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Ever find yourself wondering why your desire doesn’t seem to match up with what’s portrayed in the movies? Or maybe you’ve felt like your sex life isn’t quite what others seem to be experiencing? In this episode, I break down some of the most common myths surrounding women’s sexual desire. These misconceptions often leave us feeling like there’s something wrong with us, but the truth is far from what we’ve been led to believe.
I’ll dive deep into what really drives intimacy and desire, drawing on insights from some of the leading experts in this field, including John and Julie Gottman, Esther Perel, and Emily Nagoski. Together, we’ll explore how emotional intimacy, communication, and understanding the different types of desire can change the way we think about sex and our relationships.
Common Myths About Women’s Sexual Desire:
Myth 1: “There’s a perfect sexual experience.”
This is one of the biggest myths. The idea that every sexual encounter should be spontaneous, flawless, and always lead to an orgasm is simply not true. Real intimacy is clumsy, funny, and sometimes messy.
“There is no perfect sexual experience. It doesn’t always work like that. Intimacy builds over time, and we need to let go of that idea.”
Instead of striving for perfection, couples should focus on communication and emotional closeness. This openness can actually reduce the pressure to perform and shift sex from being a performance to an authentic, shared experience. As the Gottmans’ research shows, the couples who build a strong friendship tend to have more fulfilling sex lives. Emotional safety leads to vulnerability, which is key for both emotional and physical intimacy.
Myth 2: “Women should experience spontaneous desire.”
Another common misconception is that desire should just happen out of nowhere, like we often see in movies or TV. But for many women, this isn’t the case.
Emily Nagoski, a leading researcher and author, talks about two types of desire: spontaneous desire, where sexual thoughts or urges appear seemingly out of nowhere, and responsive desire, where arousal builds after intimacy or sexual activity has already begun. Both are completely normal.
“There’s a myth that passion should be automatic, but that’s simply not true. Many women experience responsive desire, which is just as valid as spontaneous desire.”
In fact, many women find that their desire is triggered through affection, touch, or emotional connection rather than feeling an immediate, overwhelming urge for sex. It’s important to understand that this doesn’t mean something is wrong with your relationship or your libido. As Emily Nagoski points out, responsive desire is a healthy and common way to experience arousal.
Myth 3: “Long-term relationships kill sexual desire.”
It’s often said that the longer a relationship lasts, the less sexual desire there is. But the reality is, long-term relationships don’t automatically kill desire – they just require a bit more intentional effort.
Esther Perel’s work on this is especially eye-opening. She talks about how we need both stability and novelty in a relationship to maintain desire. Keeping some mystery and autonomy between partners can help reignite attraction. This could be as simple as doing something new together, or even pursuing separate interests that allow you to see your partner in a new light.
“Long-term relationships don’t just automatically kill sexual desire. They require intentional effort to maintain excitement and novelty.”
By creating opportunities for fun, play, and mystery, couples can foster a sense of excitement that enhances intimacy. It might look like having a staycation, role-playing, or just dressing up and going out separately for a while before reuniting. Whatever it is, giving your relationship the attention it needs is key to maintaining a strong connection, both emotionally and sexually.
Myth 4: “Women are responsible for maintaining sexual desire in a relationship.”
Often, women are seen as the “gatekeepers” of sex, with the responsibility to maintain desire placed squarely on their shoulders. But this is a harmful and inaccurate myth. Sexual satisfaction and health in a relationship are the responsibility of both partners. It’s about open communication, mutual respect, and understanding each other’s needs.
“Mutual respect, understanding, and open communication are key to a healthy sexual relationship. It’s not about one person performing for the other.”
Sexual satisfaction comes from both partners being willing to engage in emotional intimacy, sharing their desires, and creating a space where both feel supported and valued. It’s not about performance or meeting unrealistic expectations. It’s about building a relationship where both people feel emotionally connected and safe to explore their desires.
Key Takeaways:
- Spontaneous vs. responsive desire: Responsive desire is just as valid as spontaneous desire, and many women experience it. Understanding this can reduce feelings of shame or inadequacy.
- There’s no perfect sexual experience: Real sex is often messy and clumsy. Building intimacy over time through emotional connection is what matters most.
- Emotional intimacy fuels sexual satisfaction: Strong emotional bonds, built on friendship and open communication, lead to more fulfilling sexual relationships.
- Desire in long-term relationships can be rekindled: With effort, novelty, and a little mystery, sexual desire can thrive in long-term relationships.
- Sexual health is a shared responsibility: It’s not up to just one partner to maintain a healthy sexual relationship – it takes both people working together to create an emotionally safe and intimate space.
Resources Mentioned:
- Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel: This book delves into the tension between intimacy and desire and how couples can maintain both.
- State of Affairs by Esther Perel: A thoughtful exploration of infidelity, secrets, and the impact they have on relationships.
- Come As You Are and Come Together by Emily Nagoski: A deep dive into women’s sexual wellbeing, arousal, and desire.
- The Gottman Institute’s resources on emotional intimacy, connection, and building a strong friendship with your partner.
The Love Deck App by John and Julie Gottman: A fantastic tool to help couples connect emotionally and explore intimate conversations, including those about sex.
There is no perfect sexual experience. It doesn’t always work like that. Intimacy builds over time, and we need to let go of that idea.
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[00:00:00] Hello and welcome back to This Complex Life. This episode has a little ears warning. We discuss some explicit content. So if you have some little ears listening, best to listen to it at another time. Have you ever wondered why your desire doesn’t match what you see in the movies or perhaps your sex life doesn’t quite seem like what everyone else is doing?
[00:00:28] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: It can be really confusing. And. You’re not alone.
[00:00:31] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: The truth is most about what we know or think we know or believe about women’s desire is total crap. There are so many myths out there that leave people or leave us feeling inadequate, broken, like there’s something wrong with us, or that we’re not doing what someone else or other couples should be doing or are doing.
[00:00:52] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: So today I want to tear some of those myths apart and start talking about what really drives intimacy
[00:00:59] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: and desire.
[00:00:59] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: If you’ve ever questioned your own sexual desire or the pressure to perform, then this is for you.
[00:01:04] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: Welcome to today’s episode where we’re diving deep into the myth surrounding women’s sexuality from the pressure to experience spontaneous desire to the myth of a perfect sexual encounter, these misconceptions can shape how women see themselves and their relationships.
[00:01:18] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: There are so many myths and misconceptions out there that really shape how women experience sex and pleasure. These myths and misconceptions can shape how women see themselves and their relationships. I’m going to draw on some insights from the Gottmans, from Emily Nagoski, from Esther Perel, some of the resources that I use in my work with couples to help explore intimacy, connection and sex
[00:01:39] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: by exploring emotional intimacy, communication and understanding the different types of desire, we can transform the way we think about sex and intimacy. Sex myths are so prevalent and I come across these a lot in my work as a couples therapist. They don’t just affect couples, but they affect individuals, their sense of self, their identity, their willingness to be intimate. And it can create a lot of worry, fear and anxiety. And we know it’s not a surprise that we don’t have great sex education.
[00:02:12] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: And for those who might have had some, it probably didn’t cover desire, pleasure, anything even remotely close to maybe how to how to start a conversation around sex, how to talk about what feels good, how to explore your body and other people’s bodies, there was just there was none of that. I mean. I had, I think, one class on sexual health and it was run by our school reverend.
[00:02:42] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: And it was very STDs, STIs, babies, how to put a condom on a banana, or I don’t even know if there were bananas, but that seems to be a thing from movies. But anyway, different types of contraception, and that’s it. Very kind of health, biology, nothing around consent, which It’s great that that’s changed.
[00:03:02] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: There was nothing around pleasure that, that wasn’t even a word. That was not even something I would have spoken about until I started training in couples therapy. There wasn’t any conversations about this. Even in my undergraduate degree or my master’s degree, there was not a single topic around sex or sexual health.
[00:03:19] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: So there is a big gap. There is a big gap for health professionals and there’s an even bigger gap. For the general public, we don’t talk about this. We don’t know about it. And if we’re not talking about it and we’re not getting our information from reputable sources, it’s likely that people are getting it from their partners or from porn.
[00:03:37] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: And we know that that’s not great, but I’m not going to talk about porn today. Let’s start getting into some of these myths.
[00:03:44] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: There are a few sort of experts in this area that I like to draw on their research they all offer different perspectives and no one has the solution no one resource has all of the solutions, but combined they can be really useful to pick and choose [00:04:00] what’s working for you and what you might need.
[00:04:02] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: One of my favorites is the work by John and Julie Gottman. as a couples therapist who uses the Gottman approach, I love their work. They have some really great resources. And one of the things they talk a lot about is the importance of fondness and admiration and a deep friendship in building intimacy.
[00:04:20] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: They focus on emotional intimacy as being a significant building block to then lead into sexual intimacy. And they talk about a strong friendship, bids for connection, knowing each other’s worlds, having shared meaning, having shared dreams as being part of a healthy relationship. Relationships that have a strong friendship often have a good sexual relationship as well, and their work really centers around building that relationship and that connection with couples.
[00:04:51] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: They’ve also got some really good resources on working through and healing a relationship after An affair or infidelity. And they’ve got some really great things out there as well. So if you’re recovering from an affair and infidelity in your relationship, check out a Gottman trained couples therapist.
[00:05:07] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: They will be a really great resource for that. The next person who’s contributed a lot to this space is Esther Perel and I love her work. She’s got a couple of really great books. Her first one is mating in captivity, which I read several years ago for the first time. , and I. I loved it. It was quite challenging.
[00:05:24] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: It provoked a lot of deep thoughts for me and things I’d never thought about. And then her second book, State of Affairs, looks at infidelity and affairs and secrets and the impact of these across different relationships, why some people have affairs, and they’re not as cliche as you might think. They’re not as simple as you might believe, and they’re very complicated and it’s, they’re really good books.
[00:05:49] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: They’re really great things that I recommend. A lot of her work centers around this idea that we need both fantasy and fun and play and stability, connection, intimacy,
[00:06:01] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: that we need to have this tension between the two, between safety and trust. and novelty and excitement. That love and desire to have this, this kind of tension.
[00:06:12] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: And the third, , noteworthy expert in the field is Emily Nagoski. She’s a well known sex educator, researcher and author.
[00:06:18] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: And her work focuses on women’s sexual wellbeing,, particularly on understanding desire. arousal and sexual health and how they’re influenced by biological, psychological and cultural factors.
[00:06:30] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: So some of the common myths that I have come across in my work, and I’ve probably had some of these myself, and I’m going to be talking about relationships. So couples, sexual encounters with one night stands or friends with benefits. There’s a range of different ways that people engage in sex, and we can cover those in later episodes.
[00:06:48] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: But for now, I’m going to be talking about relationships. One of the myths is that there is a perfect sexual experience. There’s no perfect sexual experience. The myth that there’s a perfect experience that’s spontaneous, flawless. Or always orgasmic is false. It doesn’t always work like that. Intimacy builds over time.
[00:07:08] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: We need open communication and connection, and we don’t need to adhere to a specific sexual script.
[00:07:15] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: And I’m going to talk a little bit about desire in just a moment, but there’s no perfect sexual encounter and we need to let go of that. Sex is clumsy and messy and funny and bodies move in different ways. There can be funny noises and sounds and, you know, It’s not this flawless, perfect thing that you imagine.
[00:07:35] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: So to, to myth bust this, I want to draw on John and Julie Gottman’s work. They’ve extensively studied couples over the decades through the love lab and their research finds that couples who engage in regular bids for connection. And there are some resources about that, that you can find. I’ve done a podcast episode on that and some other resources on my website.
[00:07:57] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: Their research finds that couples who engage in [00:08:00] regular bids for connection, the small gestures like asking about each other’s day, showing an interest in each other’s feelings, tend to have stronger emotional intimacy.
[00:08:09] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: This emotional closeness correlates with higher sexual satisfaction because both partners feel safe, understood, and comfortable. And valued in their relationship
[00:08:21] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: in their book, the seven principles for making marriage work, the Gottman’s explain that emotional connection is a foundation for a fulfilling relationship, including the sexual aspect, emotional safety, emotional safety allows for vulnerability, which is key to intimacy.
[00:08:40] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: Both emotionally and physically. So instead of, instead of striving for the perfect sexual encounter, couples should focus on open communication, vulnerability, and emotional intimacy. This shift can help reduce the pressure to perform and seeing sex as a performance and encourages authentic connection instead.
[00:09:01] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: Mutual respect, understanding, open communication, and knowing each other’s needs. are key to a healthy sexual relationship.
[00:09:10] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: The myth that passion should be automatic. Or that certain rules define a good sexual experience is simply not true.
[00:09:18] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: So there’s a big role of emotional intimacy in sexual satisfaction. If you want to have better sex with your partner, it starts outside the bedroom. It starts with open communication, dialogue, and listening, sexual satisfaction grows when partners invest in emotional closeness.
[00:09:37] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: When people feel more emotionally supported and connected, they’re more likely to experience pleasure and communicate their needs without fear or shame.
[00:09:45] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: What about when there’s a desire discrepancy? I want to talk about the myth of low libido. And Emily Nagoski’s work is excellent for this. She talks a lot about the different ways in which arousal can work. And she makes an important distinction between spontaneous desire, the kind of desire that’s portrayed in movies where sexual thoughts or urges appear seemingly out of nowhere and you just have to have that person right away.
[00:10:12] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: And then there’s responsive desire where arousal builds after intimacy or sexual activity begins.
[00:10:20] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: And this is really important because there is a myth surrounding spontaneous desire and responsive desire. It’s, there is a gender skew here and sometimes women feel like they just don’t have A high libido or their partners might feel rejected if they’re not experiencing that spontaneous desire. But the thing is a lot of women experience responsive desire,
[00:10:45] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: which is just as valid as spontaneous desire. And that’s Her research highlights that women believe that there’s something wrong with them if their desire doesn’t match what they see in movies. If they don’t have that spontaneous desire, they might feel like they’re They’re doing something wrong or that maybe there’s something wrong with their relationship.
[00:11:02] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: It could lead to feelings of shame, inadequacy,
[00:11:05] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: and maybe a reluctance to engage in any sexual activity. So it’s, it’s really important to understand that desire works differently for different people. And some people might not feel desire until they’re already engaged in physical affection, and that’s okay.
[00:11:21] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: Let’s talk about this in terms of a scenario. So we can really try and understand what’s going on here. Let’s picture Sarah. She’s in a loving relationship with her partner, Alex, and after a few years together, Sarah starts to worry about her lack of spontaneous sexual desire.
[00:11:36] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: She notices that unlike when they were first together, she rarely feels that overwhelming urge for sex like she used to when they first started dating. Alex sometimes initiates intimacy, but Sarah worries her hesitation means there’s something wrong with her libido. Reflecting on how spontaneous desire is often portrayed in the media, Sarah Starts to believe that she’s [00:12:00] broken or has lost interest in Alex.
[00:12:03] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: Now, imagine if Sarah learns about responsive desire, how amazing that could be for her understanding of herself and her relationship with Alex, she might realize that her desire is sparked through affection, through touching, through kissing,
[00:12:20] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: or even sharing an intimate conversation. Her desire might not be one that ignites out of the blue and that’s okay. It can happen, physical affection starts, and then that desire can grow.
[00:12:32] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: By sharing, by having this understanding and then sharing it with her partner, it can really change the conversation. If her partner had no idea that there were two different types of desires, and he felt like, She’s no longer feeling attracted to me. Maybe there’s something wrong with me. Does it mean there’s something wrong with the relationship?
[00:12:50] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: And she might be thinking some of those same things. So understanding that desire can, it can change. You might have had one at the start of the relationship or another, and there’s a whole bunch more things in her book. Around what accelerates and what breaks that desire. We’re not going to get into that today, maybe for another episode, but it can be really helpful to understand these things about ourselves, about our biology, about our bodies, and to be able to talk about them with our partner, because the absence of that can really lead to.
[00:13:20] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: conflict. However, in most cases, when I see it come through my therapy room, people aren’t fighting about it. They’re simply not talking about it and sometimes months or even years can go by without the couple having had sex before they even come to seek support.
[00:13:36] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: So whose role is it to maintain sexual health in the relationship? Sometimes this is put on to women as, and women are seen as the gatekeepers of sex and as being responsible for maintaining desire, and that’s simply not true. It takes both people, both parties need to be invested in maintaining a healthy sexual relationship.
[00:13:58] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: It’s not a one-sided thing.
[00:13:59] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: We don’t want to create these unrealistic pressures and expectations for women to be performing sex in a certain way in order to have fulfilling relationships. Sexual responsibility is shared. Both parties are responsible for maintaining sexual health and satisfaction in the relationship.
[00:14:18] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: And so this involves understanding your desire and building on the foundations of your relationship, connection, intimacy, conversation, bids for connection. All of those things go into having a fulfilling sex life.
[00:14:33] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: Um, but Marie, I’m in a long term relationship and that just kills sex.
[00:14:38] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: I would like to challenge that. And Esther Perel’s work is really great for understanding this and trying to bust this myth that long term relationships kill sexual desire. Sure, desire can fade and can wane, but just like with anything, what we put a spotlight on.
[00:14:56] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: But just like so many things in our relationships or in life, we need to invest time in these things. So you can’t expect a plant to grow without watering it, without giving it sunlight, without giving it the proper nutrients. Some plants need a lot more tender care than others. You might have a cactus that needs a little bit of water, or you might have a plant that needs lots of sunlight, lots of water, and is very sensitive to changes in the temperature.
[00:15:20] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: The point is, things need to be tended too, and relationships are no different. Esther Perel’s take on this is a little bit different to some of the other researchers and couples therapists in the field. She talks about this idea of separateness and togetherness, of intimacy and we ness and individuality. And I find these really amazing because it kind of makes sense,
[00:15:44] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: so one of the things she talks about is that. Seeing your partner through new eyes can ignite desire again. So creating opportunities for mystery, for novelty, for autonomy within [00:16:00] relationships is really important for maintaining desire. And she stresses this point that. Long term relationships, they don’t just automatically die.
[00:16:09] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: They require intentional effort to maintain and to maintain desire by embracing independence and allowing space for each partner to be their own person. Couples creating space by pursuing personal growth or individual interests and how that can reignite attraction and sexual desire over time.
[00:16:32] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: So what that looks like practically is having maybe a hobby or an interest or getting dressed up to go out with friends. It could be going dancing. It could be going to the gym. It’s having things that you do separately and then coming back to each other. Maybe you go watch your partner do a presentation when they’re speaking at a conference.
[00:16:51] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: Maybe you see them do something. Outside of the family home. It’s finding ways to keep that novelty and excitement there. It could be role playing. It could be fantasies. It could be having staycations or a weekend away where you do something that is different. Brings that novelty and that excitement.
[00:17:13] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: Mystery back into the relationship and there are some really great resources out there Her book mating in captivity is a really great one. If you want to learn a bit more And the gotmans have a really great app called the love deck or love The Love Deck app, something like that, that has some really great questions on sex that you can go through with your partner.
[00:17:33] marie–she-her-_4_09-18-2024_164644: So hopefully that’s been a bit of a taster about some of the myths around sex. If you want to hear more, let me know, , I’d love to know what you’re interested in and what you want to learn more about. And if you have a question that you want answered, send me a message, send me an email or fill out the anonymous form on the website and I will try and answer it.
