[00:00:00] Rejection is something we all feel, last week I talked about rejection in everyday life, friendships that kind of feel shaky. The jobs you don’t get, the times when people pull back or we think they’re pulling back and how our brain quickly fill in the blanks with painful stories. I explored why rejection hurts so much and some practical ways to cope.

In this episode, it’s a follow on from that. Part two, I want to focus on rejection in parenting. This is something I often hear from families, and it happens a lot when children shift from becoming children into teenagers and start to need more independence. They want more time with their friends, they want less of you.

And for parents that can feel like being shut out or no longer needed.. And today I want to look at why that happened, what it means for your relationship, and how you can respond in ways that protect connection rather than make the [00:01:00] gap wider.

If you missed the first part, that’s okay. You can check it out later. It doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t listen to today’s episode. In today’s episode, I wanted to talk about the rejection that parents often feel as their child. Turns into a teenager as they start to need them less, want them around less and maybe start to phase them out of being involved in their life.

This has been a topic that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. It comes up a lot in the work that I do with adolescents in my therapy work at the Therapy Hub, and it’s also something that I talk to parents about in the various parenting courses. I’ve just been running, tuning into teens and the Connected Teens program and dealing with rejection is a really big component in a number of parenting programs, and I wanted to talk a little bit about it. And one of the challenges that parenting teenagers comes with is. The ability [00:02:00] or figuring out a way to manage one’s own reactions, especially when they say things like, you don’t understand me, or So and so’s parents, does it this way, or No one is listening to me, or I just feel so alone.

And I see that for parents, this just feels crushing. Especially if their child is saying things like, no one understands me, and I just don’t feel like I’ve got anyone to talk to. And their parents are there sort of jumping up and down saying, I’m here for you. You can talk to me. And the teenagers don’t want to.

And so I wanted to start with what is expected during this time of life when we are looking at that kind of change from being a teen, uh, being a child, you know, maybe 10 or 11, starting to get into those tween years. You know, puberty starting to hit. There’s changes in friendship groups. There’s moved to high school and [00:03:00] that starts to see some, we start to see some changes there in families.

And it’s a natural process for teens to want to assert their independence. They, they need to, they have to. It’s part of being, growing up into being an adult, into individuating, into finding a way to manage their own autonomy and to be the person that’s. They want to be to explore who they are to explore their identity.

And this can make parents feel rejected or unneeded. And I use that phrase that if you’ve listened to the podcast for a while, you might have heard me talk about this idea of moving from manager to consultant. And when you’re a. When they’re a child, when they’re younger, you need them in that. They need you in that management role.

They want you there. They want you to organise, play dates and events and, and things to do. And then somewhere, somehow you get fired from that role. And some parents deal with this like they would in a, in a workplace, [00:04:00] they sue for unfair dismissal. They spend ages in litigation and they keep fighting to keep their position.

Some will just say, well, stuff you, you, I don’t need you anyway, and, and leave. What we want to see is being invited back in as the consultant and recognising. That, that’s a very important and necessary role, and the position description just looks different. And that can be a really tough thing for some parents to grapple with, especially if they’ve felt like they’ve put in a lot of work or sacrificed a lot of things for their children, as many parents do.

Maybe they’ve taken time off work, maybe they’ve sacrificed, um, things that they want to send them to particular schools or extracurricular activities, and then all of a sudden their kids are like, yeah, now I wanna hang out with my friends. That can be incredibly painful and it’s a normal feeling. What I wanna encourage people to do is to think about [00:05:00] how you respond.

So in order to think about that, it’s worth taking a moment to think about what do you experience when you, when your child’s rejecting you, or what feels like rejection. And it could be something as it, it varies for people. So it could be that they no longer wanna drop you off, want you to drop them off at the school.

They might say, no, can you park around the corner? And that might fill you with rejection. It could be that they used to, used to help get your help to, uh, braid their hair. And all of a sudden they’re like, no, no, I can, I can do this myself. I don’t need you. Maybe they used to come to you to help get help with their homework or to problem solve something, and they’re giving it a go on their own.

So think about what are the particular situations that trigger that for you, and then what happens for you? Is it sadness? Is it loneliness? Is it [00:06:00] frustration? What? What are the things that happen for you when those instances occur? Because. How you feel really shapes how you respond. Because if your reaction is, if you are hurt and you respond from that position, it’s really going to change the relationship.

So if your young person doesn’t want you to, you know, drop them off right in front of the school gate and you say, well. Stuff you then you need to catch the bus or I do so much for you and you don’t even want me to come to the school. What are you embarrassed of me? If that starts to become a big thing, it might shape how they feel about talking to you about things they feel responsible for your reactions, and that’s not what we want.

That’s not a healthy dynamic. We want children to feel like they have to be responsible for their parents’ feelings because they don’t make you feel a certain way. You feel a certain way based on your interpretation of their actions, so they don’t [00:07:00] make you feel rejected. You feel rejected when they do X, Y, Z.

And that can be a really tricky distinction. So we don’t want them to feel like they’re, you know, responsible for everything. And I see this show up, especially when it’s with wanting to hang out. So if a parent wants to hang out with their kid and they’re saying something like, oh, it’s so nice of you to finally grace us with your presence.

Yeah. That, that’s not gonna make you wanna hang out more. That’s often coming from parents feeling disconnected or wanting to spend time with, with their, their children. The children hear that as they’ve done something wrong, they feel criticised again, they feel shame, and they’re like, well, why would I wanna hang out with you if you’re guilty me into this and that the root of that might be that you feel rejected because you want connection, you want to be involved.

And that triggers something for you. So have a think about what those experiences are and then how [00:08:00] it shows up, and then what you do, what how you respond. And it might be that you can have this honest conversation with them. You might say, oh, I responded this way yesterday and. I really wanted to say I’m sorry because that wasn’t your fault and I felt like in that moment I was losing you and I wanted to be closer.

I wanna apologise for how I handled that. It’s still very appropriate to apologise and take accountability for those reactions, and then if that event that requires further follow up in terms of their behavior or something practical that needs to be done, definitely problem solve it. Boundary set it.

You can do all of that stuff. If you want children to show accountability, they need to witness it and they need to experience it, and they need to see people have the language to talk about it, and they see that you can repair a rupture or you can repair after conflict, that’s a really valuable [00:09:00] skill for them to observe.

So you can start by modeling that. If it’s something like the hanging out and wanting to do stuff on the weekend and they’re not, and you can feel yourself going to that place where you’re like, Ooh, it’s so nice of you to finally hang out with us, or, or, we’re, we’re, we’re not good enough for you anymore.

Those kind of comments. Underneath that is often a desire to connect, but that can come across in a really passive, aggressive way. It’s not clear, it’s not actually letting them know what you want. Confusing them. It can make them have to try and read between the lines, if that’s something that you do.

It’s not to shame you, it’s just thinking about how else could you deliver that message? What is it that you’re trying to achieve? And if it is connection, that’s probably not gonna be a tool that gets you there. So I encourage you to think about, well, what can you do? And perhaps it is saying, Hey, I feel like we don’t get to hang out much anymore.

I’d really like to spend some time together. Can [00:10:00] you carve out three hours over the weekend and let me know a couple of activities you’d like to do? It’s really about meeting them where they’re at. So phrasing it like that, you’re more likely to get some buy-in and keep that relationship tact but intact.

Keeping those lines of communication open is really important and how to foster that connection is through these small actions, is through those repairs. It’s through letting them know that you’re still there and trying not to take some of those developmental, appropriate developmental milestones as personal attacks that they don’t want you or they don’t need you.

Your role is changing and that makes total sense. And sometimes, well, teenagers can be quite prickly, can’t they? I mean, we all can at sometimes, but they can make some really hurtful comments. They, Kate can say things like, stop lecturing me, or, I don’t need your help. And that can feel really hurtful when you’re looking [00:11:00] around thinking, I don’t know what I’ve done.

I just feel like I’ve poked a bear. It’s important to remember. All feelings are fire. We don’t wanna tell them off for how they feel. There might be a time where you say, actually, it’s not okay to speak to me that way, but they are going through a lot. And in those moments it can be really helpful to take a breath check in with your own response.

And even if they’ve said something like, oh, I hate you, breathe and think, what’s going on here? Okay, they’re disappointed, they’re angry, they’re hurt. Try and identify what’s happening for them and maybe share that. So you could say something like, I could say you’re really angry with me. Yeah. It feels really unfair that I’ve set these boundaries and expectations.

The tone matters here. It’s very important to watch what you’re saying and the tone. It’s not just the same as saying, I can see you’re really mad at me right now. That’s not gonna help. But saying, [00:12:00] I can see you’re really disappointed. I can see I’ve really upset you. That might be it. That might be as much as you can get until things cool down.

It might be helpful to say things like, I can see you’re pretty annoyed right now. I’m happy to listen, but if you want some space, we can talk about it later or another time. Trying not to add too many questions is really helpful. So if you’re like, what’s wrong? Tell me what have I done? Is it me? Is there something wrong?

Is there something that’s those? That’s just way too many things. Trying to check in with yourself. Remember, take a breath, try and read the emotion behind those comments. Label that emotion. I can see you’re angry if you start defending yourself. If they’ve said you promised you would be here for my netball game.

And you are sitting there saying, well, I had to work late and I can’t always be there for you. And you know, we, bills money just doesn’t grow on trees. And you start talking about all that stuff. That still might be true. Yes, money [00:13:00] doesn’t grow on trees, and yes, you had to work. But in that moment we didn’t wanna prioritise the connection.

And it’s, I think about a different way of saying that. Saying something like, I can see you really disappointed you wanted me to be there. I’ll let you down, and it might be, that might be it later. You can say something like, I can see these netball games are really important to you, and I’m sorry I couldn’t make it.

I got held up at work. Can I make it up to you? Or, I’d really love you to tell me about the game or the match, or did someone record it? So there’s a different way to handle that because. They are allowed to feel disappointed. They are allowed to feel hurt regardless of what your reason, however amazing or good it was.

They still feel that way, and that’s totally valid, and by justifying it, it doesn’t actually help them notice. Acknowledge their own feelings, put language to it, and it can cause further [00:14:00] conflict or leave them feeling like maybe they’re just, they’re not cared about. And it’s these small moments over time that I see some teenagers referring to when they say things like, my parents don’t get me, or they just don’t listen.

Because they’re not coming to you directly and saying, I’m very disappointed that you didn’t come to my game, and I know you’re really busy, but I’d like you to shop. They don’t say it that way. They say they might just slam the door. They might just grunt at you. They might be like, well. You never do what you say you’re gonna do.

Those comments, they come off really slight, kind of off to the side and you are left trying to interpret them. And they will tell me, I’m telling my parents all the time, they don’t listen to me and parents like I listen to you. What do you mean? But often you’re going into defensiveness or you’re going into trying to protect or trying to repair straight away, and that’s not helpful.

So take a moment to think about those things. The last or the second, last bit I wanted to talk about, so talked about the transition from child [00:15:00] to teen and that manager to consultant, the impact that that can have on parents with, you know, feelings of rejection, prioritising, connection. The second last thing I wanna talk about is healthy boundaries.

And I think this can be really important to manage your own feelings of rejection. So if you are driving pe, driving them around to different events and sports and this and that, and you’ve said, yes, and I’ll take you to your part-time job and I’ll do this, and then they turn around and say on Sunday, oh, I’m gonna go hang out with my friends.

You’re like, uh, excuse me. I have just done this, this, this, this, this left work early, dropped you off here. That’s gonna hurt even more. So it could also be worth. Bringing back what you are prepared to do so that you don’t feel that rejection and resentment. So maybe it’s saying, look, I’m more than happy for you to get a job at Bunnings.

I can drop you off, but you’re going to need to either catch a taxi home or get a lift with someone. ’cause I have these other things I need to do, or you can [00:16:00] do that activity if you carpool, we can take it in turns, but I can’t take you every day. So actually starting to set boundaries of what you can do is really great for you.

And it starts to teach them that they can set boundaries as well, and that your boundaries are respected. And when they set boundaries, those will be respected. And then that goes to one bit of boundaries. The other is around what is okay and not okay in a household. So you might, if there is a big conflict and you’re having this, you know, nutting it out, it could be a boundary that you say, look, it’s okay that you’re upset.

This language is not okay. And when you speak to me this way. I’m going to end the conversation and walk out. So it’s still around setting an expectation and what you choose to do and what that impact will be. If you keep yelling at me like that, I’m going to walk off. It’s not about a punishment or a consequence.

That’s not part of what I wanna talk about today, but it’s more around what you are prepared to do. So let’s say you’ve got a friend who’s [00:17:00] yelling and screaming over the phone, uh, maybe they probably wouldn’t be your friend anymore. Right? But you know, it’s like if you continue to talk to me like that, I’m going to hang up.

So the boundaries about what you are prepared to do, not about changing the other person’s behavior. And the last thing I wanna talk about is self-care. And yes, we throw this around all the time, but it is crucial for your own wellbeing. It is crucial for role modeling, and it takes a calm brain to calm a brain.

So it’s really valuable for your children to see you be able to ground yourself. To handle those ups and downs, to be able to, you know, let those comments of re those comment that, you know, lead to rejection, just sort of slide off, you know, slide off you, some self-care can be really helpful. And that can also help with the boundaries.

Or maybe as they’re, they’re growing up it’s like, yeah, you want more independence, so here’s some more responsibility. Uh, it [00:18:00] could be something like you go for a 15 minute walk around the block or you just spend two minutes in the car just taking some deep breaths and grounding yourself it, finding whatever bit works for you so that you can be as present and cool and calm and collected as possible so that you can respond better.

So hopefully you found that helpful. Uh, I’m going to be releasing an ebook. My team won’t talk to me. Uh, sort of six tips, six of my top tips and strategies for building connection with your team and, and how to support positive wellbeing. So there’ll be a link to that, uh, free ebook in the. Show notes, so feel free to grab that and have a read.

Tell me what you think and sign up for if you wanna sign up for my Connected Teens course that is on sale now. So that is super exciting. It’s on demand with some live q and as that you can choose to attend or not. So you’ll have, um, a few months to watch those episodes. There’ll be [00:19:00] bite-sized pieces of information, really practical things that can help you build the relationship that you want with your teenager.

Okay, bye for now.

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