Listen
You still love your partner and you’d choose him again if you had to do it all over. Somewhere along the way though, you stopped wanting to have sex with him, and you don’t know when it happened or why.
As a couples therapist, I see this constantly, and it’s rarely about love running out. It’s about something else entirely.
Love and Desire Run on Different Systems
Love and desire are not the same thing. Love runs on safety, on stability, on security. When you’re in a relationship and you start building that safety and that connection that feels secure, it sits on the opposite side of desire. Desire needs the opposite of familiar. It needs distance and curiosity, seeing your partner as separate from you.
I worked with a couple where one partner went to watch the other coach a soccer team, something they hadn’t done in a while, and felt a rush of attraction seeing their partner take charge of the game and call out to players. That stuff doesn’t show up when you’re snuggled on the couch watching TV together. It’s not that the connection on the couch isn’t real, it’s that it’s a completely different feeling to the one that fuels desire. The better you get at building a safe, settled life together, the less room is often left for that curiosity and novelty.
Why Becoming a Parent Can Kill Your Sex Drive
Big life changes shift this too, and having kids is one of the biggest. I see this a lot with mums in particular, who as the primary carer have someone physically relying on them all day to keep them alive, nourish them and comfort them. Feeling touched out is real. If a hug might lead to your partner wanting sex, and you don’t have anything left to give, you might withdraw from the hug altogether, and you miss out on connection you both actually needed.
On top of that, the logistics of parenting take over most conversations. Vaccinations, daycare paperwork, book week costumes, birthday presents. None of it is sexy, and it can end up being the only thing a couple talks about for months, sometimes years. The addition of kids is genuinely enriching, and it can also get in the way of the desire and vibrancy you once had. That’s something worth acknowledging rather than pretending it hasn’t changed.
How Resentment and the Mental Load Block Desire
The third thing I see constantly is resentment. It’s really hard to desire someone you feel is taking you for granted, or someone you’re doing the lion’s share of the mental load with. These things are usually layered together with the familiarity and the exhaustion, and unresolved arguments that get swept under the rug tend to show up later as “not right now” or silence, rather than as an actual conversation.
Reducing the load matters more than most couples realise. Instead of asking your partner what they need you to do, which quietly builds resentment on its own, take the initiative and have a look around. Think about what you’d hand over if you had to leave the house for a week and someone else needed to run it. Most people can do this at work. It’s worth doing at home too, so sex doesn’t become one more burdensome thing to talk about.
The Myth of Waiting for Spontaneous Desire
A lot of people believe that if you have to plan for sex, or talk about the barriers getting in the way of it, it’s somehow less meaningful. That’s a myth. I’ve never once woken up and felt like going for a run. I make the decision, then I put the shoes and the alarm and the plan in place so it can actually happen. Desire tends to work the same way for a lot of people.
There’s also a real difference between wanting and willing, and between willingness and coercion. Someone might not be entirely turned on in a given moment but still genuinely open to it, and with the right warm up, that’s a completely valid place to start from. Willingness only works when someone can say no at any point with no consequence, and when a yes is fun, consensual and centres pleasure.
How to Bring the Spark Back
Small, practical shifts help more than grand gestures. When you plan a date night, take as many decisions off your partner’s plate as you can, rather than asking them to make ten choices about restaurants and babysitters on top of everything else they’re already carrying. Bring back novelty in ways that don’t need a village or a big budget, a games night after the kids are asleep, an online class, an activity box, anything that brings back some of the fun and playfulness you had before life got this full.
One of the simplest things you can try tonight is telling your partner something specific you admire about them, and actually naming it out loud. If you’re in a pattern where reaching for each other keeps getting met with pulling away, it can help to take sex off the table entirely for a while and rebuild touch without any expectation attached to it.
None of this means your relationship is broken, or that you’re doomed to stay stuck where you are. These are patterns, and patterns that developed can be changed. If you want to work through this properly, my Relationship Reset course walks you through it module by module, and it’s designed to help you keep learning about your partner well beyond the course itself.
Related episodes
Keep the Conversation Going
Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9
Instagram: @marievakakis
Website: marievakakis.com.au
Read The Full Transcript
EXPAND TO READ
0:00
You loved them, and you would pick them again if you could do it all over. But somewhere along the way, that lust and attraction you once felt dwindled away. You’re not attracted to anyone else and you still definitely love them, but somehow you just stopped wanting to be intimate in a sexual way. Maybe you can’t explain why, and you’ve just assumed maybe you’re the problem, or the relationship is doomed.
Welcome to This Complex Life. I’m Marie Vakakis, and each week we make a bit more sense of the messy, complicated, and every now and again gloriously beautiful business of being human. Mostly the relationships we’re in and the mental health tangled up in them.
Last week’s episode was about what to do when you and your partner want different amounts of sex. This week is about a different version of that same problem: love without desire. Today I want to go through why you can love someone and still not want sex with them, and what that could actually mean, and I’m really glad you’re here. Let’s get into it.
As a therapist for over a decade, this is something many couples find challenging.
1:00
Not because they don’t love their partner, but because they don’t have the same sexual desire they once had, and they’ve drawn conclusions about what that means.
The first thing I really want to talk about here is that love and desire are not the same thing. Love runs on safety, on stability, on security. When we’re in a relationship and we start building that safety and that connection that feels really secure, that sits on the opposite side of desire. Desire needs the opposite of familiar. It needs distance and curiosity, seeing someone as separate from you.
I worked with a couple where one partner went to see their partner coaching a soccer team. They hadn’t done it in a while, and this partner was so attracted to them in that moment, seeing them take charge of the game, calling out to players, being in their element.
2:00
It reminded them of the power their partner can command on the field, and how attractive they find them. That stuff doesn’t show up when they’re snuggling on the couch watching TV. They love their partner a lot, but seeing them excel at something in that novel way was a real turn on. Had they been doing that all the time, it might have become too familiar and lost that effect. So it’s not just the activity, it’s the novelty of it, how different it is.
The better you get at building a life together, the less of that curiosity and novelty and fun is left. That’s worth thinking about. As you start to feel that safety and connection, and you’re relaxing into that person, even just picturing relaxing into their arms as a safe, comforting place, that might not be the same feeling that does it for you sexually.
3:00
That might not be the same part of you that feels erotically charged or has any sort of arousal. We need to find ways to bring that back.
For some people, this loss of desire is actually a direct consequence of feeling close and connected. That’s different to wanting emotional intimacy before you can have sexual intimacy. This is an overall dance between couples, where safety and security don’t seem to evoke the same feelings as desire does, of curiosity and fun and novelty and playfulness.
Esther Perel talks a lot about this. If you’ve read her book Mating in Captivity, I really recommend it, it’s a great read. I went to a retreat last year with Esther Perel and we spoke a lot about this. We had some really great discussions with other therapists and couples who were attending, so it was a mixture of people, and it was really profound.
4:00
It was really interesting for me professionally to think about all these different dynamics playing out, and how somebody can both be attracted to you and also find you familiar. How do you manage that? How do you find a life that has novelty and routine, safety and consistency, but maintains a spark?
We have elements of creativity, and that could be dance, that could be music. There are so many things that go into a rich, vibrant life that ignite passion, that ignite that appetite for sex. For some people, they’re horny all the time. They might just see their partner and think, yep, I’m turned on, and not understand why that’s not the same for their partner. We all have different things that do it for us, everybody has something different, and we don’t want to yuck someone’s yum. But I’m really hoping that by the end of this you’ll have an idea of some of the things that can happen, and what might be happening for you.
6:00
So there’s the familiarity and the security, and then there are big changes in someone’s life, like the introduction of a baby, or multiple babies, and having kids. I see this a lot in heterosexual couples in particular, where the mum, being the primary carer, has someone physically relying on her to keep them alive, to nourish them, to nurture them, to comfort them.
I hear mums tell me they just feel touched out, that they can’t even think about giving another part of themselves, that they’re completely overwhelmed, depleted, with nothing left to give. So anything that feels conditional, like they might really just want a hug, but if they think that hug might lead to their partner wanting sex, then there’s no point hugging, because then they’re going to want sex, and I don’t feel like that, so I might just withdraw altogether. A pressure builds up that then gets avoided entirely, and they miss out on all connection.
When you have kids and you’re talking about logistics, that’s important stuff you need to talk about. Who’s taking the kids to swimming? Has someone booked the dentist appointment?
7:00
When are the vaccinations due? Has the paperwork been done for daycare, kinder or prep? Is the costume ready for book week? Have they got a present for the birthday party? Those things need to happen, but they’re not very sexy. They can be mundane, and they can feel like you’re drudging through the mud. They’re the things that can take up someone’s entire conversation every day, every week, every month.
Many of the couples who sit with me in my therapy room will tell me, this is the most we’ve spoken about something other than the kids in sometimes years. It’s the first time they’ve sat down and had a conversation about their hopes, their dreams, their worries, their concerns, something they’re struggling with, something they want to share with their partner.
8:00
The addition of kids is a very enriching experience for many people, and they love their children deeply. But it can get in the way of the desire and vibrancy they might have once had, and that can be something to grieve. It might not ever look exactly as it did before children, because it’s different now. Kids will always be a part of your life, bodies have changed completely, but it’s something to acknowledge, to look at what it looks like now and how you can bring some of that fun and novelty back.
That’s very different to doing fun things as a family, where it might be so much fun to go on a family trip, have a water fight, or go to the pool together. That’s not fun as a couple, that’s family fun, and you need those things, kids love those things, they’re beautiful, amazing memories. But it’s not adult fun. It’s not flirting and playfulness and the things that create that erotic tension you once had. And if you didn’t have it but you still want it, that’s still the same thing.
9:00
It’s about being reflective and intentional, and it’s not about blaming one another. It’s not, you always do things with the kids, why don’t you do things for me. If this is bringing up strong things for you, it’s a chance to reflect and have a conversation, starting with the bit you can own. Maybe you’re thinking, I didn’t realise I’d let the ball drop, or my focus has been entirely on the kids and there’s not been much left for us, can we have a chat about that, or I’d really like to change things up a bit, how do you feel about trying something different.
You can have conversations about where you’re at and what it might take to get things moving again, if that’s one of the things impacting your relationship. You love your partner, you adore them, they’re great with the kids, you love family time, but none of that is doing anything for you sexually.
10:00
When it comes to organising date nights, one of the biggest frustrations I hear, and it’s not always gendered but it does have an element of that, is mums saying, yes, my partner organised a date night, but that’s it. It actually became more stressful, because he booked the restaurant but not how we’re getting there. Who’s picking up the kids from swimming or school? Who’s babysitting? Is there enough food for them for dinner, what about snacks the next day? If that’s normally our grocery day, when’s that chore getting done instead?
Booking a date night can be a really thoughtful chance to get things back on track. But if your partner is touched out, overwhelmed and feeling stretched, you need to take care of as many of those components as possible, so there aren’t decisions left for them to make. If you want them to enjoy themselves without the expectation of sex, that might be a happy consequence, but it can’t be the expectation.
11:00
When you plan the date night, take as many opportunities as you can to make it easy. I’ve booked this restaurant on this date, this person is free to babysit, I’m going to pre order groceries so we don’t have to hit the shop in the morning if we’ve had a late night, my parents or sister will stay with the kids, these people will take them to swimming the next day. Have an entire plan and present that to your partner. If you know they’ll find that too restrictive, maybe break it down to two options. I’ve found a restaurant I think you’d like, they have a six thirty and an eight o’clock booking, is there a time you prefer? I’ve got two people in mind to look after the kids, does either of these bother you?
But if you try to be collaborative by saying, what do you feel like, whatever you want, would this be okay, that’s too many decisions. Often when someone’s going through that checklist of everything they need to consider, the last thing they think is fun is having to plan the date night themselves. If their partner’s asking what do you want, where do you want to go, what restaurant do you like, what about the kids, and checking in at every step, they just think, stuff it, it’s not even worth it, it’s way too hard. If you’re organising something like that to try and keep the spark alive, be mindful of all the things that person might need done for them, so it’s a nice experience for both people.
12:00
So there are a few things I’ve talked about so far. There’s the familiarity and comfort and security being a bit of an intimacy killer, and there’s being touched out and the introduction of kids. The third one I see is resentment. If someone’s feeling resentful that they’re doing the lion’s share of the work, the mental load in particular, and factoring in all these things they have to do and think about, it’s really hard to desire someone you’re resentful with. It’s really hard to have that spark of lust for somebody who you feel hasn’t been appreciating you.
Thinking about the overall dynamic of the relationship is worth reflecting on. For many people I work with, these things are layered, they might all link together. If you’ve got arguments that haven’t gone away, that haven’t been resolved, that have been swept under the rug,
13:00
they might show up in the most random moments as, not right now, or I’m not in the mood, or even just the absence of either person talking about it. That’s not really what we want either, we want ways to resolve conflict and move through repair. If this is something you can relate to, I have a free conflict workbook you can go through at your own pace, it’ll give you ways to navigate these difficult conversations. I’ll pop a link to that in the show notes, see if it helps.
The last thing I want to touch on for this topic is this idea of waiting to feel the spark, waiting for motivation to strike. I have never once woken up and thought, you know what, I really want to go for a run. The motivation is there. I make the decision that I want to go for a run, and then I make sure I have the right shoes, I might even set my alarm early, and I put things in place to allow that to happen.
People seem to have this belief that if you plan for sex, or think about what the barriers to having sex are, and have a conversation about it, that it’s somehow less meaningful, less genuine or less good if you have to plan it. That is such a myth. Honestly, it’s total crap. I see where that belief comes from, we see it in movies, in music, in all these different ways we’re influenced to think that if we were wanted or desired, that person should just magically…
15:00
That spark should just be there, it should just magically ignite, and we’d go to bed together and it would just happen. Or one person would hop in the shower because they’re in the mood, and the other would be totally willing and in the mood at the same time. Or they’d wake up on a lazy Saturday morning and get busy before breakfast.
But none of these things happen that way. They might have, a little bit, at the start, but often when you think about the start of a relationship, you’re actually doing things differently. You’re probably not living together yet, so you’re making time to see someone. You’re anticipating seeing them, you might have plans for that weekend, you might have thought about which restaurant, what you’re going to wear, you might have mentioned it to some of your friends. You’re thinking about it, looking forward to it, maybe playing the last few kisses back in your mind thinking, that was hot and heavy, I can’t wait to see them again. It’s on your mind, and you’re creating that desire.
It’s the same feeling as when you’re really looking forward to a trip, planning your itinerary, getting excited, thinking I really want to go to that museum, I’m going to get tickets, I can’t wait to eat at that restaurant, I saw some amazing reviews for this boat tour. You’re talking about it, getting excited about it, looking forward to it, and that has the same impact. You might still have an amazing spontaneous trip, just like you might have amazing spontaneous sex. But in general, the belief that it’s only supposed to be spontaneous, I really wish would go away.
16:00
There’s a big difference between wanting and willing. Someone might not be entirely turned on in that moment, but they might be really open to it. With the right touching and kissing and the right setup, they might think, oh yeah, I can get in the mood, this is great. They might just need a bit more warming up, a bit more encouragement.
There’s also a big difference between willingness and coercion. Someone might be totally willing, and if they can say no at any time with no consequence, and when they say yes it’s fun and consensual and centres pleasure, that’s a great place to be. Think about your own willingness, and what it might take to get from a maybe to a yes, and have a discussion with your partner. For some people, that’s enough to start putting it on the agenda, enough to start thinking about what you might need to do.
For so many couples, one thing that comes up often is wanting a good night’s sleep. If they’re going to bed at eleven and want seven hours, they’ve set their alarm for six, they’re going to bed at eleven to get seven hours sleep, and then their partner starts to make a move, they get really distressed, because in their mind, if we start doing that now, I’m only going to get six and a half hours, or six hours, and I’ve got a big day tomorrow.
18:00
And they start stressing about the lack of sleep. If they’d had a conversation about that with their partner, and their partner could say, I had no idea, they could go to bed at ten or ten thirty and allow time for that to happen. We need to be aware of what’s happening for the other person, what would help turn the maybe into a yes. Start with that, it could be a really good place to begin.
If you’re struggling with this yourself, check out the conflict workbook, that’ll be available to you. I also have a free guide that talks all about sex, including how to work out what’s getting in the way for you. There’ll be a link to that in the show notes, and in the description.
So, in sum, there are a few things you can do if you haven’t already thought of them. Deal with resentment first. If there are big things getting in the way that are causing or contributing to resentment, have those conversations. If you can’t do them on your own, get some support.
19:00
Some couples can benefit so much from couples therapy, or even DIY courses. There are lots of ways to learn to communicate more effectively, in a way that helps you feel heard and helps your partner feel heard, because that’s so important.
Reduce the load. Reduce the mental load, the physical load, reduce the load for your partner so that talking about sex doesn’t add to it. There’s nothing sexy about talking about what’s making sex hard to have. If you’re always talking about the sex you’re not having, and the sex you want but aren’t having, that’s not sexy, it just adds more pressure. Start to reduce the load. You can ask, but one of the big mistakes I see people make is just turning to their partner and saying, what do you need me to do, and that just builds resentment again. Take initiative, have a look around, think about what needs to get done.
What would you be writing as a handover if you were to leave the house for a week and someone else had to step in and run things with some standard operating procedures? Have a think, because most people can do this in a workplace, they can describe what tasks need to be done, how they can be allocated, what resources they might need.
20:00
And somehow at home, there’s a default partner who has to bear the brunt of this. Don’t make sex one more burdensome thing. Talk about how you can reduce the load and make sex the fun thing to talk about.
Spending more time together is another tricky one. It’s really great to spend time together, but the quality of the time is important. Talking about logistics and the kids isn’t going to cut it. This is where I’d encourage you to think outside the box. Do something fun together, a dance class, a language class, an activity, things that bring back that fun, that novelty, that silliness. Think about the stuff you might have done when you were dating. So many couples I work with share stories of how much fun it was when they did these random activities.
21:00
An escape room, bowling, a movie marathon, bike riding, they did fun stuff. There’s room to do those things again, and don’t let the idea of kids throw you off. You can have a games night in your living room while they’re asleep, do art classes online, buy those boxes of activities that surprise and delight. There are so many things you can do even if babysitting isn’t an option and budget’s a concern, there’s no shortage of fun, interesting activities that are budget friendly and can be done once the kids are asleep. Don’t let the idea of we don’t have a village, we don’t have anyone to babysit, or we’re tight on money deter you from thinking creatively, there are always ways to adapt to any budget. Don’t let that hold you back.
One thing I want you to try, and you can try it almost immediately, the second you finish this, let them know something you admire or like about them, and give them an example, be very specific.
22:00
I really loved how you handled that difficult situation yesterday, I thought it was really impressive. The way you spoke to that child was super cute. I thought that joke you made was so funny, I forget to tell you sometimes how hilarious I think you are. Tell them the things you love and admire, and if you catch it in real life, if they do something remarkable, or even just ordinarily beautiful. Some people, in their day to day, are kind and generous and funny and thoughtful, and we can take it for granted. Notice it, let them know you’ve noticed it, let them know what that thing is, and see what happens. See what change that makes to your evening or your day, how it makes your partner feel, and how it feels if it’s done back to you.
The last thing I want to encourage you to think about is if you’re in that pattern where you try to reach for your partner, touch them, and they pull away, and it becomes this dance of, I don’t want to reach out to them again because they might pull away. Or the other person thinking, I don’t want to hug them because if I hug them, they’re going to want to kiss.
23:00
And if I kiss them, they’ll think we’re going to have sex tonight, so I better not hug them. So you’re pulling away. Take sex off the table. I know that sounds counterintuitive to a conversation about sex, but take it off the table. Maybe say, okay, for the next month or two, we’re not having sex, we’re just going to hug or kiss, or can we make out with no other agenda. If you’re really distant from each other, that might feel awkward, maybe just holding hands is a start, saying, can I hold your hand, I promise there’s no other expectation, I just miss you and want to hold your hand. Can I have a hug, I’ve had a tough day, I promise I’m not going to push for anything else, I just want to hug you. Start small, and take sex off the table, take the expectation and pressure off the table.
24:00
These aren’t tricks. They’re not tricks to get your partner into bed, not tricks to coerce or manipulate. They’re things you can do and adjust to see if you get a different result, if something different happens, if there are changes that are positive for your relationship. Loving your partner and wanting them are two different things.
Hopefully you’ve got an idea now of some of the things that can show up and throw sex out the window. You might not even mean them, might not even notice they’ve happened. You might be thinking, yep, that’s us, oh my goodness, how did we end up here. You might be thinking back to the last time you had sex and thinking, that was months ago, how did we end up here, it’s not what I signed up for. These are often patterns that develop and get created, and new patterns can be created too. Don’t let that depress you, or make you think the relationship’s over or that you’re broken.
Don’t forget to grab the guide to talking about sex and intimacy, there’ll be a link to that in the show notes. If you’re ready to take your relationship further, there’s my Relationship Reset course, on demand, with a whole bunch of questions you can work through module by module. You can even take some of these questions out on a date night and really get to know your partner, really reset your relationship.
I can guarantee you, if you did this every single year, you’d still learn something new. We never stop learning about our partner, there are so many things to keep learning and exploring.
At some point, you might have to start this conversation yourself. You might be the one thinking, we’ve never talked about this, I’m learning so much right now, what do we do, how do we have this conversation without it turning into a fight? I’m going to answer that in the next episode, so you might want to check that out too.
Thanks for listening. I hope this has been a helpful episode. If you have a question or a topic you’d like me to answer, get in touch, I’d love to hear from you.
