0:00

You’ve done the quiz, and now you know your partner’s love language. Maybe you’ve been trying to do some things differently. Maybe give a bit more quality time, more words of affirmation, doing a bit more around the house as an act of service. Somehow something might still feel off. You’re doing all of this work and it doesn’t seem quite enough.

Here’s what most people don’t know. The research doesn’t actually support the core claims of the five love languages, not in the way the book suggests it does. In my therapy room, I see a lot of couples who are stuck because they’re working within a framework that maybe wasn’t quite right to begin with.

I’m Marie Vakakis, accredited mental health social worker and couples therapist, and welcome to This Complex Life. If you’ve done the five love languages quiz, you’re not alone. Over 20 million copies of this book have been sold. I’ve even done the quiz, and when I first started out as a therapist, I’d even recommend it to clients to try as well. The quiz has been taken hundreds of millions of times by people all over the world.

Today, I’m talking about what the love languages get right, what they get wrong, and what the research actually tells us about how to make someone feel genuinely loved. Some of what I cover today might feel a little counterintuitive, and that’s okay.

1:45

The book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman was one of the first relationship books I ever read. I really loved it. It spoke to me. It felt like it made sense. This idea that there are different ways that we like to be loved felt like the key to a happy relationship. I could look at it and see some of the fights that people around me had and think, oh, that’s because she likes acts of service and he likes words of affirmation, and they’re just missing each other. It felt really simple and life-changing.

This book and the associated quiz is one of the most culturally embedded concepts in the last 30 years. There’s good news and bad news. The good news is it opened up a conversation. It helps people put into words some of their needs, wants and preferences, and observe in their partner what can be a helpful way to show them that they’re cared for and loved.

The bad news is the research doesn’t back the core claims. Speaking your partner’s love language doesn’t guarantee relationship success.

2:30

Gary Chapman, the author of this book, was a Baptist pastor. He based this book on his pastoral counselling, not research. If you’re not familiar with the five love languages, it’s a book with a quiz that tells you what your primary love language is, which is essentially the way that you like to receive love. He identifies five categories: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service and gifts. The idea is that you might have one primary love language, your partner might have another, and if you can speak each other’s love language, things can greatly improve.

It sounds simple, but clinically it’s a lot more complicated than that.

3:15

Studies have found that having the same primary love language as your partner does not predict relationship satisfaction. If you both love giving gifts, that’s not going to be enough to make a relationship work. I’ve noticed this in the couples that I work with and even in myself. We don’t actually have just one dominant language. Most of us want all five, maybe with a preference for some over others. We might want our partner to show gratitude and appreciation and affirm us and say nice things. We might also want them to pick up a little treat at the supermarket because it’s something they know we like. We might want them to take the car to the car wash as an act of service. We might want to cuddle at the end of the day. We might want to spend quality time together on the weekend. Chances are we want all of those things at different times, and sometimes we might have a preference for one over the other.

Chapman’s hypothesis was tested formally in the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy and it was not supported. Preferences aren’t fixed. They shift with life stage, stress, having kids and maybe even season of life.

4:30

Here’s what people get wrong when talking about the five love languages. What I see in my therapy room is people using it as some sort of compatibility test. He likes quality time, she likes acts of service, we’re incompatible. They treat it as a diagnosis rather than a starting point, and they might even search for partners based on this preference and use it as a relationship litmus test.

Another area where I see it go wrong is when people expect their partner to just automatically deliver love in their category without having a conversation about what that actually means. If you’ve listened to me talk for a while, you’ll hear me often talk about things like rituals of connection and being curious and having ongoing conversations. Just saying acts of service, well, what does that mean? For someone, an act of service might be plastering a crack in the ceiling. For someone else, cooking dinner might feel like a non-negotiable minimum. For another person, that same act of cooking something special might feel incredibly loving. We don’t all have the same definitions of what those things are, so using it as a diagnosis without a further conversation is a really unhelpful way of working with this theory.

Another way I see this go wrong is people using it as a measuring stick. I know his love language, I’m doing it, why isn’t this working? It can become almost like a scorekeeping exercise, which isn’t helpful.

6:00

We might also have preferences when we first start dating, but those needs and preferences change over time, just like everything else about us. There might be food you used to like that you no longer like. There might be exercises you could do easily when you first met that now hurt your body. There might be people in your life you were super close to that you’re not so close to anymore. We change as humans, and we need to update those love languages. We can’t think that they’re set and forget.

6:45

The big thing that actually matters more than the love languages is responsiveness. Research consistently shows that responsiveness is one of the biggest predictors of relationship satisfaction. It shows up in two ways. One is noticing what your partner needs in real time and responding to that. The other is noticing when they try to connect with you through daily comments and interactions, what we call bids for connection.

Hundreds of those small moments over time matter far more than hitting one category consistently. If you’ve gone and bought your partner a gift because gifts is their love language, but throughout the day there were no positive interactions, maybe no hug or kiss goodbye, no contact throughout the day, the house is messy, the dog hasn’t been fed, the kids need to be dropped off somewhere and there are shoes at the end of the bed that you know is going to annoy them, a gift isn’t going to make them feel loved. Responsiveness and bids for connection are one of the biggest predictors of a satisfying relationship.

8:30

The love languages is a really nice starting point to give us some language around our preferences, and reading the book isn’t going to do your relationship any harm. When I read it, I underlined a few bits that didn’t quite sit with me, especially some of the gendered ideas. It is a good starting point. It does get you thinking. In itself though, it’s just one small tool, so don’t use it as the whole map.

9:15

One of the big things this theory misses is what we call love maps. This is not just about how you show love. It’s about understanding your partner’s inner world. It’s building that friendship level. It’s knowing what’s stressing them out, what’s happening for them day to day. It’s the ongoing updating of their inner world. What are they worried about right now? What are they looking forward to? What’s changed for them in the last few days, weeks, months? Most couples stop updating their love maps after three to five years, and they’re operating off old information. Someone will do something for their partner and their partner will say, I don’t even like that anymore. This happens through conversation. It’s through staying connected.

Knowing your partner is what makes you good at loving them, not knowing the category. Part of knowing your partner might include knowing parts of their love language and all the different ways they like to be shown love. That’s different to just taking a quiz and thinking that’s going to be fine.

11:00

So what to do instead? If you haven’t done the quiz, go check it out. It can be quite fun, and even just talking through some of the questions together can be really illuminating. Keep talking. Ask what they need instead of defaulting to your own preference.

For example, you might have a Saturday morning free and your instinct is to go and get the car detailed. You’ve got a dog, there’s hair all over the back seat, and you think this will make your partner’s week easier. Maybe your partner has felt disconnected from you that week and the best thing they can think of is to spend quality time together, go get a coffee and go for a walk. Ask them. Talk about what they prefer, what the exceptions are. Keep in mind this is not set and forget. Relationships take ongoing conversation. It’s like growing plants. You don’t just plant it. It needs to be watered. It might need to be repotted. There are things we take for granted in a relationship and think we’ve done that once so it should be enough. It’s not. This is ongoing.

Even if you have no idea about their love languages, you can ask them today: what would make you feel loved right now? That’s a valid question in any relationship. If you’re listening to this with your partner, pause and answer it together now.

Stay curious. Stay curious about what’s changed for them, not just what category they are. Stay curious about where they’re at, what they need, and don’t get defensive about it.

13:30

If you need a bit more help or guidance, I have my Relationship Reset course. There are a whole heap of modules that break things down into simple conversations with questions and prompts you can have around all sorts of topics, everything from money and finances to how you connect, what you do with friends and family and the people around you that matter. There’s a link to that in the show notes and in the description box.

14:00

It’s not a bad book. It’s easy to digest. You could probably read it in one sitting. The questions themselves can spark some interesting conversation. It does open a door for a lot of couples. The problem is we don’t want to just stay in that doorway. The framework is a starting point, and your partner’s actual experiences, their current experiences, what’s happening for them is what you’re aiming for.

You can love someone well from a distance, but actually knowing them and staying close to them is what’s important.

Thanks for listening to This Complex Life. If you have a question you want me to answer or a topic you want me to cover, please get in touch. There’s a link to reach out to me in the show notes.