[00:00:00]  Hello, and welcome to this complex life today. I am talking all about anxiety and in particular answering the question, why does my teen seem so anxious and how can I help? And this is part of a miniseries and I’m doing all about parenting teens and how to support them. So she live with work with, or parent a teenager. Then there’s something in these episodes for you. 

[00:00:30]  And if you have a question that you want answered, get in touch. I’d love to hear from you. And I’ll try and answer it on the podcast. 

[00:00:36]  teen anxiety goes beyond normal stress. And I have an episode, , talking about overwhelm. And if you think maybe my teen’s more overwhelmed than anxious. You might want to check that one out too. 

[00:00:46]  I’ll pop a link to that in the show notes. But the thing is. Anxiety’s a feeling that we all have. And while I love that there is more recognition around mental health and emotions. And there was when I was growing up. And hopefully it keeps heading in a positive direction. There are a lot of misconceptions when it comes to some of the language. 

[00:01:02]  And I hear young people say I have anxiety. And an anxiety disorder is very different to feeling anxious. It makes sense that we would feel anxious or scared. It’s a feeling that we all have, we all need, and it’s very, very functional. But not everyone who feels anxious has an anxiety disorder. And when we’re looking at an anxiety disorder, it is severe long lasting. Anxiety that impacts day-to-day functioning. Not, I feel anxious about an exam or I feel anxious about catching a flight. 

[00:01:28]  They’re very different things. So anxiety is a normal, natural feeling. Feeling anxious. It doesn’t mean you’re having a panic attack. So there’s a lot of language that still needs to be. Unpacked and understood for people. So hopefully we can bust some of those myths today, and I can give you some things to look out for when anxiety is normal and healthy. And when it might require a little bit of extra support. Anxiety. 

[00:01:51]  A lot of it is physical. Psychological. There’s so much happening. We feel like we’re losing control. We can feel overwhelmed. We can feel frightened, scared. There’s a lot happening. And for parents it’s really important to listen with empathy and create a calm environment. And avoid dismissing the feeling. 

[00:02:10]  So if their teen is feeling all of those things, We want to try and support them and keep things.calm. 

[00:02:17]  So I wanna talk a little bit about understanding anxiety in teens. It’s normal for teens to experience stress, but ongoing anxiety is more than just typical worries. So anxiety can manifest as excessive fear, nervousness or avoidance. And it could also just be momentary as well. I know that I would feel anxious before a job interview, or I felt anxious about. 

[00:02:36]  Public speaking in particular. 

[00:02:37]  So anxiety is a feeling and that makes sense to feel. And for some people that can be more frequent, more intense. And stress to me is more around a specific project or event. So you might feel stress when you have a lot of things going on. Maybe there’s a bit of stress before and upcoming presentation that can come with anxiety, but often when it’s done or that project’s complete, or that task is ticked off. The stress can go. 

[00:03:01]  So stress can feel kind of cumulative as well and anxiety. Can be afterward. So I might feel, stressed about. A particular project maybe have gotten a lots of podcasts episodes to edit, and once they kind of done. That stresses over anxiety might be worrying about my gosh. Did I say it right? Did I do it well? Did I have spell check? 

[00:03:21]  Have I forgotten something? And it’s constant rumination and there’s a number of unhelpful thinking styles. That can come with anxiety. that can keep that cycle going and going. So developmentally teens are going through a number of changes and there’s a critical phase of brain development. We’re emotional regulation is still maturing. And they, this combined with some of the pressures that they face can make them a little more prone to anxiety. And also, they haven’t quite learned how to navigate that yet and how to deal with it. 

[00:03:48]  So it gives caregivers, parents, teachers, educators, a really good opportunity to help them along the way to know what to expect, to know what feelings are okay. That they’re valid. [00:04:00] And how to cope with some of their challenging feelings and thoughts. With that dismissing that and with. It was support so that they know how to do it in the future. So what causes anxiety? 

[00:04:12]  So actually there’s a lot of things that, so the teens that I talk with are anxious about. , it can be school performance exams, future prospects. They might feel a lot of pressure to succeed. Fearing failure, disappointment, sometimes social things appear relationships fitting in navigating complexities of friendships or romantic relationships are all major stresses. And social media can really amplify some of these feelings by creating that constant comparison to others. And there’s all sorts certainty about the future. 

[00:04:42]  They worry about what comes after school. Whether it’s university career choices. Uh, adult hood in general. They might be worried about their, um, future prospects. I mean, the, hear the news, they see what’s happening out in the world with climate change, with. Political unrest. I mean, there’s a lot happening. They can see this and that can create some level of uncertainty and anxiety. Some of them. We’re really impacted by COVID and the lockdowns. And there. I probably worried about something like that happening again about their choices and they freedom is being taken away. And there’s also family dynamics or tensions at home high parent expectations. Maybe parents are separating or re partnering or having to move house or losing jobs like. These are life things. 

[00:05:27]  They happen. And it can create some anxiety for young people. So we want to be mindful of all these different environmental factors. We don’t have to have this perfectly paved road full of. You’re free of all different anxiety triggers. Cause that’s not possible. I’m just showing you highlighting some of the things that can create some anxiety. And how we can support them. 

[00:05:47]  That goes on to get rid of all of these obstacles. It’s not possible, but it’s still learn that anxiety is a normal feeling. And that it might be something your teen is experiencing and some ways that you can support them. So pressure from parents that can lead to anxiety. And this is one of the hardest ones, because I think if your parents are the ones who you feel anxious to disappoint or there’s high parental expectation or pressure. It also means that they’re probably not the ones that you want to go to for support to manage that anxiety. 

[00:06:13]  So you kind of have a double dose there of that could be contributing to it. And then they’re not the ones that you want to go to for support. So we really want to balance that we want to balance. How much pressure and expectation you’re putting on academic success and future plans. ’cause that might leave them feeling that nothing they do is ever good enough and it can really intensify that anxiety. there’s nagging and overloading. 

[00:06:35]  So repeated reminders and demands that can make them feel overwhelmed, especially when they’re maybe already feeling anxious or they they’re really doing the best that they can. And they might feel that you think they’re lazy or responsible, you might even say those things. So that can be really impactful to them as well. And when you communicate with them, It’s maybe offering too many solutions, so they might come home and say, I got a B plus on. An English. Essay. 

[00:06:59]  And instead of saying, that’s great. You might say, well, why didn’t you get an a, or do you need a tutor? Or should we do this? I can read the book with you and peppering them with questions and offering lots and lots of solutions. That’s going to shut down that conversation. And that can create some overwhelm and some anxiety as well. So, what are we looking for in teens? 

[00:07:16]  It can show up in a number of ways we’re looking for physical symptoms. So they might complain of headaches, stomach aches, fatigue, difficulty sleeping. , those physical symptoms are real and they can be the body’s response to stress and anxiety. You might see their normalise change. So emotional. Withdrawal. , the retreat into their room or refusing to engage in certain things they used to enjoy. And then we might see perfectionism and overthinking. 

[00:07:40]  So might spend lots of time overthinking things worrying about worst case scenarios. Obsessing over details in an attempt to avoid making mistakes or not getting started because it’s not perfect. And that perfectionism often stems from a fear of failure. So if they’re not taking action or something, cause they want it to be perfect or they’re drafting and redrafting and redrafting it. 

[00:07:59]  But the [00:08:00] parent has no idea. You might just say they see that and think, oh, they’re being lazy or they’re not trying when in fact they’re so worried about getting it wrong. That they’re paralyzed by that fear. That’s not being lazy. So it’s a very important distinction there. Another thing I’ve seen. And I’ve talked about this in some previous episodes is not allowing for what I call dignity of risk. And that is overprotecting them to the point where they haven’t had to learn to solve problems on their own. And I love the book. Hold on to your kids by Campbell Martay talks about this a little bit as well. 

[00:08:32]  And there’s a number of other places that talk about this, but we need to allow them to face challenges and make mistakes that helps build resilience. It’s not getting rid of everything. But allowing them to problem solve some things. And recognize the satisfaction that comes with figuring that out with being able to regulate their emotion enough to problem solve. So let’s say they caught the wrong train and they ended up somewhere else instead of jumping in the car straight away to rescue them. 

[00:08:58]  Unless safety is a concern, right? If it’s really unsafe, then you might say, look, just catch a taxi or pay for it and get here. Or. Where are you all organize a new boat or whatever that’s different, but if it’s just, they’ve got the time, it’s not urgent. It’s letting them take some breaths, figure it out. Maybe they go to a conductor, they look at the map, they use Google maps. 

[00:09:19]  They find a way to get back on track. So there’s, there’s staged. Options, I guess for what age they are. What freedom you give them? And that comes with L now in them to make some mistakes that are. 

[00:09:32]  Safe for them. Okay. So we don’t want to just let them run wild and do whatever. That’s not what I’m saying at all. it’s allowing opportunities to make mistakes. And to learn that they can do it because that builds resilience, that builds confidence that they can handle something that’s really important. 

[00:09:47]  So I’m just going to take a short break and then I will be back with some other things that parents can do to help with managing anxiety. 

[00:09:53]  So teens need to feel heard. And if your teen is saying things to you, like you just don’t listen to me. , then maybe that’s an area of improvement that you can make is being a more empathetic listener. Not judging, not dismissing. If they express anxiety. Focus on listening with empathy rather than offering solutions. Now empathy doesn’t mean you have to agree, and it doesn’t mean that you endorse or you think that that’s also true. 

[00:10:22]  It means you can understand that for them. That’s how it feels. simple phrases. Like I understand this is hard for you. Oh, that sounds really hard. I’d feel that way too. It makes sense. Why you might feel left out if your friends didn’t invite you to. A birthday party. 

[00:10:40]  No wonder you feel disappointed when you tried so hard to hand in that work on time. Yeah, it’s not around challenging that. Or if you just did this, if we just did that or I can help you next time. It’s empathizing because this is how they learn. To sit with that feeling. They learn to tolerate the discomfort that comes with feeling anxious because it’s really, really uncomfortable. 

[00:11:03]  And so if we. As adults try to jump in and problem solve and fix things. It. Takes away an opportunity for them to learn that over time. 

[00:11:12]  Create a calm environment. They’re more likely to open up about their anxiety when they feel safe and calm. And that’s emotionally safe without you trying to jump in and fix things without invalidating belittling or judging or criticizing. And then I want you to think about how do you name the emotions. Yeah. 

[00:11:29]  So Dan Siegel’s concept of, we have to name it to tame. It is really helpful here. Encourage them to name what they’re feeling. But don’t overwhelm them again by saying, how do you feel? What is it? What is it? It could be saying. It looks like you feel overwhelmed right now. I say that you’re a little bit anxious. 

[00:11:46]  I wonder if you’re a bit scared of what might happen. Okay. This language slowly sprinkling that in, helps them begin to understand and manage their emotions better. Labeling them. Labeling the feeling the emotion. [00:12:00] Actually helps us have some, a bit more control over it and can feel this overwhelming. 

[00:12:05]  Cause it’s separates us from saying I am anxious as I’m feeling anxious. Okay. And then we might get to the point. It’s like, I notice I’m feeling anxious. So we can really start to understand it and that comes with naming it. 

[00:12:17]  So how can we manage the anxiety? we can encourage self care and relaxation activities, finding hobbies together, but the timing has to be. Careful here. And it’s very easy to just say, well, have you tried an app? If you’d done this, have you done that? And again, offer solutions, but just dump it all on someone. They might need support to do that. 

[00:12:37]  Remember they are still learning this. It might be like, Hey, I’m actually, I find that I’m anxious too. And I have a presentation. Why don’t we do this together or how bad every night we set aside five minutes and went to do this. Together or with you, or it’s showing that you care. That’s a really big thing that you can do is show care. And offered to do somethings together. And also maintaining a good level of physical movement can be really helpful for some people. 

[00:13:08]  So. That anxiety, that baseline can be shifted so we can feel a little bit more robust if we’ve moved our bodies. Uh, hobbies, mindfulness practices. All of these are really great things, too. And to let them see you doing some of this as well. So if you come home after a big day, And, you know, you can tell it someone’s a bit anxious or a little bit twitchy. you might be able to say, look, I’m going to go for a run around the block, or I’m going to go for a walk. Just so I can kind of process some of my anxiety. So you can overt what you’re doing. 

[00:13:41]  If you’ve got some good tools, let them know it could be, look, I’m going to go read my book before bed. Because it helps me just clear my mind and get a good night’s sleep so you can let them know if you’ve got some really good tips that you have found helpful for you. You might just start overtaking those throughout your week throughout the routine that you have so they can get a bit of an idea. You know, I used to love and I still do a cup of tea. Um, make a nice pot. 

[00:14:04]  I have different herbal flavors and I’ll sit down with a pot of tea, have a couple of cups. Read a book that seems to help me at the end of the day. So you might be able to bring in some of those little traditions or things as a family. 

[00:14:17]  And the last thing I want to talk about and it sort of tacts onto the earlier point around how you talk about it, but it’s around avoiding judgment and criticism. 

[00:14:27]  So avoid dismissing their anxiety, even if what they’re anxious about seems really small to you. Remember that those feelings are valid. And you don’t have to fix it. You don’t have to take it away if they feel anxious because. They going to school tomorrow and they’ve had a bit of a rupture with a friendship group. 

[00:14:45]  You don’t have to say, well, that’s silly or don’t worry about it. You’ll be fine. Because they are worried about it and they don’t know that it’s going to be fine or it might not be fine. It might be small and yes, you might not have any friends from high school in 10 years time. So it might be a really insignificant thing. that’s not helpful to them. Letting them know that their feelings are valid. So. Saying things like there’s nothing to worry about or you’re overreacting can make them feel really misunderstood and discourage them from opening up again. 

[00:15:11]  So instead of dismissing their worries, reassure them that it’s okay to feel anxious that you’re there to support them. And even say, yeah, that makes sense. That that would be anxiety provoking. Yeah, I can see why you’re nervous. And that’s it. We don’t need to fix it. We don’t need to take the anxiety away. That’s not your job. It’s impossible to do. 

[00:15:29]  Life will come with full of things that have moments where it’ll push you into anxiety. Your job’s not to take it away. It’s to help them navigate that themselves so that they feel I can feel calm and confident. And know what they need to do when life. Inevitably throws them situations that will happen, that will create anxiety. And on the flip side of that, you don’t need to play devil’s advocate. 

[00:15:52]  You don’t need to be like, well, they’re going to be, you gotta be tough and life is going to throw you all these things. So I’m just going to play devil’s advocate [00:16:00] here and say, well, what about this? And what about that? Because then where is safe. If the world is already so hard and tough and difficult, and home is trying to prepare you for that in a tough way, then you have nowhere that you can actually decompress that you can feel safe, supported. That can cushion you when you fall. 

[00:16:16]  And they really, really need that. 

[00:16:20]  So when should you seek professional help? Signs that anxiety might need support. Now, this is very, very different for everybody. And you might need to consult with your own general practitioner or mental health professional in your area if you’ve got some concerns, but if you’re noticing things like. Their anxiety is affecting their ability to function in day-to-day life. 

[00:16:37]  So avoiding school with drove from friends. Showing signs of panic attacks. That might be time to consider professional help. Talk openly about mental health and how seeking support is normal and healthy way to cope. Offering them maybe to help them find a counselor or a therapist can make the process feel less daunting. And you can normalise therapy as well. 

[00:16:57]  If you’ve gone in the past or if you’ve explored couples therapy, or if you’ve gone to some sort of coaching or what kind of psychology support or group program. You can mention that as well, that can help normalise. Reaching out for help and promote some positive help-seeking normalise. Thank you for listening. 

[00:17:12]  And if you have a question that you want answered on the podcast, Feel free to get in touch. And if you want to learn more about my connected teens course, there’ll be a link in the show notes below. It is a course that I created that I would love all parents do. I think it’s a really great starting point to help you understand how to balance some of these complex issues. , to maintain a strong connection with your teen while also respecting their autonomy and their individuality, and then wanting to be independent young people.