[00:00:00] Rejection stings. It shows up in so many parts of our lives. A friend who pulls back not getting a job that you hope for a partner who feels distant texting someone and not getting a reply. If you listen to the episode I did recently on friendships. You’ll know that rejection can sometimes sit underneath the struggles we have in relationships, the fear we have of coming across as too cringe, or trying too hard or putting ourselves out there, and it made me wanna revisit this episode.

I wanted to bring this Encore episode back. It’s a two part episode, Part one, I talk about why rejection hurts, how our brains fill in the blanks when we don’t have the answers, and . of the strategies that I teach my clients to help them cope without getting stuck, and in part two, I focus on parenting and rejection, especially that shift when a teenager starts to need you less and parents can feel a little left behind.

Both episodes [00:01:00] stand on their own, but together they’ll give you the tools to recognise rejection and respond in ways that protect connection instead of pushing it further away.

In today’s episode, I wanted to talk about rejection, and I was trying to synthesise my thoughts into one episode and I just couldn’t do it.

So it’s going to be a two part series, and in this first part I wanna talk about what rejection is, how we deal with it, and some tools and strategies that might help you navigate those feelings of rejection. And in part two, I wanna talk about. Rejection in terms of parenting, and it’s a feeling that a lot of parents I work with find difficult and it particular the area that I work in.

When young people are becoming young people. So that transition from a child, often in primary school into high school, as they start to individuate and have more autonomy, it can really trigger for parents a sense of rejection, feeling [00:02:00] excluded, left out, uh, not up to date with what’s happening in their children’s lives.

And that can create a bit of conflict depending on how the parent responds. So that’ll be in part two. On this topic, I wanted to start off by normalising this feeling of rejection. And it can be really hard to pinpoint. Some people might find that they feel angry or sad or withdrawn, and it can take a little while to sit down and identify, okay, what is this feeling and where did it come from?

And sometimes it can feel quite vulnerable to say, oh, actually I feel rejected, or. I feel hurt and it does fit in that sort of sad kind of slice of feelings. If you’re looking at a feelings will, you know, it’s often sitting in that sad category that. Rejection and it can show up in a number of ways. I know for me, I’ve, I have experienced my fair share of rejection from [00:03:00] applying for jobs and not getting an interview or getting an interview and not being given the job, not passing a probation in one of my very first jobs and having crushes on people that didn’t feel the same way or going on dates with someone who didn’t want the same things as me, and those things can feel.

Crush, it can be really devastating to our self-esteem, to our confidence. To feel rejected and then how we respond about that or what we do can further exacerbate that. So rejection, the feeling of rejection is natural and it’s normal, but if we feel it often over time, it can actually affect our mental health and our relationships, and it can also get in the way of us doing the things we want to do.

And I see this with some people scared to go on a date in case they get rejected, so then they don’t go on any dates at all. Or they are so scared of applying for a job and not getting it, that they don’t apply. And that’s a [00:04:00] guaranteed way not to get the job is to not apply. But sometimes that feels less risky than putting yourself out there and not making it.

We feel about ourselves and our core beliefs can also impact this. So if we believe that rejection is a chance to learn and it’s natural and it’s normal, we might have a situation that creates a sense of rejection and then we think, oh, that’s okay. I can learn from this and keep going. For some people it can be excruciating and they can fill in the blanks with stories that are familiar to them.

So of course I got rejected because I’m not good enough. I’m unworthy, I’m unlovable, and those deeply ingrained beliefs can be really, I. So when we have a situation that is incomplete, when we maybe go on a date and that person doesn’t contact us again, or we get ghosted or we go for a job interview and we just get that generic email saying, you’ve been [00:05:00] unsuccessful without that information.

Our brains can kind of make stuff up. Our brains don’t like ambiguity, so it makes up a story. And often our story is things that we are more vulnerable or we feel more vulnerable about. We might think, oh, maybe I talk too much. It has to be that. It always is that, or they didn’t like me because I am too this or too that.

Or I’m not qualified enough or I’m not smart enough. And we can start to catastrophise those and try to make up a story because we just, our brains just don’t like ambiguity. And so that can be really. Powerful in a negative way can really hold us back. It can send us in a spiral. It can sense on people to feel really, really depressed or lash out and be really angry.

So one of the things I work with when I talk to people about these feelings of rejection is trying to then notice the feeling and then. Reflect on how you [00:06:00] respond after. So if when you’re rejected, you get angry and you lash out and maybe you think, well, I didn’t want that job anyway. And you know, you start maybe badmouthing them and Oh, they were terrible this, and maybe you are hurt and you feel rejected.

And the way you cope with that is to get angry. Or perhaps you feel so rejected that you then withdraw from friends, you withdraw from family, and then that makes things worse because you feel lonely and isolated. And someone says, are you okay? And you say, yes, I’m fine. And they think, well, I don’t wanna, you know, I don’t wanna have anything to do with you.

You’re being really snappy right now. And they might pull away. So sometimes how we respond to those feelings has an impact on other people. And I say this often to, to folk that I work with is all feelings are okay, but not all behaviors are appropriate or acceptable. So really thinking about that feeling of rejection, that’s fine.

You’re allowed to feel [00:07:00] rejected. Maybe you got your hopes up or you had expectations that weren’t fulfilled and that’s totally fine, but not all the responses that come with that are perhaps appropriate. So really taking some time to think about how that goes. Respond to rejection. It’s come from somewhere.

Okay? Like evolutionarily, it’s been a valuable thing because we are hardwired for connection. We, you know, hunted and gathered in groups, and so being worried about rejection was really important because the potential consequences of being rejected, of being kicked out of the group, out of that community, that isolation was a life or death situation.

You were left out on your own to survive, you might not have lived. So our brain has developed to see this as a crucial component of staying connected. And our brains interpret this as just as much as physical pain. You know, it can feel physically excruciating to feel [00:08:00] rejected. It’s natural, it’s built into our biology.

But now we start to see that show up in situations where perhaps it’s not so useful and it doesn’t provide a lot of function where maybe you’re scared to, you know, ask. For something. I’ve seen this show up in real in ways where someone orders a soy cappuccino and they get a regular milk, a cow’s milk one, and they’re so scared of rejection.

Even though they got the wrong thing, it wasn’t their mistake that they’ll. Either throw it out or drink it and, and feel sick rather than actually say, Hey, this is not what I ordered. So it can be really severe for some people and show up as social anxiety. And for other people it can really hold them back where maybe they don’t apply for a job or they, they’re so scared of getting rejected that they kind of do a half-assed attempt at the job.

Maybe they kind [00:09:00] of only. Do the key selection criteria last minute. ’cause they don’t wanna feel like they put too much effort in. But somehow by not putting in the effort, it might lead to more rejection because it’s not really the best work. So you can see that these patterns we create can be quite entrenched and can sabotage ourselves.

Some people are more s. Sensitive to rejection and there is rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which is often associated or linked with A DHD, and that’s experiencing severe emotional pain because of failure or feeling rejected, and I’m not going to talk about that in particular. Now, but some people have a sensitivity to this feeling, and this can come from early childhood experiences.

It can come from maybe small traumas or large traumas that have happened in your life, and it’s worth acknowledging those and thinking about. Where some of those patterns have emerged and where have they come [00:10:00] from, and does that template now fit into your life at the moment? So thinking about, you know, if you had high school friends that were talking about you behind your back and were excluding you, it might make sense that when you text a friend and they don’t reply straight away, that you get this flood of anxiety, of thinking, oh my goodness, they’ve rejected me.

I must have done something wrong. And. It can really create some anxiety there, but that might be based on earlier experiences. ’cause starting to think about where those experiences sit in your story and how they impact you now in the future can be really quite helpful and quite valuable to think about.

Sometimes we can ease that feeling by asking for clarity, and other times we just might not know. And for someone who doesn’t experience those. Same example as rejection. They might just think, oh, my friend didn’t reply because they’re busy. Or I didn’t get an invite to [00:11:00] that party because perhaps I’m not as close to the, the, the host anymore.

And that’s totally fine. And some people, uh. That feels excruciating and they feel isolated and, and sometimes that then means they act in a way that further keeps them isolated and alone. If you’re scared of feeling rejected and you are maybe very tentative or you go into people pleasing, you might then create other.

Challenges that show up interpersonally in some friendships and relationships. So it can be a really tricky thing to get on top of fear. Fear of rejection can also really impact our self-esteem so that there’s this thing that we called learn helplessness, that if we keep being exposed to the same difficult circumstance, even when that goes away, we’ve just learnt to just.

Tolerate it. You know, they’ve done studies on, on dogs, and I’m not going to talk about that. Now. You can. You can look [00:12:00] it up, but sometimes we can be so conditioned to just expect that we can’t make things work or we can’t do anything about it, that we sort of fall into a bit of an emotional. Or even physical, kind of like a heap, and then we just can’t move through it.

So it’s really important to get on top of some of these feelings and understand a little bit more about how they show up for you. So if you’re listening and you’re thinking, oh, where do I even start? Dealing with these feelings of rejection. I like to use a lot of acceptance and commitment therapy when thinking about rejection unless it’s related to trauma.

In that case, using something like EMDR therapy or maybe even some more intense sort of psychotherapy or some long-term work can be really helpful there. But from an ACT perspective, one of the things I encourage people to do is actually acknowledge that fear of rejection. Notice that feeling. And [00:13:00] validate it all.

Feelings are fine. There’s no bad feeling. It might feel uncomfortable, so you might think it’s bad, but it’s inherently not a bad feeling, and it’s natural and normal to feel rejected at times. So have some, you know, hold that lightly and just explore that feeling. Maybe even notice where it sits in your body, what happens to you, how does that impact you?

And then start thinking about what are the core values in those relationships or situation where rejection is a concern, and that might help you work out what truly matters to you. So. If progressing in your career is important and you value being challenged or growing, then it might help you in moments of feeling rejected to realise, actually I’m feeling rejected ’cause this was important to me.

But I also value growth and I want to [00:14:00] explore my potential, and that might help guide you to keep trying. It might not get rid of that feeling of rejection, but it can serve as a bit of a compass and a direction to keep you going. Another technique I often use is. Mindfulness, and that doesn’t have to be a, you know, full blown meditation where you lie there blissfully just sitting with all your feelings.

You might, if you like that stuff, go for it. Amazing. But this is even just in the moment when you feel that feeling to notice it. Because we can’t start to challenge something and, and interrupt that pattern without understanding or even just noticing it. So trying to slow things down, take a few breaths and try and notice that, observe that feeling, observe the thoughts without judgment, and then we can start to create some distance from that fear of rejection, which might help reduce its impact.

So we use a technique called [00:15:00] diffusion, and that can be done quite. Like matter of factly, it’s like I notice I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough and I’m going to be rejected, or I can see that I’m playing this old story in my head again. Or some people picture it as, you know, a pop-up ad on a browser.

It’s like, oh, there’s that pesky thought of rejection again. I’m just going to minimise that. Or, here it is again, like an annoying song. There is, you know, that voice telling me I’m gonna, I’m, you know, feeling rejected again. So there can be different ways to. Detach from that and diffuse from that and create a little bit of distance.

And then I encourage people to start to do things in a controlled way. That expose you to rejection. And this is really important because you can only tolerate that feeling if you learn to expose yourself more and more to it. So this going to the gym or exercising, you need to keep doing it and pushing yourself to build that strength or to build that endurance or [00:16:00] to build that cardiovascular fitness and.

Doing things like exposing yourself to the things that scare you a little bit can be really helpful. So it might be that you keep going and keep going on maybe more and more dates, or you apply for lots of jobs and you see that as this is actually practice, I’m doing this so that I can get better at rejection.

And what I’ve seen over time, and there have been several studies that that talk about this, is if we are trying to, to do a piece of. An artwork and we’re putting all that energy into just doing one thing. Perfect. And then we have another group. So let’s say we’ve got a group of people, we split them into two and we’re told one group of people, you need to do this really perfect, let’s say painting.

And you can submit one painting and you’re going to, we are going to judge whose painting is the best. And then you have another group. And you’re, they’re told your, your project is [00:17:00] to do as many paintings as you possibly can. Which group do you think has better results? In the end, it’s actually the ones who do more paintings because.

Doing it is that practice and practice and practice, you get better at that craft. And so we can look at that in terms of from behavioral experiments. The more you sit with rejection, the less the impact has on you. And it might be that you need to do this in conjunction with a therapist or. The support of somebody so that you’re choosing the right stretch.

You’re not throwing yourself into this really excruciating vulnerable position, but you’re slowly stretching yourself and you’re building your capacity, and that is all. None of that can happen without self-compassion. So remembering or acknowledging that setbacks are part of the process and. It’s okay to find this difficult.

It’s okay to fear [00:18:00] the feeling of rejection and it’s okay to feel hurt and sad, and then thinking about how you can stay committed to your values and to what you want to do moving forward. So that self-compassion bit is really, really important. Often I find when I ask people what their internal voice is, it is so much nastier than anything they would say out loud to somebody they loved or cared about.

So if we can start to have some self-compassion and treat ourselves with that same kindness, it can go a long way. And the last thing I would encourage people to do is start to. Seek that support from family and friends. Social connections can provide a safety net when dealing with rejection. And if you’ve got friendships that are built on trust and connection and you know, you have a, a deep sense of respect for that person.

You might be able to use them as a sounding board. You might be able to get feedback. If you think that that’s something actually that’s, you know, you, you could improve on, [00:19:00] you might be able to just vent to them and help kind of get some of these feelings off your chest so that you don’t feel so alone.

It’s really important there to have that, that peer group and that support and reach out to your friends. So hopefully that’s been helpful to sort of think about the impact of rejection and some practical ways that you can start to challenge that. Keep an eye out on the podcast. I’ll be releasing part two.

To that, to this episode shortly where we look at, like I said earlier, that impact of changing relationships from parents and teenagers and how that can trigger our sense of, of somebody’s sense of, of feeling rejected. And it, it can link to a lot of this stuff as well, especially when you are putting in a lot of effort and you are making, uh, a lot of maybe changes or you are even people pleasing and that person doesn’t.

Receive it in the same way or doesn’t even notice you went outta their way for them, then that can [00:20:00] feel really hurtful and trigger a lot of rejection. And so I’ll talk a bit more about that in part two. Hope you have a lovely day. Bye for now.

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