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Discussing sex, consent, and relationships with kids and teens can feel like navigating uncharted waters. Many parents grew up in environments where these topics were either brushed aside or handled with awkwardness, leaving them unsure of how to approach these conversations with their own children. However, starting these discussions early and with confidence is crucial for fostering a healthy understanding of sexuality, boundaries, and respect.
What Age Should I Start Talking to My Child About Sex?
Many parents wonder when the right time is to start talking to their children about sex. The truth is, it’s never too early to begin. You can introduce basic concepts like body parts, privacy, and consent from a young age. These early conversations lay the groundwork for more detailed discussions as your child ages.
- Early Childhood: Start with the basics—naming body parts correctly, explaining privacy, and discussing why certain parts are private.
- Ages 7-8: Begin to introduce topics like gender identity, different types of families, and the changes that come with puberty.
- Pre-Teens (around 12): By this age, children should have a basic understanding of why people have sex, the importance of consent, and that it’s okay to say no.
It’s important to tailor the conversation to your child’s developmental stage, gradually building on what they know as they grow.
How Can I Normalise Conversations About Sex and Consent?
Normalising conversations about sex and consent can help your child feel more comfortable coming to you with questions or concerns. It’s all about making these discussions a regular, non-judgemental part of your communication.
- Use Everyday Moments: Whether it’s a scene in a TV show (I highly recommend watching Sex Education together) or a topic that comes up during a family activity, use these moments to naturally introduce discussions about sex, consent, and relationships.
- Stay Calm and Open: Approach these conversations with an open mind and a calm demeanour. Avoid jumping in with problem-solving or criticism—your goal is to listen and guide.
- Lead by Example: Show your children what respect, healthy communication, and consent look like in your relationships. They learn a lot from observing the adults in their lives.
By making these topics a normal part of everyday conversation, you reduce the stigma and awkwardness that often surrounds them.
How Do I Teach My Child About Consent?
Teaching consent is one of the most important things you can do to prepare your child for healthy relationships. Consent isn’t just about saying “yes” or “no”; it’s about mutual respect, communication, and understanding.
- Start Early: Consent can be introduced in simple ways from a young age—teach your child that their body belongs to them and that they have the right to say no to unwanted touch, even from family members.
- Affirmative and Ongoing: Consent should be clear and enthusiastic, and it’s something that needs to be checked at every stage of an interaction. Make sure your child understands that consent is not a one-time thing; it’s an ongoing conversation.
- Use Real-Life Examples: Discuss how consent applies not just in sexual situations, but in everyday interactions—like sharing personal information or physical affection. This helps to reinforce the concept in a variety of contexts.
Encouraging your child to respect others’ boundaries and to communicate their own helps to foster a culture of consent that will benefit them throughout their lives.
How Can I Make Conversations About Sex Less Awkward?
It’s common for both parents and kids to feel awkward when discussing sex, but it doesn’t have to be that way. The key is to create an environment where your child feels safe and supported.
- Acknowledge the Awkwardness: It’s okay to admit that these conversations might feel a bit strange, especially if you haven’t had them before. Let your child know that it’s normal to feel this way, but that these discussions are important.
- Be Honest and Age-Appropriate: Answer your child’s questions truthfully, but keep the information appropriate to their age and understanding. It’s fine to say, “We can talk more about that when you’re older.”
- Use Resources: If you’re unsure how to start the conversation or feel uncomfortable, it’s perfectly okay to rely on books, websites, or even videos to help guide the discussion. You can also prepare by jotting down some notes on your phone before you begin.
Remember, your goal is to be a trusted source of information for your child, so they feel comfortable coming to you with any questions or concerns.
How Do I Address Questions About Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation?
Children are increasingly aware of diverse gender identities and sexual orientations, and they may come to you with questions. It’s crucial to respond in an inclusive and supportive way.
- Use Inclusive Language: When talking about relationships, use gender-neutral terms and discuss a range of identities and orientations, not just heterosexual and cisgendered norms.
- Be Open to Learning: If your child asks a question you’re unsure about, it’s okay to say, “Let’s find out together.” This shows that learning is a lifelong process and that it’s okay not to have all the answers.
- Model Respect: Your child takes cues from you, so be mindful of how you talk about others. Avoid judgemental comments about people’s identities or orientations, as this can deeply affect how your child views these topics.
By creating a supportive environment, you help your child understand that all identities and orientations deserve respect and acceptance.
What Should I Do if My Child Seems Embarrassed or Unwilling to Talk About Sex?
If your child seems embarrassed or resistant to discussing sex, it’s important to respect their feelings while still making it clear that you’re available to talk when they’re ready.
- Acknowledge Their Feelings: Let your child know that it’s normal to feel embarrassed and that you’re there to support them whenever they’re ready to talk.
- Offer Alternatives: If direct conversations are difficult, suggest other ways they can learn—like books, reputable websites, or talking to a trusted relative or older sibling.
- Keep the Door Open: Even if your child isn’t ready to talk now, regularly remind them that you’re available to answer any questions they might have in the future.
By respecting their boundaries while still making it clear that these conversations are important, you can help reduce the discomfort over time.
How Do I Ensure the Information My Child Gets is Accurate?
It’s crucial to be the go-to source for accurate information about sex, consent, and relationships. Misinformation can lead to confusion and potentially harmful situations.
- Be the Primary Source: Start conversations early and check in regularly with your child about what they’re learning from school, friends, or online. This helps establish you as a trusted source of information.
- Discuss Media Literacy: Teach your child how to evaluate the information they come across, especially online. Discuss the inaccuracies often found in media, including pornography, and explain how these representations differ from real-life experiences.
- Stay Engaged: Regularly ask your child about what they’re learning and correct any misinformation as soon as you spot it. This ongoing dialogue helps keep them informed and safe.
By taking an active role in your child’s education about sex and relationships, you help ensure they have the accurate information they need to make healthy decisions.
Talking to kids and teens about sex, consent, and relationships may feel daunting, but it’s one of the most important things you can do to prepare them for healthy, respectful interactions throughout their lives. Start early, be honest, and create a supportive environment where these conversations can happen naturally.
If you’ve got any questions or need further advice, feel free to reach out—support is available to help navigate this crucial part of parenting.
We need to be talking about it. And if you’re asking when? It’s from now. Whatever age they’re at, right now is the right age to start having conversations around sexuality, sex, and consent.
Consent also has to be affirmative and ongoing. It’s not just about saying yes or no once; it’s an ongoing conversation where both people should feel comfortable at every stage.
Be honest and admit, this is kind of awkward. We haven’t had these conversations before, but I’m really proud of you for asking and thank you so much for trusting me.
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[00:00:00] Hello and welcome to This Complex Life. This episode has a bit of a little ears warning, so if you’ve got some little ears around, perhaps listen to this at a late date. It contains some adult only material and some explicit content. Sexting, polyamory, gender identity, sexuality, porn, consent, the world of sex and sexual health is full of things that we might not have talked about before.
[00:00:26] I know when I was growing up, we didn’t talk about any of these things. Sex was very much a biological thing that you learnt about, how babies are made, and that was pretty much it. I’m pretty sure we even had one sex education class with our School reverent, right? I mean, of all people to do the class.
[00:00:45] There was no conversation beyond that. This is one of the questions I get a lot from parents. How to talk to kids about sex. And I’m going to dive into some of the common questions that I get from folks. Starting off, what age should I be talking to my child about sex? And how much information is appropriate for their age?
[00:01:04] Now my specialty is mostly around working with adolescents, so I’m going to spend most of my time talking about what to do and what to say for them. Let’s get started. There are some key things here that I find people struggle with, and some think they’re protecting their kids by not talking to them honestly about sex.
[00:01:21] And I hate to break it to you, but that’s just not the case. We need to be talking about it, and if you’re asking when, It’s from now. It’s from whenever you’re listening to this, whatever age they’re, they’re at now, right now is the right age to start having conversations around sexuality, sex and consent.
[00:01:42] And it’s not just about biology and mechanics. Yes, there’s the mechanics of sex. There’s what goes where and how, and there’s safety and STDs and STIs and all of that stuff that you do want to talk about, but you also want to talk about what sex. can mean, what it can offer, how people can connect with it, and how sex can look very different for different folks with different bodies, different abilities, different desires, different wants, needs, etc.
[00:02:11] And we want to be really careful here that we’re not yucking someone’s yum, so we’re not judgmental about other people’s sexual preferences and what they like, what they don’t like. And even though you might not say that directly, if they overhear you kind of talking about that stuff, it can leave an impact.
[00:02:28] So you need to talk about all of it at an age appropriate way. From early education, we start with basic concepts like body parts, You know, privacy in early childhood and using the correct names for body parts and explain that some parts are private. You build on those gradually, you can add more detail, you can focus on basics of sort of where babies come from, and older children can learn about puberty, consent, and safe sex.
[00:02:56] So you start to build that up. Over time, around maybe seven or eight, you’re talking about gender identity, different family profiles. Kids might start to learn a bit more about, you know, puberty and how their body might change, what’s going on for different types of bodies, and then we slowly start building from there.
[00:03:15] So kids learning then about consent, about healthy relationships, crushes, dating, all of that kind of stuff. And then as we get to those tween years, By about 12, they should start to know the basics of everything. Why people have sex. That they don’t have to, if they don’t want to. That sex is normal. It’s a healthy part of life.
[00:03:35] These conversations should be around what sex is, not how to do it. And then alongside that is the need for appropriate information around sex and their bodies. And this, you know, here is a really important part to advocate for and teach them the importance of consent and body boundaries. So how do you talk about consent?
[00:03:53] It starts at home, and it starts from when they’re young. So, if you’ve got little ones, you have a chance to maybe do this different. But common consent violations parents can make is maybe tickling past the point of consent. Being forced to give or share affection, or any time a no is not respected. And then we move into adult consent.
[00:04:15] teenage relationships. So in talking to teens around consent, we need to define consent clearly. And some of these things you might be listening to and thinking, I don’t even know how to do these. So go and learn how. Read some books, watch some videos, get some reputable information so that you can feel comfortable with the language so that you can then share it with them.
[00:04:37] So start off by explaining consent. Make sure that they understand that it means agreeing to something willingly and enthusiastically. It’s about mutual agreement without any pressure, manipulation or fear. Manipulation can also be someone sulking or being moody or withdrawing from them. They’re still manipulating them.
[00:04:58] So letting them know what that looks like. You might not, you might need to even unpack what manipulation looks like, what it means, ask them questions, maybe say, when I say without manipulation, what does that mean to you? And they say, well, I don’t know. Then you can say, Oh, well, what if it’s this? What’s that?
[00:05:13] What would it look like? So unpack those things, take it slow. Be it, consent also has to be affirmative and ongoing. It’s not about just saying yes or no. Once it’s an ongoing conversation, both people should feel comfortable at every stage. No means no and yes means yes. But doesn’t mean that yes is always a hard yes or it can’t be taken away.
[00:05:36] So make it clear that if someone isn’t sure and doesn’t respond or says no at any point it means consent hasn’t been given and we need to be looking at that enthusiastic consent. So someone might shrug and say okay because they’re scared or they’re overwhelmed. That doesn’t give you the green light.
[00:05:54] Discuss the importance of respect and boundaries. Respecting personal boundaries is so important, so teach them about that. How everyone has the right to set their own boundaries regarding physical touch, affection, intimacy, and those boundaries must be respected at all time. That can be hard for some families who might force their children to kiss a grandparent or hug an auntie or uncle or do those things.
[00:06:17] If that has not been respected for them growing up, this might be a really tricky one. So start from young and let them know that their body autonomy is respected, that nobody’s going to touch them without their consent, without them wanting to. Emphasize that pressuring someone into doing something they’re uncomfortable with is never acceptable.
[00:06:37] And a healthy relationship involves mutual respect and understanding. And encourage them to check in regularly, to check with their partner, how they’re feeling. And how to listen actively to their responses and checking in helps note, helps them ensure that both people are safe and respected. It’s not just enough to sort of reel these off as a kind of a checklist.
[00:06:59] Sometimes we need to know examples of how to say it or how to phrase it. So if we’re having a conversation and checking in regularly, for example, it might be saying, how might you do that? Or here are a couple of sentences that I might use. Do any of them feel okay for you? So it’s actually giving them some language or some, some kind of Scripts that they can fall back on and they can kind of work with and make it their own We want to talk about consent in different contexts So it’s just this can be beyond sexual activity that consent is important in many situations You know showing personal information physical affection and different social media interactions and you can talk about that and boundaries as well And digital consent.
[00:07:43] So talking about the importance of getting consent before sharing or posting photos or private conversations, just like in person, respecting someone’s digital boundaries is also really important. And lead by example. This one is, is one of the things that I talk about in All of my episodes around working with teens or having teens or parenting, it’s leading by example.
[00:08:05] So they can’t be what they can’t see. So show your teen what respect looks like, what good communication looks like, what consent looks like in everyday interactions. They learn a lot. A lot by observing adults behavior. You can discuss how it’s portrayed in media. So how consent is portrayed in movies, in TV shows and online, and use these as opportunities to discuss what’s healthy, what a healthy relationship can look like or should look like, and encourage empathy.
[00:08:35] So help them understand the importance of considering another person’s feelings and encourage them to think about how they would want to be treated in that situation. Not when they’ve come to you to talk about a problem. If you’re empathizing with the other person or saying, well, how do you think it made that person feel you’ve missed validating their experience.
[00:08:52] And I’ve got an episode a little while back that you can check out around that called why my team listened to me. So when we’re talking about helping them understand the other person’s perspective, it’s when we’re nutting things out or brainstorming or kind of observing maybe characters in a TV show and you’re looking at.
[00:09:08] What might the other person be feeling in that situation? So, how do I start a conversation about sex with my child without making it awkward? Well, they might not know it’s awkward to talk about sex unless you make it awkward. So if you’ve never had these conversations before and now you’ve got
a 15 year old and you listen to this and you’re like, Oh crap, Marie said I should talk to them now.
[00:09:32] They might find it a bit awkward because it has been awkward in your family. What you don’t talk about shows them what’s true. Appropriate or not appropriate to talk about so if you’ve never talked about it if you don’t mention it Yeah, that’s gonna be awkward. So that’s and that’s kind of being that’s gonna be the reality It’s not their job to ask questions about sex It’s the parents job to make that information available and to make it accessible and to talk about it in a way that feels comfortable from Whatever age they’re at.
[00:10:03] So talking about topics relating to sex, it can be tricky. It can be difficult. It can be very triggering for adults and it can actually bring up the discomfort that you might’ve felt when your parents were talking to you or when a teacher was talking to you, it might bring up all sorts of things. So if that is happening for you.
[00:10:21] Get some support around that so that you can have these conversations in a way that feels safe and comfortable for all the people involved. Normalize conversations around bodies, relationships, and boundaries from a young age. This can help them set that stage for more specific talks. Use everyday moments like when the topic comes up on TV or during everyday activities to introduce a subject in a natural way.
[00:10:49] So you can sprinkle in language that feels appropriate for those different situations. Keep in mind to stay calm and open. Approach the conversation in a non judgmental tone and let them know it’s okay to ask questions and that you’re there to support them. Don’t jump in with problem solving, don’t jump in to try and fix things and don’t jump in to criticize or judge or say something like how dare you or you’re way too young for that or some big explosion.
[00:11:16] You don’t want them to be running away from you when something happens. You want them to come to you to have that trusting relationship there. Be honest and age appropriate. Answer questions honestly, but keep the information appropriate to their age and the developmental stage. It’s okay to say, we can talk more about that when you’re older.
[00:11:35] It’s also okay to say, that’s a really good question and you’ve caught me a little off guard. Can we make a time to talk about it so I can just make sure that I’ve got all my thoughts in order, or I’ve actually been thinking about having
a conversation with you about this, and there’s a few things that I want to make sure I talk to you about.
[00:11:53] Can we talk about this later? And pick a time, you can go do some of your research, maybe you can take some dot points on your phone. That’s fine, I think that role model is a really good, uh, Authenticity and a vulnerability to say, Hey, I don’t know everything right now. And you’ve caught me off guard and I’m not going to be my best self.
[00:12:10] But if you do need to go research some stuff or have some things ready, I think that shows you care a lot. How lovely is that? That you care enough that you pause the conversation so you can center yourself, calm yourself, and then you go find the information you need. You might have that ready. Don’t print out like booklets and booklets and make it that’ll make it really awkward But you might have some notes on your phone if it helps you can and keep track or some kind of dot points or something I think that’s totally fine and talk about why you’re doing that because this is an important topic.
[00:12:40] I don’t want to get it wrong My parents may be messed it up Well, I didn’t learn about this in school and I want to make sure that I Cover a few things that are actually really important to me that I’d like you to know about And I’m just going to read off the notes that I’ve got with me so that I can cover everything.
[00:12:55] Just be honest and admit this is kind of awkward. We haven’t had these conversations before or I’m actually really proud of you for asking and thank you so much for trusting me. So affirm their curiosity. Be prepared. Go prepare if you need to. You’ll be fine. You’ll get through this. How do I address questions about gender identity and sexual orientation in an inclusive and supportive way?
[00:13:20] So this is, this is a really common one. We want to stop showing judgment around, about others. So even if you’re saying you’re not judgmental for them, if they came home and said that they’ve got a crush on someone of the same gender, Sex or gender or, you know, something like that. It’s not enough to say, well, I wouldn’t judge you.
[00:13:37] A lot of the queer folk that I work with have these memories of their parents commenting on other people outside of the family of commenting on celebrities, on, um, sportsmen, on sports women, on, on other people making these comments. Using words as insults and that has stuck in their mind and it’s been part of their, their, their pain or their kind of emotional wounds.
[00:14:05] And for some people it meant for them for a long time, they didn’t feel that they could talk about their sexuality or their gender because they had heard people in their lives respond negatively to other people. Even teachers, you Child yells out something like faggot from the back of the classroom and the teacher just kind of Rolls their eyes like come on dude again doesn’t like say anything and just keeps going For a kid in the class who might be questioning their sexuality They might see that as oh, this is not safe because nobody held that person accountable for saying something so hurtful So what you say about other people is very Very important.
[00:14:47] Affirm diversity, explain that people can love and identify in many different ways and that all identities and orientations deserve respect and acceptance. Use inclusive language when talking about relationships, gender neutral terms, discuss a range of identities and orientations and not just heterosexual and cisgendered norms.
[00:15:07] If you are uncomfortable with some of that language, you don’t know what it means. There are some really great resources out there that you can find that can help you understand what they mean and be open to learning. If your child asks something that you’re unsure about, it’s okay to say, you know, let’s find out together.
[00:15:22] That’s actually a really good question. It can show that learning is a lifelong process. All right, you’re hanging in there. We’ve got two more questions to go about this fun and interesting topic. So what should I do? If my child seems embarrassed or unwilling to talk about sex, because that’s a pretty high probability, right?
[00:15:42] I think that that’s going to happen. Respect their feelings. Acknowledge that talking about sex can be awkward. It can feel embarrassing and reassuring. It’s normal to feel that way. Let them know that they can come to you with questions anytime and that you’ll support them and not judge them and offer alternatives.
[00:16:00] If direct conversations are difficult. It’s still helpful to mention the topics because by you saying, Hey, I want to have a chat about text or consent or something like that. And they’re like, oh, yuck. No, you still let them know that that’s a topic that is okay to talk about. You’ve still normalized that.
[00:16:17] So that’s still a good thing. But redirect them to, to books or trusted websites or things that they can explore on their own. Or maybe there is an older, a sibling or a relative or cousin or someone that they can talk to if they
find that more comfortable and just let them know. That you’ll answer questions about things whenever they’re ready.
[00:16:39] What you don’t say or don’t talk about sends a message about what’s okay or not okay to talk about. So if you never mention it, then it implies that it’s not a thing that they can talk to you about. So try to be honest. Try to be considered, respect their privacy and respect their desire to have some space with not talking about that.
[00:17:03] But if you start this early enough, the conversation should kind of naturally evolve and progress that this won’t be such a big deal. And the last one is how do I ensure that the information they get is accurate? Look, you want to be the person that they run to, not from. And I mentioned that a little bit earlier, but try and be the primary source.
[00:17:22] If you start conversations early, they know that they can come to you with questions, and this can help establish you as a trusted source of information. You want to provide accurate information, because if you say something that’s not accurate, Completely inaccurate and they find something that contradicts that it kind of pulls into question some of the other things and we say that a lot with drug and alcohol and things like that if someone’s like if you try that once you’re going to explode or something ridiculous and They say it happened.
[00:17:49] They say a friend tried and nothing happens like oh, I wonder what other things I’ve been lying to about so Discuss media. Discuss how to evaluate information that they find online. How things that they see and hear from peers isn’t accurate. That porn is not an accurate representation. You might not need to have an entire conversation around that.
[00:18:10] material, pornographic material, um, editing, video editing of images, even just sexualized images. So that can go into a whole conversation about body image. I’m not going to talk about that at the moment, but if it’s something you’re interested in, let me know and I’ll do an episode on it and stay engaged.
[00:18:26] Regularly check in with them about what they’re learning in school. They’re learning from friends and this can give you a chance to. Correct any misinformation. I hope that’s been a helpful episode for you This whole series is around sex and relationships and consent And so there’s a few other juicy episodes coming up around this topic And if you’ve got a question that you want answered on the show Send me an email or drop me a voice memo and I will try
and get around to answering it Thank you for listening to keep the conversation going head on over to Instagram or LinkedIn and follow me If you’d like to keep updated with episodes and other interesting things happening in mental health, join my weekly This Complex Life newsletter where I’ll share tools, tips and insight.
[00:19:11] There’s a link in the show notes. Got a question you want answered? Shoot me an email or a DM, I’d love to hear from you. And if you enjoy the show, I’d really appreciate it if you could leave a rating and a review. It helps other people find the podcast.
