Listen
Ever wondered why your teenager seems to prefer their friends over family time? In this episode, I unpack why teens often pull away from family and spend more time with friends. It’s a common concern for many parents, and understanding what’s behind this shift can help ease those feelings of frustration or rejection. It’s not about them rejecting family—it’s about growing independence, identity, and their natural need to connect with peers.
In this episode, I share insights into this important stage of teenage development, highlighting how you can still create meaningful family connections, even if your teen is off making friends their main focus. Let’s talk about what’s going on for them and ways you can respond to maintain a healthy, connected relationship.
What’s Going On in My Teen’s Mind?
It’s normal for teenagers to prioritise friendships as they grow. Social life takes on new importance, and “they’re naturally driven to develop their own identity outside of the family.” This phase, often starting in early high school, is about them building connections with friends and figuring out who they are. As teens discover new interests and explore their individuality, their attention shifts to peers. It’s normal.
“Spending time with family might seem like they’re missing out on interactions with their peers,” especially with FOMO, or Fear of Missing Out, in the mix. Friends become central to their lives, and they often feel a strong need to stay involved in their social circles. It’s part of growing up and gaining independence, but it can be challenging for parents to watch.
Why Does My Teen Say Yes to Friends but No to Family?
This shift can feel hurtful. Perhaps you plan a family camping trip, and your teen declines, only to accept an invitation to go camping with a friend’s family. Why does this happen? It’s not about rejecting you, it’s about their desire to see what other family dynamics look like, explore different environments an sometimes just hang out with their friends. As they experiment with these new connections, they’re learning who they are outside of their role within your family.
Teens are also more likely to engage in activities that offer new social experiences or have fewer “rules” and expectations. Family time can come with added pressure, with each person bringing their own role and history into interactions. For teens, stepping away from family can be a chance to avoid this dynamic and connect without feeling boxed in by expectations.
Why Does My Teen Ignore Family Traditions?
Part of adolescence is exploring which values and traditions align with their emerging sense of self. This might mean they resist attending family dinners or special occasions they once enjoyed. They’re not necessarily rejecting these traditions—they’re simply figuring out which activities align with their personal beliefs and interests. “As they develop their own identity, they might be resisting participating in particular family traditions,” and this often comes up in events that reflect long-standing values, like religious or cultural gatherings.
For parents, it can be helpful to have open conversations that allow them to voice what matters to them. By showing that you respect their changing views, you can keep a connection open and meaningful without enforcing rigid expectations.
How Can I Keep a Strong Connection with My Teen?
Staying connected with your teen doesn’t have to mean hours of forced family time. In fact, creating moments of quality interaction can often be more meaningful. This can look like short, casual get-togethers where your teen doesn’t feel overwhelmed or pressured. For example, some parents find success with low-pressure activities like cooking together or playing a quick game of basketball. “Maybe they get to choose the activity,” and they’ll feel more in control and open to spending time with you.
Flexibility and compromise are key in maintaining connection—think of it as balancing their need for autonomy with your desire to stay involved in their life. “You’re teaching them…good compromise skills and communication skills” when you show that you’re willing to adjust your plans to make family time less of a chore and more of a shared experience.
How Can I Handle Feelings of Rejection?
It’s normal to feel a little rejected when your teen pulls away. I often see parents struggling with this and responding by showing frustration, guilt-tripping, or even lashing out. However, handling rejection in this way often only drives teens further away. “If you want a relationship that’s connected, you also have to sit with some of your feelings and manage them,” without projecting those feelings onto your teen.
It’s important to remember that teens aren’t pulling away to hurt you, they’re finding out who they are. If you find yourself feeling hurt, take a moment to reflect, and maybe share these feelings with a friend or partner rather than directly with your teen. This lets you healthily manage emotions without burdening your teen with added guilt.
When Should I Be Concerned?
While it’s typical for teens to seek independence, there are some signs that may indicate something more serious. If your teen is extremely withdrawn, avoids all family interactions, or appears anxious or isolated, it may be time to seek support. Similarly, if they’re withdrawing entirely from their social circle and relying solely on family, this could also be a concern. Open communication is always the best approach, letting them know you’re there without being overbearing.
In this episode, I share ways to navigate this balancing act, focusing on maintaining a connected and healthy family relationship through understanding, empathy, and mutual respect.
“If you want a relationship that’s connected, you also have to sit with some of your feelings and manage them.”
Read The Full Transcript
EXPAND TO READ
[00:00:00] Shure MV7-6: Hello, and welcome back to this complex life today. We’re diving into a question that many parents find themselves asking. Why does it maintain what has been time with the family? If you’ve noticed your team preferring the company of their friends over family dinners. Camping trips holidays. You’re not alone.
[00:00:23] Shure MV7-6: As they grow, they begin to prioritize their social life and explore their independent. It’s a natural part of adolescence. It’s not a rejection of family, but it can feel like that. It’s a key part of emotional and social development. Today.
[00:00:37] Shure MV7-6: I’m going to go through why peer relationships take center stage entering these years? How FOMO fear of missing out? I feel like that’s still a word that’s used. I don’t know. Plays a role in their desires to be with friends and what you can do to keep some meaningful family connection without stomping on their need for autonomy. It’s about balance and supporting their growth and independence while finding ways to stay connected. In positive and respectful ways.
[00:01:02] Shure MV7-6: He is really, really important. This is part of a series I’ve been doing on teens. So if you haven’t listened to any of the other episodes, It’s not too late. There’ll be there. They don’t go in any particular order. So feel free to go through the catalog and pick out the episodes that are useful to you. And if you have a question that you would like answered, send me an email I would love to hear from you. I read all of the questions and I try to answer as many of them as I can. And if you want a more connected relationship with your teen, check out my connected teens course, it’s available on demand. And there’ll be a link to that in the show notes and it’s on my website as well. Okay, let’s get into it.
[00:01:38] Shure MV7-6: It is normal for teams to prioritize their social life. As they grow as they develop, they’re going to focus a little bit more on the. On their peers. And sometimes this happens gradually at the end of primary school into early high school. And sometimes it can happen really suddenly. Everybody’s a little bit different. But then naturally driven to develop their own identity outside of the family.
[00:02:01] Shure MV7-6: That can feel really learning their parents. And I’m going to talk a little bit about Parental rejection, later in this episode. But part of the process is building connections with their friends and their peers, figuring out who they are, what they like, how they dressed and music they’re into all of that stuff is supposed to happen.
[00:02:17] Shure MV7-6: And naturally, that’s going to shift attention away from family. Towards their friends. When your friends start to become a big part of your world. Then you might feel like you’re going to miss out on something that they’re doing that you can’t do. So they have this pool, this desire to constantly be in touch with their friends, whether it’s social events, staying connected through different. Apps and different tech in different ways.
[00:02:41] Shure MV7-6: They communicate. Spending time with family might seem like they’re missing out on interactions with their peers. So then there’s this, this tug of war between maybe it’s not the family thing that the necessarily both at a bat, but it’s that, that might take them away from their friends. Now, I’m not saying you have to let them do this.
[00:02:57] Shure MV7-6: I’m just providing a little bit of context so that you can understand this dilemma that they face. And that there is a fear of missing out and. Every. Event or sleepover or functional something that their friends go to that they don’t, they feel they can feel really left out. And that they’re going to go to school the next day or that Monday morning and have missed out on something interesting or not been a part of that.
[00:03:20] Shure MV7-6: And that can be really hard for them to, to understand about, about that, about themselves and to do it. So they might need a little bit of support. To navigate that feeling of discomfort that comes with being left out. And that can be that FOMO, that fear of missing out. And that can happen in a number of ways in someone else having a particular. Item of clothing that they want, or go on a particular holiday or have a sleepover or a party or something like that. Not being included can be really hard for them. And can be very. Anxiety provoking and rejecting for them as well.
[00:03:52] Shure MV7-6: So as they’re developing their own identity outside of the family, they’re focusing more on building connections with friends.
[00:03:57] Shure MV7-6: We get that. So the peer relationships [00:04:00] do become central to their lives, and they often feel a stronger need and bigger desire to hang out with their friends and to be accepted, understood. And part of a social group, this shift away from the family is a normal part of growing up. So we need to remember that.
[00:04:14] Shure MV7-6: How do we balance that with differentiation?
[00:04:17] Shure MV7-6: So if you’ve listened to some of the other podcasts, I might’ve mentioned this word before differentiation from family, but it’s in the process of individuation where they’re trying to separate themselves from their parents and their family identity. So spending time away from family helps them explore who they are outside of their families influence. And this, this thing needs space to do that.
[00:04:38] Shure MV7-6: And this is quite an interesting one where you might I’ll use an example of camping because I liked camping and we’ll do that. Let’s say you want to go camping with them and they. No. But then Fred might ask them to do the exact same thing with them in their family. And they’re like, sure. This will be great.
[00:04:53] Shure MV7-6: I love it. You’re like, what the hell, what happened? I wanted to do these. And you said no. So sometimes it’s.
[00:04:58] Shure MV7-6: It’s not about you or the activity. It’s that there’s a pull or a desire there to be with friends. Or to see what someone else’s version of normal is or what they do or to hang out with them. So that can be really hard because you feel like, well, I’ve offered you to do that and you don’t want to do it with me.
[00:05:16] Shure MV7-6: And it can be a whole big thing. So sometimes they’re trying to figure who they are away from their family and Eve. Those dynamics are different when you’re with your family, you fall into different roles. There’s often. You know, expectations that people have, there might be some nagging and some. Eating conflict that’s long, long, long in the making.
[00:05:34] Shure MV7-6: And sometimes I need a break from that too. They want to be around other people who don’t have those same expectations or views on them. And this is a really interesting one. I ran an activity recently. In one of my parenting groups where I go each parent to pick a strength. That they, um, recognized in their young person in their child and share an example of that strength.
[00:05:53] Shure MV7-6: And it brought up a really some really beautiful discussion because often parents don’t share with their children. What they like about them. And some of them is the very thing. They like can be the thing that causes conflict. They might like that their child is. Strong-willed and has a good sense of social justice and stands up for what they believe in. And that same thing can almost drive them.
[00:06:16] Shure MV7-6: Can, can probably drive the parents crazy because sometimes they’re on the receiving end of that strong-willed nature. And that a sense of injustice is when something’s not fair for them around what age they think they should do things or simply got to do it before they were so. We’ve got to balance that out. remember, then they need to figure this out and they need to figure who they are and how to express themselves without judgment or expectations. Another area that can be really tricky here is resisting conforming to family tradition.
[00:06:43] Shure MV7-6: So as they start to develop their own identity, They might be resisting participating in particular family, traditions, or activities that no longer align with their developing views or interests. So that could be dinners. Holiday’s weekend activities. Or it could be religious events, other significant milestones, or. Uh, key parts for that family.
[00:07:06] Shure MV7-6: And that’s a really tricky thing to balance. And I think each one of those requires. Different types of conversations because we want to allow them some. Opportunity to have differing beliefs. We’ll be exploring what they think is important to them. Without judgment and criticism and maintain a strong sense of connection. And have people show up for those important events and milestones in each other’s lives.
[00:07:31] Shure MV7-6: And that’s a really tricky balance. And I think that requires a more delicate approach. And if that’s something that’s of interest to you. Uh, let me know. Right. I’m in writing and I’ll try and answer that. In a more specific way on another episode. So let’s try and keep that in mind, uh, that balance to. To conform to be there for family to figure who they are can, can be really hard for teens. Now where this can go wrong for parents. I’ve had an episode of this and I’ll pop a link to that [00:08:00] in the show notes, all about. , rejection, but parents can often interpret their team’s reluctance to spend time with the family as rejection. And people respond to rejection in a number of ways. Some might not even know that they’re feeling rejected.
[00:08:17] Shure MV7-6: They might just get angry. They might get. Passive aggressive or they might start making comments that actually push their teen further away. So, let me give you an example here so. Let’s say you have rearranged or work hours so that you can leave work a little bit early so that you’re able to pick your teen up from school. And they. One day tell you, I don’t need you to come pick me up.
[00:08:43] Shure MV7-6: I’m going to get a lift home with a named their friend. We’re going to get ready there to go off to basketball training. And not only do you feel rejected, but you think I have rearranged my schedule. This. For this. How ungrateful. And if you come at the conversation with you ungrateful. So-and-so don’t, you know how much I’ve done for you or so-and-so’s parents are better and you start yelling and screaming. That’s not going to bring you more connection. If you start saying, well, When they pick them up maybe afterwards.
[00:09:19] Shure MV7-6: Oh, so many Goodwin. You need a lift. Not going to bring you more connection. If you ignore them completely and you just start slamming doors or, you know, give one word answers. Again, not going to bring you more connection. So, if you want a relationship that’s connected. You also have to sit with some of your feelings and manage them in a way that is. More helpful. And role modeling the kind of behavior that you want to see in them.
[00:09:45] Shure MV7-6: So if you’re feeling rejected, That makes sense. You’re allowed to feel rejected. Not all behavior is. Okay. So sit with that discomfort that you’re feeling, understand what that’s like for you. Talk to. A parent, a partner. Your parents or sister or brother, whoever you can talk to. And that feeling deserves to be voiced, but maybe not to your team. You can say, I feel really rejected.
[00:10:11] Shure MV7-6: All of a sudden they don’t need me anymore. Or they used to like all of these things that we did together and now they don’t. Notice that talk about it, do what you need to do. So that you can continue to have a good relationship with them. And keeping what they’re not intentionally trying to reject you.
[00:10:31] Shure MV7-6: They’re trying to individually, they’re trying to seek independence. They’re trying to establish a sense of self. Away from the family. To allow them to develop their own identity and autonomy. So it’s not about rejecting you, even though it can feel rejecting. Now, if you’re handling that rejection in a way that’s not super helpful, we might see an increase in conflict. And we might see things like. Them saying you don’t listen to me or you’re never on my side or you don’t. You don’t understand those sorts of comments are probably telling you something about what they’re feeling or they might not want to talk to you at all.
[00:11:06] Shure MV7-6: So you might see an increase in conflict there. And if you’ve got an increasing conflict, Why on earth would you want to spend time with your family? If you’re always in conflict, if you feel you’re getting told off, if you don’t feel heard, if your parents may be passively, aggressively displaying that they’re feeling rejected, like you’re a teen, you don’t know who that you don’t understand.
[00:11:26] Shure MV7-6: So they might be inclined to withdraw a little more. So you’re not going to get as much. Connection from them. They’re not going to want to spend as much time with you. If that’s how they’re feeling.
[00:11:38] Shure MV7-6: Okay. So how do you do it differently?
[00:11:40] Shure MV7-6: How do you balance the need for independence and family connection? It’s really important to recognize any respect their need for independence rather than forcing family time. Rather than forcing families home, find ways to balance their social life with meaningful family connections. So you might offer flexibility.
[00:11:59] Shure MV7-6: [00:12:00] You might, you know, Be able to have some wiggle room on instead of large family gatherings or really long dinners. Maybe this smaller events that don’t feel like a chore, maybe short, casual interactions that can fill this burdensome. For teens who want to spend time with their friends, maybe they can come later or leave early or bring a friend, or maybe they get to choose the activity.
[00:12:21] Shure MV7-6: So starting to show that. You care about what they are interested in and you take their ideas and thoughts and hopes into account. That’s also role modeling to them, some really good compromise skills and communication skills. So. At this time of their life, when you’re, you’ve moved from manager to consultant. If you haven’t heard of that, I’ll pop a link to that in the show notes as well. You get to teach them through all of these interactions, how to handle that in future. So if you’re handling. Um, they’ve declined a family event and you’re handling that by yelling at them or threatening them or trying to discipline them.
[00:13:02] Shure MV7-6: You’re teaching them those communication techniques. So you are in the spotlight here with what you role model is really important to them. So if you can teach them, I’m going to listen to you. I can validate your experience. I can understand where you’re coming from and how do we find. A compromise here where it’s, win-win not lose, lose. That’s going to take him some really valuable communication skills that they’ll take with them into their lives, into their friends, with their teachers, with their partners.
[00:13:31] Shure MV7-6: I mean, how awesome is that? Sorry. It’s really important to maintain family connection, get creative about how to do that together and how it might look as a teen is very different. How it might look as a child. The music they might listen to, you might not understand. So how can you find a shared playlist? Maybe you do an activity where there’s not much talking, but you just know that they’re available.
[00:13:52] Shure MV7-6: You’re available. And you’re spending time together. And if they do want to talk, you’ve kind of got something there as a bit of a regular way of connecting. People come, people like driving. Some people like something like shooting hoops or playing ping pong where they might not have to talk or in having a hit of tennis. That there can be a few different ways to kind of connect, but it might not be what you want.
[00:14:13] Shure MV7-6: It might not be those deep and meaningful. I share everything with me, kinds of moments and that’s okay. You’re creating a regular way of connecting. That’ll be there when they need it. And my last tip is quality over quantity. So instead of trying to force long family dinners or constant togetherness or weekends away, They might not like that. Focus on making moments together, more meaningful. A brief book, positive conversation, or a shared activity can help maintain connection without making them feel restricted or suffocated.
[00:14:47] Shure MV7-6: So do that through. You know, shared interests or show an interest in things they are interested in. You might like to get them to pick an activity or bring a friend, like I mentioned earlier and see if you can have short, frequent things like that. So wink, when is a time to be concerned, if you see extreme withdrawal. So while it’s normal for teens to want to spend time with their friends, extreme withdrawal from family, and a complete lack of communication can be a red flag.
[00:15:15] Shure MV7-6: If they’re avoiding. Uh, family entirely or they’re super secretive. It might indicate a deep issue. like. Anxiety, depression, or peer problems. We want to be concerned about that. And we also want to be concerned about the other way. If they’ve completely withdrawn from friends and families, the only connection, and they’re not doing anything with anyone. That could be a concern as well.
[00:15:37] Shure MV7-6: So let them know that you are there for them, that you care for them, even if they’re pulling away, or if they’ve withdrawn from family and friends or from, from peers either way. Keep communication open without being overbearing. And seek some mental health support or support from a professional.
[00:15:55] Shure MV7-6: Hope you found that helpful tune in for the next episode. And if [00:16:00] you’ve got a question that you would like answered, feel free to get in touch.
