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You know that moment when you’re really into someone and they do that one thing, that tiny thing. Maybe it’s the way they chew. Or the word they use or how they laugh and your whole body just recoils and you can’t explain it.

You just feel it and suddenly you are done. That is the ick and most of us treat it like a verdict. Once we see the ick, we think it’s done. It’s over

I am Marie Vakakis, and today we’re getting into the messy, awkward, and sometimes gross things that people do when dating that. Give us the icks

today. I want to slow it down because what triggers the ick often says a lot more about us than it does about them. We’re going to look at the psychology, the attachment research, and the question that nobody really wants to sit with.

Are we being too hard on each other or are we just scared of being truly seen? So the ick, this emotional recoil, you suddenly feel disconnected or turned off. Maybe something feels a little wrong or out of sync and [00:01:00] you don’t even know how to explain it. Maybe it has no logic behind it. It’s just something you feel in your bones.

It can be triggered by something tiny, a smell, a sound, a comment, an awkward face when they sneeze, but it stays in your body and you can feel yourself just pulling away a little bit. .

A 2025 study published in personality and individual differences. Found that about 64% of people feel the IG and about a quarter of those people actually end the relationship because of it.

So this is not just a social media trend, it’s a real phenomenon, and it doesn’t just show up in dating, although that’s kind of a bit more fun to talk about sometimes it can show up in long-term relationships and even in friendships, anywhere you feel some kind of emotional or relational shift.

And it makes me think of inside Out if you haven’t seen it. Such a great animation and I love the way it portrays characters, but think of the emotion [00:02:00] discussed. How cool is disgusted? She is such a sassy character and discuss has an evolutionary benefit to us. Disgust evolved as a protection mechanism our ancestors might have recalled from signs of disease or poor mate quality, and those who did survive longer.

The thing is the modern ick and the modern ick triggers have nothing to do with survival. They’re cultural, not biological.

When I see people talk about this in my therapy room, it does feel really small and benign and sometimes. It has me wondering, are they those clumsy normal moments that we just have as people are. We so used to seeing a curated version of everybody’s best highlight reels and images that have been edited, that we find that it, when someone.

Is still learning or still progressing. And sometimes they can tap into some gendered ideas that we have as [00:03:00] well. Maybe someone throws a ball in a kind of weird way or they trip and fall or they do something and it has me wondering what this is really about for so many people.

That’s why I wanted to dig into this topic a little bit more and figure out what went wrong, what happens when people mistaken, normal human things as something to be disgusted by. How do we change that and what are actual red flags? Because they’re very different. And I’ve done a whole other episode on that.

But there is something there and some people have a really great way of laughing it off and some people they shut down and they dunno how to articulate it.

There are some icks that seem to come up a lot and when I was doing some research for this episode, there was some that actually made me laugh. One of my favorite Icks that someone had, I actually don’t know if I think this was an I, maybe now I do, but was finger, finger guns as a bit of an ick? That one actually quite was quite funny.

Apparently that’s a very popular one. Finger guns. People don’t like that. That’s an [00:04:00] ick.

A guitar, again, something to do with awkward body positioning. Someone playing a guitar was seen as an ick.

Some other funny ones that really got to me was driving around for an excessively long time to try and find a closer parking spot instead of just walking.

Good vibes only on a dating profile. I mean, the list goes on and on and on. And if you Google icks if you start reading some threads, there are so many that come up for people and they’re so varied and so different.

There are some that start to cross into concerning behavior, so someone being rude to waitresses and waiters, for example. That might be an ick for some. I would actually start seeing that as a bit of a red flag.

Someone laughing too loudly at their own jokes might be a sign that they’re a little bit awkward or uncomfortable, especially in those first few dates. I mean, we’re still trying to figure it out. I know that dating can be awkward and clumsy, and I think we need to give people a little bit more space to make mistakes in this.

There was one ink that I came across in the [00:05:00] research that was when someone claps, when a plane lands, and I had to laugh at this. I played a game once with some friends, and the question was, who do you think is most likely to clap when a plane ends? And everybody thought it was me. And I’m like, no, that is, I would never do that.

I’m not clapping when the plane lands. I’m usually annoyed that I’ve been woken up from my nap. I have no, definitely not. So I get it. Someone clapping when the plane lands. That would be a bit of an ick for me too. Kind of funny, but yes, no, no clapping when the plane lands. Please don’t do that. Now, these might seem pretty small on the surface, but the reaction they trigger is often about something much deeper.

So let’s take a look at what could actually be going on.

Why the ick happens Sometimes the ick is right.

Sometimes it’s a genuine red flag. You notice something that doesn’t quite sit right for you. A mismatch in values in tone or emotional presence, and. Sometimes it’s behavior that feels really concerning, and that’s something to pay [00:06:00] attention to, but sometimes it’s what people call a beige flag behavior that’s not harmful, but it creates a little disconnect.

You don’t feel excited, and something about the vibe feels off.

The research actually distinguishes between functional triggers. Things that flag genuine incompatibility like misogyny or cruelty. I would be calling those big red flags and superficial triggers like fashion choices or speech patterns.

Most its are superficial, but some of them are doing exactly what they’re supposed to do.

So if somebody’s, I is them talking about is someone on a date talking about a past partner or ex and they start using words like, oh, she was crazy. Or maybe they’re pinching your butt at moments that you don’t think is appropriate. Those red, those could be red flags. They could be signs at your. Moving into territory that feels uncomfortable, unsafe, maybe your boundaries have been crossed.

So we really want to tune into some of those red flags, but also check when are our s just [00:07:00] superficial, and that can be hard to tell sometimes, but in my experience, most of the time we use the word ick. It’s something superficial. If someone has really creeped you out and you’re feeling unsafe. That might be more of a red flag, and I’ve got a whole other episode that you can check out about red flags.

The second reason, shame and projection, the it can be a reaction to emotional vulnerability. If someone opens up too quickly and they share too much, you might feel overwhelmed. It can stir up discomfort that shows up as rejection.

It can be about shame

if someone reflects something to you or reflects something. If someone, if someone reflects something in you that you try to hide or avoid, it can feel cringey and unbearable. And that discomfort gets projected onto them.

Research found that grandiose narcissism and other oriented perfectionism both predicted the ick people who hold high standards for [00:08:00] others

and who need their partner to reflect well on them are more likely to experience the ick. So think about that for a moment. People who are really conscious about how they come across and expect their partner to reflect a certain status or way of being are more likely to experience the ig. So it poses the question, are you rejecting them?

Or are you rejecting the part of yourself that they remind you of?

So a shame driven ick might be around physical activity. Maybe you wish you were more athletic or would like to be more graceful. In your yoga practice or a better dancer and someone just doesn’t care and they let loose on the dance floor and they’ve got arms and legs flailing about, and you just think absolutely not.

How can they even do those moves in public, in front of people? What are they gonna say about me? That’s one of those icks where there’s a fear or rejection that [00:09:00] emerges because. Yeah, there’s maybe a part of you that wishes you could dance well or would never dream of being so free, and all of a sudden this person’s doing something and you’re worried about what others might think.

It can be a little bit complicated. So if you’re starting to feel the, I want you to ask yourself that question. Are you rejecting them or are you rejecting the part of yourself that they remind you of? The third reason, I mean, there are so many reasons, but there’s three that I’m going to be talking about.

Fear of intimacy. The ick might be trying to protect you from closeness. If getting close feels too risky or unsafe, your body might be trying to shut it down before anything develops. People with dismissive, avoided attachment styles. Are significantly more likely to experience the IIC

One study found that they’re more likely they one study found that they’re more likely to rate their partner’s body odor as equally as disgusting as a strangers while securely attached, people found their partner scent comforting. That lack of emotional [00:10:00] closeness prevents positive associations from forming.

And so if the, it keeps showing up around the same time of the relationship, maybe it’s a few weeks in and you’ve got a pattern of every time I’m dating someone a few weeks in. They do something really weird. Who, who knew what? How is this happening? If you are noticing a pattern, it’s not a coincidence.

It’s a pattern worth taking note of, because it could be about your attachment style. Your body could be finding connection and intimacy as. Something to run away from. And it doesn’t mean that there is danger. Sometimes it means that it’s unfamiliar. It still might be a really good thing for you, but it could be so unfamiliar that you run away from it or you mistaken it for boredom where it should be stability.

And that could be a bit of a sign that maybe your attachment style is preventing you from getting the intimacy that you might really want.

This is sometimes known as the wave of distancing, [00:11:00] and it’s a temporary protection mechanism, not a final verdict. The wave passes and when he does, you can see more clearly whether this is about them. Or about what closeness brings up for you.

I see this happen more often than I would like in my therapy room. Not that I’m opposed to working with people more of a, it saddens me that so many people experience this who might have had tumultuous or difficult childhood and have had really difficult experiences maintaining healthy relationships.

And they get really invested into someone really, really quickly and it feels like an amazing relationship. And they’ve spent up until maybe their first date went from the morning until midnight and they were chatting and texting and doing all these things together. And then sometimes it’s usually two to four weeks in.

It can happen really quickly. It just all ends. And maybe it’s, they made a cutesy noise with their cat and that was like, no, that’s the ick. Or perhaps it was [00:12:00] they ate a certain food or they’ve eaten too much of that food. Or all of a sudden they’re playing a character in a video game. And you just think, how can they possibly do that?

And then. It’s like a light switch goes off and that person just loses total interest. That’s an example of where it’s one of those attachment wounds emerging and being activated and maybe ruining the relationship.

Now there are so many ways that it can show up, and I sometimes wonder if we’re being a little bit too picky. Some of the things that give us the ick are just human moments, and someone trips, someone gets food on their face, they say the wrong thing, and try and recover and make it worse. I mean. We’re already seeing a trend with young people being afraid to speak up in class or to get up and dance at a school event like they’re scared to do things because people might watch and say it’s cringe or catch something as a blooper reel and it goes viral.

And we are living [00:13:00] in a time where we’re so scared to make a mistake to be human. And as an adult you might. Get a lot out of trying new things. I mean, if you’ve never ice skated for the first time and you ice skate and you fall flat on your butt, that’s not an ick. That’s just a human moment. That’s someone trying something fun or novel or interesting and making a mistake.

Or maybe they go to throw a ball and it ends up going in the complete opposite direction. I mean, these are the types of things that are a human moment, and that’s when I think we are being a little bit too picky. They’re not signs of danger. They’re signs that someone has a body,

that they’re nervous, that they’re human.

And I think maybe we’re expecting people to be a little bit too composed to perfectly manicured, emotionally tidy. Always smooth and confident. I mean, really all of those things all at once. Like we’re not living our, our lives with a filter. We can’t just be perfectly curated and present ourselves in a way without [00:14:00] any blemishes, without any human moments.

It makes me think, are we looking for. Connection or are we just trying to avoid being uncomfortable and being awkward?

And I, I, I can see it happen. I see it happen in real life where the, it can show up in a moment where someone is being vulnerable or genuine in a way that feels maybe a little bit messy. And instead of softening, we freeze or we pull away.

And that also tells us something about what we think is acceptable in us, what we think is acceptable in ourselves.

If someone is being clumsy. Or too eager and that makes us recoil. Is it about them or is it about what we’ve been taught to hide

the, it can show us our own discomfort

with realness, not just theirs, but ours too.

Now the.

Sometimes our, its are related to a particular quality that we think is important in a partner. Maybe we want someone super sophisticated and intelligent, [00:15:00] and then they tell us that they like Van Damm movies and we’re just like, what? No. No, no, no. That’s just ick. It challenges something in us. It challenges an idea of what we think a perfect partner might be like, and so it can reinforce these stereotypes or ideas of what we think are attractive and what’s appropriate, and it can keep reinforcing that.

And the thing is it, it likely says nothing about who they are as a person or a partner, and we’ve taken that little bit of information and we’ve just been repulsed by it,

and I think we’re being too picky. In the wrong ways and not picky enough in the right ways. And let me explain that. There are some qualities in people that I think we should be asking that we should have a higher expectation of. And for me, there are things like kindness, empathy, being a clear communicator, or at least willing to learn some of those skills, being a genuinely good person.

Yeah, there are some people who tolerate being spoken [00:16:00] to poorly, see someone being rude because their list of what they want in a partner, I dunno, maybe it’s just very different from mine. And then the its are dismissing things that are actually probably really normal. And things that we should be overlooking.

Awkward moments that we could laugh at, that build memories. Someone willing to give something new, a try and make a mistake. Taking your partner to one of those paint and sip classes and they paint the most hideous thing, you are like, oh my goodness, I don’t even know how we can hang this up in the house, rather than it be a moment of ick and repulsion that they’re not.

A master painter, it can be a moment of connection. I would be more worried about the partner who refuses to give something like that, a go who refuses to accept influence, who doesn’t want to compromise. They’re the kinds of things I think we need to be more discerning about and finding someone who’s willing to show an interest in us.

Catch our bids for connection, compromise, accept, influence. They’re the really important things, not the awkward, funny [00:17:00] human moments that we all just have sometimes. ‘ cause I bet if I look back even at the bloopers and the mistakes that I make when I’m recording, there would be so many moments of cringe.

And that’s, that’s just being human. And that’s, that’s life. So what do you do when the ick shows up?

Try pausing and notice that it’s happening. What exactly triggered that shift?

Was it what they did or how it made you feel? How did you feel about what you saw or heard or smelt? Ask yourself what story you told yourself in that moment. Were you embarrassed? Did you feel smothered? Did remind you of something from the past? Reflect on whether this happens often. Do you feel the ick every time someone gets close, every time things slow down?

Every time someone is emotionally available. You don’t have to push through. You are allowed to listen to it, but I encourage you not to shut down without understanding what it’s trying to protect you from. [00:18:00] The IC is information, but it’s not always the truth. It’s a reaction, and it deserves curiosity, not avoidance.

So if you are one of those people who feels the ick, I want you to ask yourself these questions. What is it that’s really bothering me? And does it say more about me than it does them? Is this discussed or embarrassment? Or fear of vulnerability. I want you to try and understand it. Be curious. Don’t be judgmental.

Just try and understand what’s this really about.

The ick, it’s not silly and that it deserves some reflection. And look, to be honest, I do find it really funny to read those posts about all the different things that give people the ick. Sometimes they’re, they’re really obscure and really funny. I mean, I read one about not wearing socks and with certain shoes or boat shoes or something.

I was like, I don’t even, I don’t even know if I would notice those things. There are some things that. It can be quite funny and it can be laughing moment, but they’re also real people behind those things. Real messy, vulnerable humans who are [00:19:00] just trying to do the best they can. And I think we need to give people a little bit more grace and be a little bit more open-minded.

And so think about those moments that you have the ick and check in with yourself. What’s it really about? You don’t have to stay in situations that feel wrong. I’m not saying that at all. If they’re genuine discomforts and red flags and that it’s unsafe, get outta there.

But you also don’t have to run from every moment of discomfort, and that’s something to try and acknowledge. What makes you uncomfortable doesn’t always mean it’s unsafe. There is a little bit of space in the middle to get curious and check in with yourself, what’s it really about?

And I would love to hear from you. I want to keep this conversation going. Tell me your, its, tell me what your favorite, worst, whatever its are. I want to hear from you.

Thanks for listening. If this episode landed for you, the best thing you can do is share it with someone who might need to hear it too. And if you’re not already following the show, hit Follow on Apple Podcast or Spotify so you don’t miss what’s [00:20:00] coming. You can find the show notes and everything else you need on my website, mariva kakis.com au.

And if you have a question that you unanswered on the podcast, I would love to hear from you. There’ll be a link to that in the show notes.