00:04 Have you ever found yourself wondering, should we be having more sex or quietly comparing your relationship to what you think other couples are doing behind closed doors?

00:14 This episode is for anyone and everyone who’s ever felt the awkward tension of mismatched desire, the sting of rejection or the quiet guilt of not wanting sexes often as they think they should.

00:27 As a therapist, I have sat with so many couples who are deeply connected, love each other, and yet still struggle in this part of their relationship.

00:36 And often what’s underneath the surface isn’t about libido or performance, sometimes it can be, but it’s often about things like stress, emotional safety, unspoken resentment, or simply not understanding how desire actually works.

00:50 Today, I want to explore what it really means To not be having enough sex, how responsive desire shows up in long-term relationships, and why your sex life doesn’t have to look a certain way to be healthy.

01:02 We’ll talk about what gets in the way of desire, how shame plays a role, and why sometimes a great relationship has very little sex, and sometimes a lot of sex happens in relationships that don’t feel so great.

01:13 This is a no-shame real talk episode because sex is just one part of how we connect, and we need more honest, open, compassionate conversations.

01:22 About this topic that many of us find really awkward and don’t know how to talk about. Let’s get right into it.

01:27 Feeling like you’re not having enough sex is actually a common experience, but often it’s kept quiet and these myths, misconceptions, beliefs, they can come from us a whole bunch of places.

01:39 I can remember early late teens reading Cosmo and Cleo and there was always talk about sex and, That’s how we learned about stuff, right?

01:49 It was from magazines or TV shows and movies. My sex ed classes were very awkward and very perfunctory and about reproduction and somewhere in, I think it was like year 11 or 12, health classes and elective.

02:03 We learned about, well, I guess, pregnancy by watching a video of someone give birth, which was pretty much implying this is going to hurt.

02:11 Don’t have unprotected sex because you might have a baby. And it was really graphic, very uncomfortable video, not talking about childbirth and teaching people about their bodies and what might happen, but it’s kind of a, I guess, a strategy to try and get us not to have sex.

02:25 So we don’t have a lot of experience that is, you know, information that is real and honest, and we just don’t know.

02:33 So we have these ideas of what a frequency should be. How many times is normal or what’s normal? And if you think that you’re not in that normal, And if this was a video you’d see me quote normal, it can trigger shame, fear, and sometimes even a sense of rejection.

02:51 And for a lot of couples when I work with them, they might ask like, what’s a normal amount? And there’s no normal amount.

02:57 For someone it might be, once a day, for someone else it might be once a month, there is no normal.

03:03 It’s not about frequency. For most people, it’s about connection, closeness, or unmet needs. So a number, just ticking a number of a box or, you know, like another checklist, it does not help you feel connected or close or have those needs that might be around.

03:21 When couples are not having the kind of sex life that they want or hope for, I often hear people say things like, they’re just not into me.

03:31 What am I doing wrong? And they put a lot of meaning and judgment behind. That lack of sex in their relationship.

03:42 And for a lot of people, it’s around rejection. And I want to talk a little bit about the types of desire in just a moment, but there seems to be a really big myth around having to be spontaneous and you look at someone and you’re just full of desire and lustful and Everything else just works and if 

04:00 it doesn’t go like that then and you have to initiate it that something’s wrong. And so there’s a lot of these myths around not just the frequency of sex, but how it happens, how it unfolds, how it’s initiated.

04:14 And it can be a really hard topic to talk about at the best of times. I’ve been reflecting on some of the work that I do with the couples I work with and throughout this series on couples and relationships.

04:25 One of the Common things I see is people ask for what they want as a criticism. So they’re really not asking for what they want.

04:32 They think they are, but they’re criticising. So for example, and I’ll take it out of the bedroom for a moment, but it might be, let’s say you really want your partner to make you dinner on a Sunday night.

04:44 So instead of saying, babe, I’d love it if you could make roast chicken on a Sunday, they might say something like, you never cook for me.

04:53 And that’s not Asking for you on. So if we can’t do that well when it’s not a very awkward topic, like it’s just a earth chicken or just the dinner and that already feels hard, this is going to be even harder when it’s about sex because we don’t like to talk about it.

05:09 We feel like it’s awkward. Most of us don’t have a very good vocabulary and It might trigger a lot of rejection in the other person or fear of rejection, they might get defensive, there might be criticism, and then it’s going to shut the whole conversation down.

05:24 And so this is a really important bit is to start to learn how to talk about what is bothering you or how to ask for what you want without it being a critical or blaming thing for your partner.

05:37 So for a lot of couples, this is really, really hard. Outside of that, a lot of people just don’t know how to talk about this.

05:44 They don’t even know how to have a conversation about what does sex mean to them. How do they define sex?

05:51 Does that look like penetrative sex or does it look like oral sex or does it look like some sort of stimulation or using sex toys?

06:00 What is considered sex? What other things? What are the options on the menu? And some people have never even had those conversations before.

06:09 That would be a really good place to start, is asking yourself those questions in the relationship. What does it mean to you?

06:16 What does it look like? That is a really good place to start. I have no regrets. Let’s bring it back.

06:21 So, what does not enough sex actually mean? And who decides what’s enough? That’s a conversation to have with a couple, within the couple, with your partner.

06:30 And even asking, you know, if you’re really talking about what the sex mean to you and how do you feel, and if it’s around closeness and connection.

06:37 Then it’s also worth talking about and what other ways help you feel that way, what other things in our relationship help you feel that way, because there’ll be times where maybe from post-childbirth or medication side effects or physical health conditions there might be times where it’s just not possible

06:56 and you don’t want to take Everything off the table, you might be able to still feel connected in other ways or you might be able to feel close or feel loved in other ways that have nothing to do with sex.

07:09 So having a conversation about what doesn’t mean to you, what do you get out of it can be really helpful.

07:14 And even under what condition I know some people when they’ve had a bad day, they might like sex as a way to decompress.

07:21 And for other people when they’ve had a bad day, their stress levels are so high that’s the last thing they can imagine doing.

07:27 So even having a conversation around what context makes this possible for you. And we’ll talk about that in just a moment.

07:36 So there are so many myths about desire and long-term relationships. And many people believe that if you truly in love desire should always be there.

07:44 And I think that’s a very dangerous thing to, to just expect because love and desire aren’t always, don’t always go hand in hand.

07:53 And even with love and even with desire there might still not be action. Or desire might not be spontaneous. And I’m going talk about responsive and spontaneous desire in just a moment.

08:04 So holding onto this people, if they loved me and they desired me, then we should be having this. That’s a very risky formula to have in your mind.

08:12 And there’s always nuance to that. So being able to have a conversation about what that is for you is so important.

08:19 Another myth that I hear a lot is that long-term relationships naturally go through seasons and desire can fluctuate. And I think there can be some truth to that desire can fluctuate and relationships go through ebbs and flows and We can’t always expect things to just happen.

08:37 They take time, they take planning, they take organising, and things need to be prioritised if they’re important in the relationship.

08:46 Conversations around that need to happen to understand how to make it work. So if having an active sex life is important to both of you, then having a conversation about, like I said earlier, what that means, what that looks like, and then what needs to happen to make that possible.

09:03 And over to have those honest conversations. And if it does fluctuate, it doesn’t mean that something’s wrong. It might just mean that things have changed.

09:12 So being able to have a way to talk about it with each other and be honest and open and create an environment that feels emotionally safe is very important.

09:21 And in one of the episodes I made a comment around, you know, I don’t think if you can’t talk about sex, you probably shouldn’t have it.

09:27 And the podcast guest was like, well, then no one would be having it. You know, I kind of get that, which is kind of true, but it’s also sad that if you can’t have a conversation about what it is, how it feels to you, what you like, what you don’t like, I don’t know, it seems a bit odd that you could

09:44 just jump into it and have no idea that it’s what you wonder what your partner wants or being able to tell them what feels good, and I know it’s deeply vulnerable, I know it’s deeply uncomfortable, and yet it’s so important and it can put people at such risk of Pain or discomfort being taken advantage

10:03 of without having those conversations. So we need to get more comfortable having these tough conversations because those myths that we have, those expectations, we carry them with us into relationships about how sex should look like, how it should work and they’re not always true.

10:19 So when I work with couples, we spend some time trying to reframe what is normal. We talk about all of these things that I’m mentioning and Some people have never had these conversations before.

10:31 They’ve never known what their partner likes. Sometimes they don’t even know what they like. And so if you don’t know what you like, how can you even ask for it?

10:39 It’s really unfair on a partner to just be fumbling around hoping that they randomly hit the right spot that feels good for you.

10:45 So understanding yourself and being able to talk about what feels good is so important. And talking about what impacts that as well.

10:53 So life changes like Parenting stress, health, like I mentioned earlier, medication, side effects, cancer treatments, there’s so many things that could impact someone’s ability to have such paramanopause, hormone levels, so many things.

11:08 So having conversations about that is really, really important. And I mentioned the term earlier, responsive and spontaneous desire. And I first came across these terms in Emily Nagoski’s book, Come As You Are.

11:21 And it’s a fantastic book, if you want to learn a little bit more about Sex, and it’s fantastic. I really, really highly recommend it and a lot of the sex therapists I talk about really recommend Emily’s book as well, and there’s her second book come together, which I’ll talk about.

11:35 Perhaps some other time. So as Emily describes them, we’ve got spontaneous desire and responsive desire and spontaneous desire happens without prompting.

11:43 It’s the kind of desire that we usually see portrayed in the media, seems to come out of nowhere, it’s experienced at the drop of a hat, and it’s sparked by even the smallest thing.

11:54 And a lot of people will experience this type of desire at some point in their lives, maybe even more so at the start of relationships.

12:02 But if you don’t, that does not mean there’s no spark in the relationship. That does not mean that there’s something wrong with you.

12:09 Not having that spontaneous desire at any point, no, that giddy cravings or that spontaneous kind of desire and wanting, doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong.

12:21 It doesn’t mean that, you know, we don’t want it enough. If we have to put in any preparation or planning, that doesn’t mean anything’s wrong or broken.

12:30 If spontaneous desire doesn’t just happen out of the blue or without effort or preparation on a regular basis, that doesn’t mean that anything’s wrong.

12:39 Responsive desire, it can emerge after intimacy. But this is more the kind of desire that it doesn’t seem to come out of nowhere.

12:47 It’s the response to a rousal. So what this means is that someone might decide to engage in sexual activity before they get turned on and then their desire emerges as a result of that process.

13:00 A lot of people, including many women, experience desire this way. So as you see, contrary to Many beliefs or portrayals of what we’ve seen sex, desire doesn’t need to be present to lead to sex.

13:12 Desire might be the spark, but also starting the process can create that desire. So if we have this belief, which is a myth, some people’s bodies just do not work that way.

13:25 If we think that our partner, just because they don’t spontaneously want us out of the blue without effort or preparation on a regular basis, then they don’t want us enough.

13:36 That is going to set you up and your partner up for heartache and it’s going to set the relationship up for failure.

13:43 Maybe not the whole relationship, but it’s going to set them up for failure on this particular part. So we have to break that myth that it needs to be spontaneous because both a normal spontaneous desire and responsive desire, both a normal, both a healthy and neither is better than the other.

14:00 So understanding this can take the pressure off both partners and having a conversation about your desire levels and if you are responsive, what it takes to get you in the mood, what is the context, what is the environment, what is helpful for that.

14:20 And if you want some really good tips, go read the book. It’s got some really fantastic things and some activities that you can do there as well.

14:28 And the second thing, probably the last thing I want to talk about for this episode, and I’m going to do a follow-up on this, I think, because it’s such a juicy topic.

14:36 Following on from the spontaneous and responsive desires, the idea of the dual control model. And this is around Emelena Gosta, talk about in her book, and, She calls them accelerators and breaks.

14:48 So she talks about desire being affected by context, which is what’s going on in your body, your mind, and your environment.

14:55 Now, accelerators are your turn-ons and breaks are your turn-offs. A lot of couples have too many breaks on, right? So they have so many things that are turn-offs.

15:06 This can be stress, resentment, body image concerns, distractions, mental load. And so you might Be a person that has a lot of attraction for your partner, a lot of desire.

15:19 But that can be reduced, that capacity because of so many breaks. And so you might start thinking about it within your relationship.

15:28 What are some of the common breaks that get in the way for you? What are the things, you know, is it having too much to do?

15:35 Is it a messy house? Is it being too full after a big dinner? Is it when you haven’t connected with your partner emotionally?

15:43 Is it Things that work those stressing you out are their health conditions. There might be a lot of things that are pushing the break really hard, that require the foot to be taken off that.

15:54 So having a conversation about breaks and accelerators can be really helpful there. So one way to do this is you can go to Emeline Garcia’s website and there’s a whole bunch of worksheets.

16:06 They do make more sense if you read them. In conjunction with the book, if you complete the worksheets. But one of the helpful ways is to start thinking about your context.

16:16 Okay, so this is your environment, what’s happening for you? And context is not just like where you live, like your physical house, but its context is cultural beliefs around sex, agenda, ideas, beliefs, myths, misconceptions, how you’re supposed to act, what it should be like.

16:33 If it’s out of marriage, is there religious oversight in them? The context is all of that. It’s all that intersectionality.

16:41 That’s really important. And then we start to break down more of the specifics. So what are some of the turn-offs and turn-ons?

16:51 And then with your partner, you can start to talk about these as what are some ways that we can buffer those turn-offs.

17:00 What would you like to be different? How can we navigate those? And some questions to consider might be things like, how can we create more time for sex?

17:11 What would give you more energy for sex? How would you initiate it? How do you like it to be initiated?

17:19 And get rid of this myth that if it’s not spontaneous, that it’s somehow flawed or not great. And a lot of people use the analogy of a gym and I think I do too.

17:28 I never wake up thinking. Yes, amazing, I can’t wait to get to the gym. I book it in my diary, I get up, I go to the gym and when I’m there I feel really great.

17:39 And that’s sort of like that responsive desire, like I put myself in the environment, I get through the motions and then I enjoy it afterwards.

17:49 And at any point I can turn around and go home, I can stop. So having those conversations can be really helpful for you and your partner.

17:58 So I wanted to leave it there. This will be one of a couple of episodes on this topic. But if you’ve got any questions that you want answered, send me an email, DM me, we can complete the anonymous feedback form on the website, whatever feels good for you.

18:12 I would love to hear and I’d love to answer your questions about relationships, mental health, wellbeing, all of that stuff.

18:19 Let me know what would be helpful and go forth and have some of these awkward, yes, awkward conversations. Be able to go see what happens.

18:32 Thank you for listening. To keep the conversation going, head on over to Instagram or LinkedIn and follow me. If you’d like to keep updated with episodes and other interesting things happening in mental health, join my weekly, this complex life newsletter.

18:45 Where I’ll share tools, tips and insight. There’s a link in the show notes. Got a question you want answered? Shoot me an email or a DM.

18:52 I’d love to hear from you. And if you enjoy the show, I’d really appreciate it if you could leave a rating in a review.

18:57 It helps other people find the podcast.