the very thing that they need.

So what you can do, if this is you, this is you and your relationship, it’s okay. There are some things that you can do [00:10:00] that can help change the direction of your fights. Start by noticing when your feeling feels familiar. There’s a saying that I came across, I can’t remember where, but I absolutely love it

if you’re hysterical, it’s historical. Now. It’s probably not the best terminology. I don’t like using hysterical, but it just rhymes with, you know, the hh, so it feels good. Hysterical, historical. So if your feelings are big and loud and out of control, there’s a chance, it’s a historical thing that’s been triggered not in the present moment.

Hysterical, historical. Pause and name that feeling with your partner. Try asking yourself, what is it that I really need right now? Is it to be heard? Is it reassurance? And then you can even say, this feels bigger than it should. I think it might be about something else. And ask your partner, can we slow this down?

I want to respond not to react. And remember, the goal isn’t to be healed in a relationship that partners aren’t there to heal or the broken hurt parts of us. The goal is to be aware [00:11:00] enough to not put your wounded child in charge of your adult intimacy. And if you want to learn more, I have my conflict downloadable that you can get.

It’ll be in the show notes, and I’d love to hear from you,

how have you navigated those wounded parts of you? What have you found helpful?

So you can see that our wounded child can really wreck havoc on our relationships. If you and your partner are in, in this dance and trying to figure it out, it’s okay. Take it slow, take a breath and ask yourself, what’s this really about? What do I want here? Thanks for listening.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of this Complex Life, and if you have a question that you want answered, there’s a link in the show notes to an Ask Marie. It can be anonymous, but I’d love to hear from you. I’d love to hear your questions or any feedback you have about the show. Take care now. Bye.