When I tell people I work with teens and families, I get a groan, often met with comments like oh I couldn’t do that or ‘Can I pick your brain’ then get asked a million questions about how to get them to ‘do their homework’ , ‘get off their phone’ or ‘why won’t they just listen to me?’
Parenting teens can feel like you’re fumbling around in the dark sometimes. And from what I’ve seen, it’s not because parents don’t love their kids—they absolutely do. I’ve yet to meet a parent who doesn’t love their kid. But sometimes, that love gets lost in translation. It’s not about doing more or ticking off a list of “good parenting” tasks. It’s about who you are to your child. Parenting isn’t a role you play; it’s a relationship you build.
I remember a young person I worked with, *Alex ( name changed of course), who once said, “I don’t feel like they like me or who I am” That hit me hard. Alex had parents who adored them, but they felt everything they did together was about rules, expectations, or achievements. They were looking for a connection. And that’s what’s missing for so many teens I work with.
It’s easy to see how parents can get stuck. Imagine your child starts behaving in ways that don’t make sense to you or seem out of character. They’re slamming doors, ignoring you, or pushing every boundary they can find. You’re tired, frustrated, and before you know it, you’ve snapped at them, maybe even grounded them. Then comes the guilt. You wonder if you’re being too harsh or if you should just let them get away with it this time. Maybe you blame the school, their friends, or even yourself. And it’s tempting to try a quick-fix solution—something to make the behaviour stop. But here’s the thing: those reactions usually come from a place of stress and panic, not connection. And they often miss the bigger issue.
What I’ve learned is that parenting needs a solid foundation to work. It’s not just about discipline or boundaries—it’s about connection and attachment. Kids don’t need perfect parents (thankfully, because who is?), but they do need to feel safe and valued. Without that connection, even the best advice or strategies won’t land. All the skills in the world can’t compensate for the lack of attachment and connection.
So how do you build that connection, especially when life’s busy, and you have a million things to do? One of the most important things is spending real, quality time together. And no, that doesn’t mean doing more activities or scheduling every moment. It means being fully present. When you’re with your child, put down the phone, turn off the TV, and listen to what they have to say—even if it’s about something as mundane as their favourite YouTuber. Moments like these tell them, “I see you. You matter.”
Check out this podcast episode where I talk about bids for connection
Another big one is showing acceptance. That doesn’t mean you ignore bad behaviour, but it does mean separating who they are from what they’ve done. For example, instead of saying, “You’re being so lazy,” try, “I noticed you’re struggling to finish your homework—what’s going on?” Kids need to know they’re loved and accepted, even when they mess up.
Finally, check in with yourself. How are you feeling? Parenting stress is real, and it can show up in how you react. If you’re short-tempered or running on empty, your child will pick up on that. Sometimes the best way to help your child is to take care of yourself first.
When you focus on the relationship instead of the role, everything starts to shift. A parent isn’t just an authority figure—they’re someone a child turns to when they’re upset, excited, or just need a laugh. That’s what Alex was craving. They didn’t want a parent who only focused on rules or achievements. They wanted someone who curious about their world,who asked questions in a non judgmental way, who saw them for who they were not who they wanted them to be. Who didn’t just yell at them to put away their iPad they wanted someone to say ‘what are you working on? Can I see the game your playing? Or the picture you’re drawing?’
Parenting isn’t about being perfect. It’s messy, emotional, and full of guesswork. But it’s also about showing up, being present, and letting your child know they’re important. Because at the end of the day, it’s not about what you do for them—it’s about who you are to them. And that makes all the difference.
If this resonates with you and you’re wondering how to strengthen the connection with your teenager, my Connected Teens course is here to help. It’s designed to support parents in building deeper, more meaningful relationships with their teens by focusing on communication, trust, and understanding. You’ll learn practical strategies that foster connection while navigating the challenges of raising a teenager in today’s world.
Because every parent deserves to feel confident in their relationship with their child—and every teen deserves to feel truly seen. Find out more book now