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Why Do We Keep Having the Same Fight?
We all want to feel heard and understood in our relationships. But when the same arguments keep coming up, it can feel exhausting and even hopeless. Avoiding conflict might seem like the easiest option, but unresolved issues don’t just go away. Instead, they build up over time, creating distance and resentment.
In this episode, I explore why conflict is a normal part of any relationship and how the way we handle it makes all the difference. Conflict isn’t a sign that something is wrong. It can actually be a sign of a strong, healthy relationship when managed well. I share why small miscommunications can turn into bigger issues, how curiosity and empathy can change the way we argue, and what really matters when it comes to repairing after a fight.
Does avoiding conflict make a relationship stronger?
Many people believe that avoiding conflict will keep the peace, but this is one of the biggest misconceptions in relationships.
Conflict is inevitable. No matter how much you love each other, there will always be differences in values, personalities and preferences. What matters is how these differences are handled.
Research from the Gottman Institute shows that about 70 percent of relationship conflicts are ongoing. These aren’t issues with a simple solution. They are based on fundamental differences that will always exist. It could be different opinions on spending money, how to spend the holidays or whether one person loves to plan and the other prefers to be spontaneous.
When conflict is avoided, small frustrations turn into long-term resentment. The goal isn’t to prevent disagreements but to learn how to handle them in a way that strengthens trust and connection.
Why do small fights turn into bigger problems?
Most arguments aren’t really about what they seem to be. The fight might start over something small, like not responding to a message or forgetting to book a restaurant, but underneath that, there is often something much deeper. One person might be feeling unimportant or like their needs aren’t being considered.
It’s never just about the spreadsheet, the dishes or whose turn it is to put the bins out. These everyday frustrations often tap into bigger emotions about fairness, appreciation and feeling valued. When those emotions aren’t acknowledged, the conversation escalates into defensiveness, blame and shutting down.
What makes conflict healthy in a relationship?
Conflict isn’t about winning. It’s about understanding. Instead of focusing on proving a point or getting a partner to agree, the most successful couples focus on learning about each other’s perspectives. The way conflict is handled has a direct impact on the level of trust in a relationship.
One of the biggest predictors of a strong relationship isn’t how often a couple fights, but how well they repair after a disagreement.
The happiest couples don’t avoid conflict. They take responsibility for their part in the argument, acknowledge how their behaviour impacted the other person and find ways to reconnect.
A simple I’m sorry isn’t enough. The words you choose, the tone you use and the way you listen all play a role in whether a fight strengthens or weakens a relationship. Repair doesn’t mean ignoring the problem or pretending it didn’t happen. It means recognising what went wrong and making an effort to approach it differently next time.
How can couples navigate conflict better?
- Approach conversations with curiosity rather than defensiveness. Instead of asking how to get a partner to agree, ask what can be learned from their perspective
• Pay attention to tone. A genuine apology feels very different from a rushed I said I’m sorry
• Recognise what’s underneath the argument. People fight for different reasons, whether it’s to be right, to feel connected or to feel in control
• Focus on repair after conflict rather than avoiding it altogether. Small moments of reconnection build trust over time
• If conflict is always avoided, have an open conversation about why and what makes it feel uncomfortable
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[00:00:00] We keep having the same fight over and over again. I don’t feel heard. They don’t listen to me. Even the strongest relationships struggle when communication breaks down. And the good news is, conflict isn’t necessarily the problem. It’s how we navigate it that makes a difference.
And I want to talk about conflict and fighting. This is not about whether fighting is good or bad. I actually think conflict is really normal and healthy. It’s how we do it that’s really important. In this episode, I’m going to share with you why conflict is actually a sign of a strong relationship when it’s handled well, how small miscommunications can snowball into bigger problems, the role and importance of curiosity, empathy, and connection in resolving tension. And I’ll give you a few kind of tips and tricks along the way to help you improve communication and build trust.
[00:01:00] Let’s dive right in.
Now, I’ve been on a bit of a couples therapy relationship deep dive in the last year or so after going through my Gottman level three training and working towards my certification. So I’m on the certification track. It’s a whole other thing. I’ve been reading books, listening to content, and I’ve been in the thick of it now for a little while.
Conflict is one of those things that I find really interesting. A lot of people I know are very conflict avoidant. They have a lot of anxiety when it comes to conflict and they think it means things are bad or that it’s going to blow out into a fight or a heated debate. And maybe sometimes it can be a debate.
[00:02:00] Some people are quite comfortable in that space and some aren’t. And this can cause really big concerns for some people in relationships because they’re not resolving things. Everyday, small, you know, niggly things can become huge issues without understanding what’s going on. So conflict is inevitable.
Difference is inevitable. You have two brains, it may be under one roof, but something’s going to go wrong. You’re going to have a different preference. A lot of people wrongly assume that avoiding conflict keeps a relationship peaceful. But in reality, these unspoken frustrations build up over time.
[00:03:00] As I was sharing in a recent course that I ran, Relationship Refresh, we talked about conflict being a key component of trust. Being able to talk about what’s bothering you and bringing that to your partner actually helps build trust over time because you can trust that they will tell you when something’s not going OK.
They trust you to hold that space for them. And then you trust that the relationship can repair from that as well. So it’s really, really important to know how to handle conflict properly. We need to start seeing conflict as an opportunity.
[00:04:00] Research from the Gottman Institute shows that about 70 percent of conflicts in relationships are perpetual. Think about that—about 70 percent of the conflicts that you have are going to be there forever. They are basic differences in personality, in values, and in life perspectives rather than solvable problems.
This might be, you know, introvert vs. extrovert. It might be a vegan with a meat eater. It could be different religious backgrounds. It could be how you value spending money, whether you want to save it or spend it. It could be whether you like a minimalist interior design or something with lots of color. You’re going to have these differences that are going to be there forever.
[00:05:00] Someone might want a holiday where they relax by a pool, and the other, like me, wants to hike mountains. That’s going to be a perpetual difference. How you have those conversations as they come up is really, really important. The goal isn’t to win an argument but to better understand each other, and that builds deeper trust.
Instead of asking yourself, “How do I get my partner to agree with me?” try asking, “What can I learn from their perspective?”
[00:06:00] Now, a happy relationship is not one without fights. One of the keys to having a happy and healthy relationship is ensuring repair happens after a fight. The most successful couples—the ones we look up to—have small, meaningful moments that they use to reconnect after conflict.
They might recap the conversation, acknowledge what they’ve contributed, or say something like, “I’m sorry I raised my voice.” They take responsibility for their part in the conflict. If that feels appropriate, the words you choose matter, and so does your tone. The way you listen matters.
[00:07:00] Simply saying, “Well, I’m sorry,” is not going to work. I see this all the time in my couples therapy practice. People say, “But I said I’m sorry!” and I ask them, “How did you say it?” They respond, “Well, like that—I said, ‘I’m sorry.'” That’s not enough.
[00:08:00] A genuine apology recognises the impact of your behavior on your partner. Even if your intention wasn’t to disappoint them, acknowledging their disappointment and hurt is key. This opens the door for meaningful repair.
Some people fight because they want to be correct, some because they want connection, and some because they want control. Recognising what’s underneath the fight can help you better understand each other.
[00:09:00] If you’re avoiding conflict, ask yourself why. What is it about conflict that makes you uncomfortable? What are you afraid of? Having this conversation with your partner can help you both understand each other better.
[00:10:00] It’s never really about the spreadsheet, the dishes, or forgetting to book a restaurant. It’s about what those things represent. Taking the time to unpack these emotions and communicate with curiosity can prevent small conflicts from escalating.
[00:12:00] Conflict isn’t about winning. It’s about understanding. Communication takes practice, just like any other skill. It’s teachable and learnable. You can read books, listen to podcasts, and observe those who communicate well.
[00:14:00] What’s one small action you can take today to improve communication in your relationship? I’d love to hear from you. Reach out to me, and if you have a question that you want answered on the podcast, get in touch.
